sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- happy What is it about Chinese food that makes me get unbelievably sick to my stomach and feel like hell? Heart burn, stomach aches, I don't think sweet n sour chicken, fried rice w/ some wonton would do it. Egg roll too. But it did something. I still feel sick this morning, I think it's cause I've A. stopped eating fast food and B. this is like "richer" food than I'm used to. Sad thing is I have like a lot of left overs from the weekend: hot dogs, chili, pizza and chinese food. WG and I had a good weekend. Friday we shopped about and Saturday was crazy with going to look at a car he wants ... then going to the bookstore where we met my sister and then to the fabric store to buy stuff for the shower. We spent from 3 to 6? With my sister, WG was kind as usual. My sister gets a kick out of how he looks at me - she says "you can tell". He also asked my sister while I was in the bathroom at the store what he should get me for Valentine's Day. She told him some supposed ideas and a cute - non money idea ... and she wouldn't tell me what she told him. -- I told WG that my V-Day's have never been good, none memoriable. Me last year buying my ex a present, he got me nothing, not even dinner on that day saying "well we had dinner on the weekend." He didn't care. Said he didn't have the money, but could go buy the newest X-box game. *Fume* So my WG/boyfriend/Mr. Right told me that he would make this day memoriable. And the weekend before cook me a pizza (he brags about how he can cook pizza sooo well, etc.) and then on V-Day we'll do something. While at the fabric store, he saw this Bears fleece and just loved it ... I am thinking of making him a throw blanket out of it. I found online directions for a no - sew pattern - very easy to do it seems. Just fringe and tying knots. I am going to embroder it with "Carlo and Jen -- 2006" or something like that on the back of it. I also am going to buy him a shirt. Cause that boy needs clothes - though he seems to be wearing some things that are new to me, maybe lost in his closet - at the very least trying to dress up for me? Regardless ... after saying goodbye to my sister we went to this italian restaurant - in St. John - it was crowded and we waited. We were famished ... and he decided this would now be "our place" .... We talked about us again - as we always seem to. We both think we're there on this seriousness of our relationship ... but I think maybe it's all about the L-word. I just can't say it first. I'm sorry. My own mother was yelling at me last night, saying I should say it and it's wrong to think he should say it first. Little does my mom know is that, though I may love him in some way, I just don't exactly have the words to tell him. Only actions, things I do that show it. Saying it, he will have to first, call it baggage, or protecting my own heart. I know he cares for me, but a not-well placed - L - word can really throw it all in a tail spin. Just four letters, one meaning ... if it's not said, the feeling is still there and maybe it's already been said unverbally. I was/am upset my mom was pushing so hard. I nearly said, and might tell her if she says it again, that it's none of her business. REGARDLESS. WG and I watched a movie at my place and then some TV ... went to bed around 3 a.m. where we talked and attempted to kiss - me laughing again. Finally I said okay you get on top and do it. He did and we did it fine. I just seem to freak out when I'm uncomfortable or on top. I just can't do it that way for some reason. When he's on top, I'm there. I'm so so sad that he cannot kiss all that well. It's just OK ... but I feel a lack of passion - lack of umph. I know this comes in time .... It was a timid kiss, granted at 4 a.m. he was tired ... but his kiss is so brief, it's not a make out sesson ... not to what I'm used to. I'm considering that it'll be longer in time, but eh ... disappointment is a bitch. I think when he gets in the mood, that passion is there, he needs to release this. He also went to kiss me at the bookstore - and I pulled away. Why? I was mad at him. While at the car lot he told the guy (after the dealer asked why he needed a new car ...) "Oh I got this crappy car in my divorce." The dealer looked at me, and I felt like the other woman. I fumed to my WG .. "why did you have to tell him about the divorce? You couldn't just said I have a crappy car ... I felt like the other woman, I hate how that feels. He did NOT need to know that ......" I was truely upset at him. He said he was sorry he made me feel that way and that he's not proud of having to say it either. I felt a bad taste in my mouth about dating yet another divorced man. Though I know WG is entirely over his ex, the very talk of it, upsets me a lot. There is no need to bring it up as an excuse for anything. Regardless ... the next morning - I made WG some eggs and toast and coffee. I slightly burnt his eggs - but he ate them all. I was sort of like...I wouldn't have.... ;) I opened my drapes and looked outside and noticed his car had a flat tire. It really sucked ass. We used my jack ... for my lil hatchback on his 80's station wagon. Bad idea. It wouldn't jack it up to the heigh needed. So I began to flip out cause of how dangerous it was. He tried to use his 1960's jack and the thing just wouldn't work ... I was upset cause I was worried he'd get hurt ... and lucky for us a guy came and helped us - he used his jack and put the tire on, etc. I thanked him twice and then followed WG out to the gas station across the street to air up his spare tire as it was nearly flat as well. I told him that he needs to really seriously get a new car. I said that driving what he does drive, scares me a lot and this is going to show that now is the time. I told him to call up his friend and meet him tomorrow and show him the car he's interested in. He agreed to do this. He was acting sort of odd ... I told him I was sorry that happend to him and to be safe when he drives home and to call me if he needed anything. So he began to walk back to his car (after a few kisses in between conversation) ... and then he turned around and said ... 'oh yeah we haven't decided what we're doing next weekend...." I was like what? It's only Sunday? We can decide this week. I'm thinking about going to Michigan to visit my parents. I think maybe we need this seperation period. I think it'll do us good ... as every weekend since Oct 9 we've seen each other. Distance makes the heart grown fonder and right now...I need some time away and time to think. Just some me time to relax. Not that WG isn't wonderful, I adore him deeply and do hate to leave him, however, I just need a vacation away from my life. I miss my parents, I want to go visit. So...yeah. I'm happy. I realized this the other day as WG was laughing beside me on the couch and I asked what had gotten into him. He said, I don't know, I'm just happy, you make me happy. 8:17 a.m. - 2006-01-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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