sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- he has. Okay my horoscope: Ignore how things seem. It very rarely reflects the reality of your inner circumstances. Learn to remain aware, yet detached, as you observe both yourself and the current situation as it rages around you. I really wish I could learn to "remain aware, yet detached." I mean how lovely would that be? Just like how I try to not expect anything from WG. If you don't expect then you'll never be let down. Though, in a way, that's wrong. My mom yelled at me last night cause I said "WG had better get me something good or of equal thought and time for Valentine's Day." My mom said, well that's horrible you should want to give him things and not expect anything in return. In that, I said "Ma, I played the giver in my last relationship, I don't want to date a taker again." So in that I can go either ways. As in my WG should want to give me things and make me happy (GIVE - doesn't have to be something boughten either). Argh. I dont' know. But I really do wish I could live life not expecting anything. To be aware, yet detached. To keep these emotions in check. Just like my sister yesterday asking of WG had gotten out of the "peck kiss phase." Yes he has. But still I worried and pondered on it all day yesterday ... thinking, well shouldn't he want to kiss me? Why do I feel like I always have to take the reigns with that and why is he still so shy with me? Is it my fault? When I should be aware of it - yet detached thinking, well it'll come "in time" ... that we've made a lot of progress. That he has different ways with that sort of thing, that maybe this is good for me. Yet my brain screams, you've never had to ask for kisses before, he should want to do these things and maybe time won't reveal a better lover, but show that maybe we aren't sexually compatable. That these things aren't made, or time ellaspsed ... but either ARE or ARE NOT. At this point I tell myself to shut up. I'm feeling a lil better today, mostly congested. I slept well, but had an odd dream - I took some nyquil type of stuff and conked out until 2:30 a.m. when I woke up and was feeling "randy" ... wondering for a slight moment if WG will ever step up to the plate and if my questioning and talking OF ... is what is making him shy. Pooks called me last night, full of shit. He just drank a jolt and was crazy. He keeps saying that he misses me and I believe him. Misses me in a friendship way, in a home way. I miss him too a lot, he's one of the only people that understands me ... that I can tell him nearly everything. We've talked about WG and my toys and my past cheating. Pooks tells me things, that I know others won't. Or are afraid to. He knows me enough and we're alike enough, that it helps me out more often than not. Anyway, I feel odd after this diet. I've never gotten so sick to my stomach as I did yesterday. My tummy still feels odd. I'm assuming my body was "cleaning house" cause man alive. So in my monay issues - I realized they are bad, but not THAT bad. I was reading this brief about how to get out of "debt" and I realized how my issues weren't to bad. Just a high credit card bill - which I added $40 to last night for my sisters bridal gift. Then $83 for my license plate renewal. Granted what saves me - sort of - is that if I wanted to - I could pay off my credit card w/ what is in my savings. Though my account would be GONE ... still knowing sort of relieves me. Oh well okay. I feel slightly better but wont' when I see my visa bill after chargin' my dress and the shoe dyeing and whatever alternations needed. Fuck. I hate that. What I need is a new job/raise. I get my "raise" come April? I believe. Yes 1%. Yes, that's like a 25 cent raise. Mom says that's better than "nothing" ... however I wish I could get a good meaty raise - maybe an extra dollar an hour, now that's something. Oh well. Okay stop bitchin' and get back to work. I really want to rehaul myself with WG again. I know I have already done good things, taken good strides and it can be seen a lot. I'm calmer with a lot of things, these vitamins ARE helping me I think. I just want to not be a burden, some needy thing, over thinking girl instead of simply enjoying this relationship as I should be. Being thankful that the boy is already thinkin' of something to do for me for VDay (to make it special) and to cook for me and be with me and always be there for me. When will I know that enough is enough? Will I ever be satified? I think I'm becoming more comfortable in this relationship, relaxing more. He seems to be the nervous one anymore, but that's slowly breaking too. I saw it last time, when he went in to kiss me. I easily touch him now, telling him I have property rights. He feels uncomfortable when I'm laying next to him and put my hands on his hips or wherever I wish. He feels tense, but I think that sort of spurs me on. Get used to my touch boy. Though last time when we kissed in bed, our bodies were finally close - and comfortable with that. It was nice. Now, I think finally, he might be using his property rights, and getting used to the fact that he can kiss me and I won't back away. Our shyness feeds off of each other. So me stopping mine, has maybe helped him? Still last time, when he bent back in and craned his neck in the door for another kiss ... it was sweet. Slight passion. I realized what a wonderful pair of lips he has. 9:45 a.m. - 2006-01-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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