sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- silence HI. Thanks Girlie for the note. Yes I posted a pic of boyfriend. Please see the entry for 1-16-06 called "The Man." I know, my parents DO spend a lot of money on my sister and I. But realize they got a large inhertience from my grandmother/grandfather's estate. They say they want to give my sister and I - things NOW instead of waiting for the furture - or when they die. Weddings, are once in a life time, and my parents have always - I know it's not right - have tried to give us EVERYTHING we ask for. Maybe that's why we're spoiled. Or why I flip out when I don't have money myself since I'm used to getting whatever I want. Maybe it's messed us up. But in that, if we weren't funded for this wedding, it would be all dollar store items. Not that we overspend, we've cut so many corners, I'm designing everything I can, etc. I put in my own money to this shower/wedding .... And my sister and I do stuff for my parents whenever we can as a thank you. It's how my parents are, how they're parents were to them. So that's how I will be to my children. I'm still sick, my cold is at a category 3 or something, maybe this is the worst. I was feeling better yesterday, but then while shopping w/ my sister I felt so tired and confused/fuzzy thinking that I told my sister "we have to leave NOW. I went home and crashed. Woke up at 12:30 coughing and feeling like shit, took a shot of Nyquil ... had a fucked up dream...and woke up feeling horrid. I'm at work, ready to cry. I find now when I don't feel well, I want to cry. I really don't know when that started as normally I really have to feel like shit to cry, but I think knowing I have so much shit to do, no time and still having to work, seeing WG, tomorrow ... do this and that. It makes me want to cry cause I'm so fucking tired/fatigued. Fucking colds. My voice is going, my throat hurts badly, cough, watery eyes and nose. People are staying away from me at work. My work friend looked at me and said, boy you really did get sick and then backed away and hollared, I guess I'll email you later. THANKS. I'm contemplating going home at lunch. Tonight I said I'd go to the movies w/ WG. But if I feel like this, I'll have to tell him I can't go - and let him down. I feel bad about it. I told sister about fireman yesterday and she questioned me if I really thought WG was the "one." I said I think he is. She said, cause he loves you already and you have to make a decision if he's the "one." Why? Why must I make this decision? I think he's the one, but who can be for certain? We've only been dating 3.5 months. I really didn't need that conversation. I love WG in my own way, and I can't think of my life without him. Does that mean he's the one? I think he is, but I can't count all the eggs in my basket before they hatch. I'm still healing from my past mistakes and not ready to jump into the when's and where's, the mechanics of a relationship. Can't I just enjoy this time instead of labeling it? I just dont' know anymore, my head is to fuzzy to think I just don't like all these fucking questions suddenly from my sister. As if she's is protecting him, as if I'm the bad one. I know what I did before ... it was wrong. I know. I've stopped it haven't I?? Now I'm trying to change and she's drudging up shit that I've put to bed and am trying to forget. I dont' need those questions. That interrogation. No amount of words can make things move faster or change or whatever. Right now I am practicing silence. 9:31 a.m. - 2006-01-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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