sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- to much. I'm at work again. I am still sick, but also not wanting to take up a lot of sick days... you know for days when I want to like...play hooky? So yeah, within the hour of me getting to work I heard an outstanding, "you look like shit" from 5 co-workers and another dumbass ... "are you sick" question. No, I always look like shit. No, I always blow my nose every 5 minutes. I just love how this one woman, cloaking a "hope you feel better" ... she really was checking up to see if I had to train her this week for my job. She's my fill in when I'm not here and so sorry if I'm some plague and she doesn't want to spend time shadowing ... fuck off lady. I told her straight off, look I'm not training anyone this week, so you go tell them I'm not training anyone. Not a minute past before the ad folk came over saying, you're not training anyone this week? I said do I look like I want to be training anyone this week? Regardless. I am at work floating and fuzzy headed. Oh and my period came. So I'm floating, fuzzy headed and PMS'y and not dealing with anyones SHIT today. What a combo. At least, lest I pray to God yet again, I GOT MY PERIOD. Therefore am not in such a way that I was worried I could be in from said before behavior. Speaking of behavior. A very cute guy just walked into work. Not that I'm looking at cute guys, but when you look up and a cute guy smiles at you, you cannot help but notice and smile back. I'm contemplating looking up symptoms of nymphomaniac. Though I don't think I'm that bad I find myself all to easily tempted. Maybe it's hormones. I talked to one of my friends the other day about why I find myself tempted all the time. And knowing as girlie says, that it'll always be like that and to have some discipline cause God knows if I can't control that part of myself now ... then what would happen if I got married? Anyway, I told my friend how WG is so sweet, great, man to me. How that's rare, hard to find traits, etc. I don't want anyone else. I would die if he left me. Yet how do I find myself responding to MG --? Fireman calling still ... why? Let me be already. Why must I have these temptations around me then ask myself why I'm tempted? Like trying to lose weight and working in a chocolate factory. I'm only human. And in that I pray to God anymore to help me have strength. Wondering if I have a sickness, a perchance to cheat, to lie, to be morally fucked. I'm practicing ignore now. They are deleted from every bit of contact, nix the phone. Fireman rarely calls, MG never calls (only once). MG said that since I'd be "gone" he was going to "drop by" one afternoon to see if I was "okay." I'm assuming by him saying "seeing if I was okay" was seeing if I'd fuck him again. So right now I'm in discipline mode. Just when I thought both were out of my life, suddenly they say "hey where have you been?" Me saying, don't worry about it, I'm faithful now, I have a boyfriend. It's hard. I knew it would be. I feel like a whore. I feel like I was promuscious before, overly so. And now I figure I'm paying for it by these ghosts that still haunt me and poison my now seemingly perfect relationship with WG. If he only knew the things I've done ... I'm sure he'd think I was a demon. It's hard to sprout wings and a halo when the horns are still crumbling on your forehead and that tail is swishing behind you. But God, I prayed last night, that my period would start so I would know and pray for strength. Because I feel whatever that goes wrong in my relationship now, is bad karma from my past deeds. If I'm good, faithful, then things will get better. The only good thing coming from this cold is weight loss. Yes. Weight loss. I have lost weight in some odd manner. This is due to loss of appetite and drinking a million glasses of water a day. I also had a fever last night - ala burns calories. So yay for sickness? It's odd as I looked in the mirror and saw for the first time that my stomach didn't look huge but a lil fleshy. Must be eatin' up those fat reserves. I'm going to try to hit the gym beginning next Monday. Then attempt the 3 day diet again. Though I think it was working - though I quit the second day at noon - I did get the cha cha's from it and lost weight via asshole. So right now, things are a changin' it feels in my life. Sickness puts everything in perspective. I was sort of upset at the lack of taken-care-ness of boyfriend to me. No offers of "cooking" for me, just "can I go get you anything." I COOKED up soup and Saturday I COOKED us dinner. Granted microwave and stirring a pot isn't big whoop, but being sick, with a healthy boy there, it was upsetting that I had to cook, serve and THEN load the dishwasher. Asshole. That is my only complaint about him, he doesn't do anything unless you ASK. Or sometimes you say "no I got it" and even though they see you struggling they dont' help. Sometimes you HELP without asking and HELP when people say they've GOT IT. Argh. Irritates me, just like him not calling/emailing to see how I am ... hello. Girlfriend is sick, all I fucking ask for is to be taken CARE OF. JESUS. I know this is PMS talking. And knowing that if you don't EXPECT anything ... you won't be disappointed. I expected, I guess, to much. 2:28 p.m. - 2006-01-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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