sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- becoming? Sadness is a fatal disease. Sometimes it feels like life is sad with only peaks of happiness. That that I'm "sad" but lately - the past week I've feel slightly depressed. Not sad, just depressed feeling. There's a difference. I'm feeling momentarily upset about being so low on cash. It's not that I've boughten beyond my needs. No clothes, shoes, makeup. Nothing. What threw me in a loop is my last medical bill from July that finally came in December - and that I just paid - $167 for blood tests. That is nearly half my check. Not to mention the money I spent on my sisters shower stuff. Then my valentine's day gift to WG - think $40 - and then bills. So my savings is back to low, my checking is low - and my next pay check goes to rent. It really is hard to see this when before I was "flush" then I put $500 on visa. Then my bills came. Now tomorrow I have to go grocery shopping, thinking of trying that three day diet, yet wondering if I shouldn't just try my "eat what is in my cabinets until it's nearly gone" type of "diet." Just until another two weeks go by. Erm. The only bright side is my parents have really helped me out - this weekend - we went to Kmart and I got some new exercise pants, undies, socks and some candy for WG's valentine present ---- and my parents BOUGHT this all for me. I was really happy - as I needed socks, undies and also yes new exercise pants ($12 on clearence). Still that was about $40 - $50 right there. They also gave me two pans for my apartment. They bought some of the shower things and they also ordered more CD holders for the shower. I know, and feel bad, about costing them SO much right now. But I expressed to my sister and parents that for this shower, I really do NOT have the money to do really help out and buy all the CD's or paper or ribbon or booklets. Granted I did buy a chunk of it. Granted my parents gave me $200 for helping the costs, but that was eaten up in the invitations, and the booking of the room, etc. It just bites cause I'm not spending frivously one bit. The only "frivous" thing I have is my acrylic nails. But that's for me. It's my one guilty pleasure. Sorry. But now I'm aiming at getting them done every 3 weeks or at the very leave 2 and a half weeks. Eh. So my weekend with my parents was good, yet eye opening and depressive that I'm so low on cash - and not sure where it all went is what boggles me. I can't show for it somehow. My phone or cable or heat. You can't see it. But anyway I invited WG to go with me to the rehearsal dinner for my sister's wedding. He said he'd go. I also said we needed to start shopping for his wedding suit. He called me today while I was shopping. It was so good to hear from him and when he calls me, just like that, I feel that he cares and in a way, hearing his voice I realized how much I have missed him. Last night I sat on the couch thinking, if I were home right now, I'd be with him. I wanted to go home. When he called, I felt like crying. Call this depression in a way that I feel this oddness suddenly, this neediness to him. Like I NEED him a lot for my happiness and I'm unsure if that's what I should be doing, but in fact that I am doing it regardless if it's right or wrong. He said he couldn't wait until spring so we could go to Chicago and go to the Art Museum and to the King Tut exhibit and to this and that and to local fairs and carnivals ... etc. etc. He said he missed me. I asked when I'd hear from him again and he said "tomorrow" without a hesitation. I said...okay...he said .... I'd like to see you ... or else call you. I said "make up your mind." He said I'd like to see you. I said after work at my place? He said, "yes that's fine." I said, "can I cook dinner for you?" He said that'd be cool. Lord, I feel sort of housewifey - I go home tomorrow, go grocery shopping and just PUTZ around waiting for him to come home. Lord, sometimes ... I just wish someone would say the L word. Just tell me you love me, things would be a lot easier to explain. These feelings. That anymore, I'm just so bewildered by. Still, talking to him, sometimes, eh. He said for Valentine's Day he feels scared about what he wants to do for me. He passed this idea he's had "for a while" to her and she said "do it." But he said he feels "scared" that I won't like it, or whatever. I don't know. I said I'd like anything he'd do cause he did it. I don't need roses, chocolates and teddy bears. A simply hand written note, something that says, Jen I thought about this and I do care for you, right now, would make me cry. Yes. Suddenly I'm weepy. Again, at the drop of a hat. Depressed, but not sad. Does this make sense? I feel sad, but am not sad and right now am the happiest I've been in so so long. I'm in love, falling into it, unsure on it, but certain that WG is the one I want to be with. Yet that dark side of me, suddenly makes me want to cry and be alone and push everyone away. Must be hormones. Regardless, when he does little things, suddenly. Like telling me he'll be there for me for the wedding, will be my date whenever I ask. Just simply saying he'll be there to help with the shower gifts - making anything, helping me carrying shit in or clean out my closet, just THERE for me - no one has ever been like that to me before. So sometimes, I wonder if on some level I've surpassed him...and now he's playing catch up. I realized today, in Michigan, the last time I was here, I wasn't yet seeing WG. I was still talking to COP. I had talked to him and felt that maybe he was turning his ways as he told he me was busy, but thought about me and missed me a lot and made plans to see me the following night. It was like that. Suddenly. So much there. And then, a few days to weeks later is when I asked out WG. And 3.5 months later, I feel like God granted me my prayer and feel like I'm blessed, lucky, loved and can't bear to think of ever going back to single life, to being alone. Without him. Who am I? What have I become, or what am I becoming? 10:22 p.m. - 2006-01-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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