sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- maybe not. Eh. It's a gray, ugly day - you know rain, then snow, then rain, then ice pellets. What this means to me is that my car is going to squeak. The belt in my car, squeaks when it gets wet/moist. So it's a whirl sound, it annoys the fuck out of me mostly, doesn't mean anything bad thankfully. I hate when that stuff happens, as a girl, I just don't know what magical tool or spray to use, or even WHERE it's located in my car to fix it with. My boss also left early today ... she didn't look like she felt to good ... so she left, the girl who backs me up is also gone. The secretary here is gone and so is the lady who puts insertions into the paper. So it's just me, the big boss and the classified person. Scary, but I feel certain I could clean up any ol' mess anymore here. I'm to the point in my job, I'm just so tired of doing the same ol' that I try to "mix it up" and suddenly I'm feeling that ol' depressed feeling I got so long ago ... when in therapy my therapist said that's why I get down in the dumps. I can't see my job doing this, but with how crazy it's been lately, things in my life, I'm feelin' burnt out. I also am feeling like I'm gaining weight like a mofo. I can see it, feel it..but feel like I'm fucked up to help it. I went to the gym twice last week and this week haven't been there at all. Wanted to go tonight, but have a nail appt. To many excuses to go around. Have to stop at fabric store before I go to Michigan, have to clean up my apartment tonight as well - since I'm leaving Friday at noon. So am shooting to hit gym tomorrow and Thurs. depending on how things go. Also, am feeling odd toward WG/boyfriend. Not bad, but I feel like I need to just take a mini break. Not sure if he feels that way too, or if he knows that I'm feeling this way. It in no way says anything about how I feel for him, etc. Sometimes to truely appreciate how good you have it, is to be without it for a little while. I contemplated not even calling him while I'm gone Friday through Monday, but in that, I don't think I could do that, seems sort of cold on my part, and I would rather call him for a brief, hello, I miss you type of deal. As I feel like maybe I will truely miss the boy when my weekends have been owned by him for the past 3 months. I guess we'll both need this lil break, I think it's good, but sometimes wonder just where we really are going and why I make big deals out of nothing a lot of the time. Am I still testing him? Seeing how far I can push buttons, scared of demise, yet still pushing? Regardless, of all things, right now, I just need to relax, though I cannot see this happening as it feels like I cannot do much anymore but fret about my sisters wedding and losing weight. I am trying Girlie's 3 day diet next week. Will hit the gym for real now, eat less. I did give up real pop - yay me. Maybe that has helped and just maybe I have lost weight ? Not sure ... because my body is covered in light stretch marks. Usually when I get those, that means I've lost. Though not sure if I have? Last time I was on the scale (2? weeks ago) it showed a 3 lb gain. Which isn't TO bad, but I didn't like to see this. So I will do this, but need to stop fretting suddenly about how my stomach feels fuller for some reason and oddly my boobs feel bigger somehow. Maybe I can blame those on my birth control. Watch me be somehow prego ... some alternate universe prego. Toliet seat prego. Unlikely, but I figure I have a week after this one before my period arrives. I also went to the GYN last night. I am still on Estrostep FE pills - I told the nurse how mood swingy - and anxiety ridden I get. She said that happens with all birth control - she could change my pill, however said that she thinks I'll have the same symptoms. She said to start taking multi-vitamins and also 400 g of vitamin E for mood swings. She said that should really help out and if it doesn't change to just come back and she'll change my pill. My blood pressure is 130 over 80. What that means, I don't really know. Just know that it was "good" and "lower than last time." I wanted to say, well that's because no one is looking at my snatch this time. She said I needed to calm down next time, she remembered me from the first time I went. How nervous I was. I asked about a pill to take, and she said they didn't do that. (Fuck!) But said if I needed to, she would hold my hand while I had my exam done. I said ... no that's okay ... I'd rather just have the doc do her thing and be done with it all. Sorry, but how can one calm down when you have some girl with her face in your pooty, talking to you and sticking in that spectulum and cranking it open. As if it doesn't hurt. Sorry. That shit felt someone was putting a knife in my hole. I told her it hurt and she kept saying I'm almost done, almost done....I know it was probably only 3 mins that it was done, but felt like 10 ..... I know next time, I'll be a lil more calm as I know what'll be going on ... plus...since my last time I've had sex with 3 more men. I feel sort of whorey saying this. Hasn't yet been a year since I lost my virginity (will be ... I think end of Feb? I can't remember) .... and I've slept with four men altogether. I know I was promiscuous before ... I think if I didn't meet WG ... that I would be on the same routine, but since I've met him, since I've stopped all my stupidness, I DO feel a lot better about myself and us. Cheating IS wrong. Fucking married guys IS wrong. Fuck friend IS wrong. But I'm not beating myself up anymore, it's all done with and over and forgotten. Now I'm like I should be. Faithful, loving, and learning still about it all. I figure it's better to forget then to dwell. Anyway, I guess I'm just feelin' weriod lately about my life. Just thinking that I'm in a relationship, thinking last night that I'm "off the market" type of thing. My mom told me, "you got everything you've asked for." I really have but in human nature, I have it and now want different things, more things. Before I prayed the boy would just KISS ME. Now he has and now I say I want MORE passion. I want this or that. So right now I'm trying to just STOP that sort of thought. A re-evaluation of how I am to him, to everyone. Clarity? Or some sort. Not sure what, but feel like I need to stop that pattern. Stop talking about intimacy with him, stop talking about my ex's, stop talking about what if we break up. It's like a mix for failure that I often time speak of. Boyfriend says I'm to negative and not thinking of the positive. Us. Forever ... type of deal. I know...I don't. Not sure why. Just seem to be waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I find it hard to give myself all the way, blindly, and entirely when in that, I could get hurt worse than before. So much worse than before this boy could hurt me. So it's hard to give myself 100% in fear of failure. And that, is what I think makes him feel uneasy about me sometimes. When he's there 100%, and I'm there 80%. I understand it. And know this time to think about him and that sort of thing will help us both out. I want to be with him, that has never been the problem. But what I want to give and get out of it, I never knew, or know. Love? I suppose all I want is recipocation from what I give to someone. I watched "Closer" last night. The guy said he loved this girl he'd cheated on, and now back with her. I liked her reply of: "Where? Where is it? This love? Where? I can't touch it, hold it, I can't feel it. So where is this love you speak of? I hear these words. But I don't feel it." That's not how it went from verbadum - but that was the idea. I was like, that's how I felt with my ex. I never felt loved. With WG, it's different. I know he cares, simply by how he looks at me. His looks alone I can see it. It used to scare me, but now I feel like often times I return them. That moment where you're in a crowd and look up at each other - it's a connection. I love that. Eh. So I'm scattered again. But since taking my vitamins last night, my OD on vitamin E ... I do feel a lot more clear for some reason, as well as calmer? Maybe that's all in my head. Maybe not. 2:26 p.m. - 2006-01-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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