sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- a curious thing Yesterday my boy was talkin' about he was in the hopes that "one day" I'll let him read this here diary. I said I don't even let my sister read it! And he sighed and said that he tells me everything. I said, well you might read it and think I was cheating on you (ironic huh) and that he wouldn't understand. We also talked a lot about us and he said that maybe we're to jokey joke with each other, worse off that we both know how to push each others buttons, much worse off is none of us really know when to stop sometimes. I said, I think we know when to stop, when the time is here, and jokey joke ... ends at the seriousness of our conversations. He said he's never joked or been this way with anyone before. I said, so do you have the best times with me, more so than with any other girl? He stopped and thought and said, "yes." I bawked cause he had to think about it. He said he knew it was 'yes' as soon as I asked but was just messing with me. Yeah. Just after saying we jokey joke/fuck with each other to much ... he does that. Ha.... We both agreed we do have a good time together ... sincerely. I was happy that I could find myself able to meet his eyes - and not look away. I think this is due to my new found - faithfulness. Nothing to hide in these eyes. I intend to stay this way from now on. Regardless, last night he said when I get prego that he'll probably end up sleeping on the couch a lot because of my mood swings. I was shocked slightly, and feeling ... like...er ... lord the day I get knocked up I'm sure hell will freeze over. Pooks will die at the thought of me pro-creating. Lord knows. I looked at myself in the mirror and know I so have to hit the gym, but it's hard when your period is flowing odd and you have cramps that borrow through your body to your spine. That you're craving weriod shit - greasy foods - then getting sick to your stomach. I'm contemplating taking a half day at work, though I planned to go to the gym after work. I'll have to see the progress of my period. Right now, I feel odd and flowy - know it's not good. I suddenly found, that before my boyfriend - all I had on my hands was time. I was bored a lot. Now I find lil' time on my hands, so much to do. I suppose this is cause I spend my weekends with boyfriend - which once was time for me to go to the gym or whatever, bum around. Now I also find myself going shopping/helping sister plan for wedding. Me trying to clean up apt. - my closet, storage closet are in shambles. I just have no time anymore. Where did it go? Seriously? My darling boy said he'd help me clean out my closet - etc. I said, you might break up with me afterwards. He gets mad cause I A. spend to much money on clothes/hair/etc and B. that I only buy the best for myself. I was raised that way and most certainly he thinks I'm C. very spoiled. So I'm going to slowly start to tidy up tonight as my sister brought 6 boxes of shit from my old bedroom to my apt last night. I'm mildly pissed about this, however, I can understand that my sister wants to reclaim her basement and my shit - is certainly - not helping. Plus I know I can toss/sell/give to Goodwill a lot of the things. It's just my pure laziness in not wanting to do these things. I found pics of me from High School - and a time when you're supposed to be "thin" I was really .... overweight. I mean I lost weight since High School. I mean I was a big girl. I cannot believe it. I worry that my own kids will have this fat gene or whatever ... not to mention my darling is short and stocky - very big boned. I can imagine having my lil girl as some big boned short fat girl. Ugh. Whatever they may be, they will be cute/pretty whatever since we're both okay looking - cute - whatever. hah. Not like with my ex, where I prayed if we had kids, all the genes would come from me. No, our kids will be blonde and either blue or green eyed. Nice. Cause my eyes are blue/green and his eyes are blue. He's dark blonde and I'm ash blonde. Though he has italian in him - his dad is direct from Italy. Sooo. hm. Anyway, I also found out a family of 5 - their house burned to the ground. A woman at work is looking for donations and lucky for her.... they need size 24 clothing. And lucky for me, I am cleaning out my closet - so I'm going to bag up some things for this poor woman - at least she can have some nice - clothing - some new with tags. I would rather give it to her, than goodwill as some of the things are nice. I'm also making up a lot to sell on ebay. Just one lot. Eh. So this week is about organizing. It's a shitty task as you find your self lugging bags out to the trash or to goodwill ... lots of work, you get pissed at yourself for being a pack rat. Knowing I still have stuff at my sisters (UG) and worse at my parents! When did I accumulate so much shit? At least I can toss the majority - whatever. It's sad to entirely deconstruct whatever was left of your childhood, that transition into adulthood, it's all in those boxes. Eh, it needs to be done though. Regardless, I read the new diary of my friend - funny to read her mention buying a vibrator. Ha. I was in her shoes back - last year - around this time. Such an odd thing to buy/do. I cannot tell you how shocked my WG was when I told him that I had some "toyz" .... I know he dislikes that - and his old skool ways thinks that a man should take care of those needs, not a toy. Just like him saying he doesn't really masterbate since his "girl" should help him w/ that. Huh. I figure when you get a taste of sex, that lusty thing, that it's like a drug you want more and more. I worked the slums it seems just to meet my drug need - well not really, but eh. So yeah. I'm thinking about throwing away one of my toys. It's my 'jack - rabb it' yeah - that one you saw on sex in the city? It never did anything for me. It was annoying as it kept turning off when I first used it. In the time I bought it, I think I've only used it three times. That's pretty sad. Plus it takes 4 AA batteries. Fuck that. So it's probably going to go into the trash. SO I'll just have two then - my newest one - I've only used twice - however it's waterproof - but I've yet to go into the tub w/ it. The first time I used it, it was super nice - the second time, I just didn't like it. I'm sort of scared/worried to use it a third time .... My favorite - which I'll always keep - though I contemplate tossing my new one too - is my pocket rocket. I love it. I use it the most. Mine is shaped like a tube of lipstick - which is great cause you can hide it with your make up and no one is the wiser. Plus speaking as a girl, I don't like to insert stuff. So it's perfectttt. Though now whenever I use it, I feel odd because of what WG said about it. But fuck it I'm on hormones and they go up and down a lot ... and eh...why not? I didn't do anything until I was 27 - nothing sexual - not even masterbation ... so I guess I make up for lost time. I don't do it all the time - but eh. Whatever. My boy needs to kick start his lil' libido. I think he put the thing to rest after his divorce. So I'm here to wake him up. Muh ha ha. I wonder just now, how things will be in our dates? I mean I find that anymore he kisses me more - last time getting out of the car, he expects a kiss now ... and getting out, came back for another. So a lil fire has been lit - I feel - now in him. I think he just needs time to get used to it - and I feel he has a lot .... Especially last time when he came over and kissed me - w/o words - so that just felt special for some reason. Rar. So now, will our dates have a brief lil make out moment? Though I hate how brief, when I'm accustom to 15 mins, to 30 mins to an hour of it. But I'll take what I can get. Eh. now I'm waiting for the boob touch. That'll be the time, the day, when things start to get a lil more serious. Ha. I'll laugh in my head when that happens, feeling like that last lil bridge has been crossed, that I'm "winning" somehow, bringing him over to my side. This is the most interesting part, I think of us all right now....I don't know why. It's a curious thing. 10:14 a.m. - 2006-01-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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