sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- anymore I'm tired of being sick. I've been sick since Thursday? Friday was the worst. WG came over and said I didn't look or sound well. I said I was okay. He said he'd take care of me. So we went to the movies (I probably should'nt have....) And saw Underworld-Evo. I had a coughing jag at the near end - so OD'ed on cough drops and drank water - only letting out 4-5 deep coughs. I hate coughing and hate when people cough in a movie and don't try to control it. SO Saturday was the worst - he came over and we hung out here and I got a lot done for the bridal shower. I tried on my brides maid dress, ugh. It fit - don't get me wrong. I just am not used to something FORM fitting. When you wear things that don't CLING to your body. SO I slipped it on over my head - and it felt sorta snug and I freaked out in my mind. Then realized the lining was all bunched around my mid-section. My sister pulled that down and it fit okay - except for the top - which is like 5 sizes to big. I mean WHO SAYS plus size girls have big boobs? That's SHIT. So that HAS TO be altered. I'm worried about ... that if that is altered they will take in more around the waist/abs section - if I lose any of that fabric it just will be TO TIGHT. So my sister liked how it looked on me - when I pulled it up it made me look like I had a body shape - the coat on it, is perfect. I'm trying to figure how the fuck I'm going to SIT in it. That night I'm going to be 100% uncomfortable. Which sucks ass. I realized if I ever have to try on bridal gowns ... my sister will have to help me and I just hate getting measured and people coming in to LOOK at you and MEASURE you and shit. Argh. Regardless, me and WG had yet another conversation about "us." I always seem to flip him out whenever I bring up things, but feel that they need to be brought up. I told him, his baggage is that he is hesitant. He was quiet and asked how. I said...how slow we're going - which is OKAY. He said something about getting to know me. I said, yes, I understand that, but I said we're past the friends part, the getting to know you part. I said the kicker, brief and blunt: "I have to ask you to kiss me every time." Ka-choo. He was dead silent. He said that he knows we're past the friends/getting to know you part. He said now, we're going faster and now he knows that we have to begin the intimacy part and thinks that we have started it. I felt RELIEVED that he UNDERSTOOD me. And sees my frustration. I stood there feeling good ... he knows it and sees it and we're on the same page. I also want him to KNOW that I want him to step up to the plate - it's not all about me. After that, we sat on the couch and talked and watched TV. We talked and smiled and he told me how his friends say he's changed, he's so much happier, etc. I think at a few points, if I wasn't sick, we would've kissed. I told him, I really wanted to make out with him this weekend, but can't due to me being sick. So at least we're WORKING on getting to some point. I call it hurdle jumping. We've done a mini make out session, last time it worked out after numerous giggles. But the passion wasn't quite right. Now I feel like it's changed a lil within me. And with him, I feel it's changed in him too. Like we've evolved and lost some of the shyness. We always seem to be changing, shaping, moving. These things take time. And I hate waiting, but in waiting I appreciate it more. We had our horoscopes read together. It says I'm at home with my sexuality. I realized that maybe he's not. I feel nearly at ease with talking about some things and doing other things (in only in the dark). While I feel he's not at home with his, is embarassed of his body. He told me before that he's still shy with me. I told him, after a while, a few times, it'll be easier. I feel odd crabbing about intimacy in a relationship when I've never had problems with it. Normally it's the emotional part of he doesnt' love me enough or care for me. So now I have the topsy turvey relationship, loving and unsexed (at least for now). At least, with this one, we can work on intimacy - he's scared/shy/nervous while I'm ready to go. He'll come around I figure - he wants to - tries to. I won't push anymore. 11:30 a.m. - 2006-01-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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