sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- we? Well. Fireman didn't show last night. I was mad/upset about it cause it felt sort of like cop-ish. I went to bed and he called at 11:41pm and I didn't answer. He left a message saying he was sorry he missed me and that I sounded "cranky." This got me now, very angry. I was already hurt - but relieved he didn't come. So I IM'ed him that I've only treated him with respect and kindess and he did that to me. I said mail me my dvds. I said it was sad he couldn't admitt he was wrong. This, now, began a barage of phone calls - I never answered, but got a message saying that he didn't stand me up and that I should apologize to him. My phone rang off the hook until 12:30 when I took it off the hook and layed it on my bedstand. Quiet finally. In the morning I got 4 IM's saying things like "I'll call you all night....I didn't stand you up .... this is unfair that you won't talk to me." So I sent another IM - saying again - that he did stand me up, that it was disrespectual. I got semi - scared - that he would tell WG things ... somehow find him ... and fuck it up. I feel, now, I have a weakness in my life. WG is my weakness and my strength. People can hurt me through him now. His unhappiness would be my unhappiness. What does this mean? I told my friend, if he hurts him, in anyway ... I will kill him. So I went on with my day, still mildly upset by the fact he did that, telling myself it was good none-the-less to see how much he supposedly "cares" for me as a friend. Whatever. I got a call at work, he said...."I'm sorry...." And asked if I was still mad. I said that's ALL I NEEDED TO HEAR. A simple "I'm sorry." So he's going to stop by before he flies out tomorrow to drop off my dvd's. He said all he wants is a hug and that he wants to still be friends and to call me still. I said...listen...you don't have to call me.... He also joked about sex ....I said....look....I don't know how to explain it, but ... I'm trying to make my relationship work ... so...that talk has to cease. He said he understoond, but I don't think he does, or maybe FINALLY does now. Still I feel uneasy about it, him. I still just want him to back off. I don't mind talking ONCE in a while, but not like we have. He said he couldn't go back to Iraq with me mad at him. He said he couldn't leave without a hug from me. This whole thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Yet I feel strength concerning WG/boyfriend ... that I can entirely say how I truly feel about him to anyone ... just a back off. What made fireman upset/mad ... maybe this is why he didn't come over last night .... was I said....I don't want anyone other than WG. There is completely no one I want to be with except for him. So a change really *has* taken place. I just feel a lot more for Wg - just seeing myself acting in ways that would make him proud, makes me proud. Still I adore my WG a lot anymore. Not sure anymore where we're headed - that's not a bad thing - but now we've suddenly covered a lot more ground and I've let myself open up a lot more. I was thinkin' about our kiss last time, how easily I let myself go for it.... I sat there after thinking, man I'm the first girl he's kissed since his wife...for like ... 8 years? Or something like that. I wonder if it feels odd. Eh. I don't know. I just care a lot more suddenly and don't know why or what took place that let my heard fall a lil bit more. I wonder if he can see this, or feel it, whatever. I guess maybe he does, he wants to show me the car he wants to buy on Sunday. Tonight we're going to the movies. Ah. I think he's feeling something new too. It's a new confusing thing, I don't know what to explain it as. Love? We're hitting the three month mark now. In relationship time, where are we? 2:55 p.m. - 2006-01-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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