sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- right now I sort of get annoyed how when you're on a "diet" that you suddenly have cravings and every time of food smells really good. Someone in the office made homemade rolls/sweets this morning. And just now someone had A. pizza and B. chicken soup. Smells heavenly. Yes - I'm on that fad 3-Day Diet. Which isn't to bad - I mean I used to eat this little when I was trying to lose weight. Still my body is like WTF are you doing? So I've had a headache - from me not having a binge at lunch or a snack at work that involves sugar. But I'm doing okay, it does make me appreciate food more cause tonight I'm having chicken with a lot of veggies. I did take the apple I was supposed to eat with dinner and am having it as a snack at work. I might go to the gym tonight, well I want to actually. I probably will.... as I need to hit my 8 times per month mark to get back my full $40. Eh. Fuck right? Or I probably should go today and tomorrow as Thurs/Friday I am busy. Lord, when did my life get this busy? Can someone tell me? Sat. I go try on my bridesmaid dress. Thoughts of to tight in the stomach, to big on top - to tight on hips, all these things are haunting my mind. They did measure me and they got me, I know, *shock* a size I think 28? or 30!!! And the woman said "well take in the top and the waist area" .... uh.... That is like 3 size larger than I normally am. She said "bridal sizes run weriod." That was no comfort, consolation, what-so-ever. So regardless, my parents thought that I looked like I didn't gain weight, and that I had "tightened up." I have noticed that I've been more active lately - so bonus exercise. My parents gave me $100 bucks for my sisters shower stuff, but I think that was really cause I'm so broke right now. They also bought me a lot of stuff at the store ... undies...pants...etc....I was thankful. I so hate living like this. I dont' know where I got so behind. I put $500 on visa and after that it all went down hill - with a $167 doctor bill, my house bills ... and food bill and buying stuff for the shower ... somehow I'm in the red almost. Rent is due next week....already. Jesus...and is my whole check there. How do you get ahead when you're living like this? That's what I want to know. I also finished up WG's Valentine's Day present. I must talk about V-Day right now. Cause I was talking to my friend at work - also single - the one who broke off an engagement - has been going through a rash of shitty dates, etc. Is very very bitter. I can relate to her. I hate to tell her that "he'll come along" cause I hated when people did that to me. Etc. But I so relate to what she's going through as I had gone through the same thing a few months back. However a change came in me when the first date with cop I ended up messing around. I stopped wanting, caring for love. I just wanted a superficial fling. Just sex. Though the cop thing was cloaked in relationship, I realized our second "date" that it was just for sex. Then fireman came. Then I decided to ask out WG on a fling, thinking it wouldn't work out. Thinking I knew him already, how he was. And I really didn't. He amazed me and continues to teach me and I've learned a lot from him, more than any other man I've dated. But what I'm saying, is it happend when I stopped caring and looking so much. Mostly ... I also can say that I've paid my dues. Sorry. But I did the leg work, heart ache, and all of those shitty dates.... I paid my dues. And also I'm a nice girl and I think I derserve this. I think of it, as my wish finally coming true. It's my turn and I've been waiting for such a long time, maybe my whole life. I'm still bitter about VDay as they've usually been all bad, or I've been single. But WG says he'll make it special for me, but I somehow think he'll have these ideas but let them go on the way side - or will get me - as my sister said - perfume. I don't know, I'll be happy with anything I suppose. I am happy to have him, and I found a excellent card at Hallmark just for first valentine days - so the L Word was left out ... it's so hard to go valentine shoppin' and not find something with LOVE scrawled all over it. So my gift is the blanket I made - which turned out fantastic, so fucking soft and great. I embrodiered C+J '06 on it and put some beads on it - ha. I also got a plan heart box and filled it with hugs, kisses and snicker bars. My WG loves chocolate - but I figured the box is like our relationship. We have snickers - aka laughs, but we also have the tenderness of hugs/kisses. It's hard to keep my mits off those kisses, I adore hersey's kisses w/ almonds in them. And he loves snickers. So eh. His gift cost me about $50 entirely. If he buys me perfume, that ought to be more than $50. I pray he doesn't get me Pleasures or Beautiful. I hate those two perfumes. Other than this ... He agreed to be my date at the rehearsal dinner for my sisters wedding. I didn't think I would need a date, but my mom asked if I'd asked him yet. I was like...huh? Why? See it's very nice, I realized, to have a date for these things. My WG couldn't have come into my life at a better time - a time where I think I really needed someone to upright my life again. And I think maybe I've helped him in some way turn his gray heart - red and alive again. He came over last night as I hadn't seen him in a week - and it was great. He said, "god I missed this" as we laughed on the couch at something ... when he came in he came up to me and said, come here ... and went in to kiss me and of course I sort of froze up a lil but still went in for a kiss and a hug. I also learned - as we were talking about kissing or something - that he still feels "shy" with it all. "OHH" I thought ... no wonder. But I still feel semi-odd as to why he feels shy with me and when we do kiss how gentle he is - way to gentle - like he's so nervous and scared. I realized it's probably cause of how I talked about my ex and how bad he was with intimacy. I dunno, but I feel like we need to up the anty about kissing, I mean last night I was thinking, fuck...come on. He was telling me in one breath how he loves to go down on girls but then saying he's shy. I said, well once we start doing that stuff and get used to each other it'll go smoothly. I mean but you can't shy away and expect for it to happen, cause it won't. And maybe it's not romantic to say, let's mess around .... but it's better than his fucked up way of just "looking" and "knowing." That obviously isn't working ... and that takes time as there does come a time when a look tells it all. However I can't really see him letting go of himself sexually to me yet. Where I have - let myself go - he hasn't yet. He's all in his shell when we make out. I want to say let yourself GO .... So my plan is to work with him a lil. I know it's been like 2, 3 years SINCE he's messed around and sorry - I know you don't forget how to do it - but the FEELING is what you forget. Lips and emotions and all of that jazz. Just TOUCH is what you forget when you've lived entirely to yourself, untouched for that long. I know when I messed around with cop the first time, it was just fucking weriod, but I soon relaxed and it was okay. So yeah. I'm going to have to work on this. I wanted to say, you want to go down on me, however you can barely make out with me and haven't even gone in for a boob touch .... uh.... you better get busy. *Sigh* though I do feel odd about his love of going downtown. I dislike that ... though I've only had that done once, I just felt like....paranoid. My thighs are gross and I know you can't rid yourself of that pooty smell - (I shower before letting ANYONE go down there) ... but I get paranoid that they'll be like...ew....crotch smell. Hm. I'm thinking of the time when I'll have to trim down there when we get to that point and I won't lie - my own paranoia of cuming in front of someone. Ever since my Ex - used to make fun of me when I came - I have a lot of issues coming in front of people. Though I can control it now - when I first started out I used to shake - but now I usually breathe hard and do a lil shake - no moans/groans. But still feel paranoid about it. I guess it'll be a trust thing. Eh. But fuck let's get a leg on kissing cause that's the gate way drug to sex. Plus I feel like one good make out session would probably help us out greatly. Friday we're going to the movies and Sat. we're hanging out. I don't know....we're getting better, but this part is very very slow when I'm used to guys trying to bed me in the first date. WG is a challenge and I'm okay with it, and sometimes I'm not. But how he looks at me, and grabs my hand or whatever ... some of his smooches, I can feel that passion there ... it's just him letting it go. He wants to and in small steps he is. I don't know, but I feel like he's worth it. I don't know what I'd do without him right now. 1:53 p.m. - 2006-01-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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