sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I shut up. Just a quickie to say eh ... had a weriod Friday with my boyfriend. He's so odd sometimes - not in a bad way - but just talking. He was ME on Friday - saying off the wall things, I was like...dude...are you punishing me for something? It felt like that. Also worked called me, so I listened to the message and said "Oh it's Dominic" and my beloved said "You have to many men calling you...." I got pised and said coldly it's work, asshole. He said, "oh, I was just kidding." Whatever. I was hurt by that comment, maybe that was my guilt. Still some of the things he said, hurt me and I told him so. I was like why? I said it must be male PMS ... or somehow - I figure now - maybe I deserve it and on some level he suspects something. Regardless, we're in a weriod area in our relationship. I dont' know what it is, transition to the next step. Not that we're doing bad or going to break up....but going to a new level - though we're between levels? I think both of us - or maybe it's just me - I just feel confused about my feelings and maybe he knows that and feels upset about me always lagging behind him. We want to committ, be everything, but still have this shyness to contend to - it's leaving, but still, we're just ... eh. He wants to spend the night next weekend. I also told him that we need to be more intimate - no pressure - just saying. And maybe that's why he gets upset.... ACTUALLY. I think I realize why I was punished. I said the comment about intimacy while I was sitting across from him and he said, well get over here. I didn't. I didn't go to him. I cast it off and maybe that hurt him? Cause after that is when he started being a dick. I guess so. I know. I asked for it, then didn't go for it. I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. Something upstairs is just off anymore. I don't know what it is, why or even how to explain it. I'm confused mostly, wanting to give my heart but just scared to, he said he'd always be there for me for anything and I know I would be there for him. But I thought, what if he's there for everything, and I depend on him and then he leaves? He says I think to much about us breaking up and that's going to doom the relationship. I shut up. 8:39 a.m. - 2006-01-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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