sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- date My mind went blank this morning trying to remember my password for diaryland. Don't you hate that? It's something I do nearly everyday, and yet, I forgot it. It's like when you forget your social security number when someone asks you it or after someone else says theirs before you. Numbers, are so easy to mix up. I weighed myself today, on a whim, and I've lost 5 pounds since last week. Not sure if it's a combo of doing that one day (and a half) of the 3-day diet, getting sick, and maybe it's just water weight. It was nice to see. My period also went very light this time. I'm feeling slightly odd about it. Last month was light too and only went from Monday to Thursday. Just like this month, but only lighter. This sort of worries me regardless about things that I could be. I don't know why. Reading to much into it I guess. I am lucky to be on a birth control that is helping me out with my periods, the last one made my period so heavy. Now, this pill my time has tappered off, last month was the same. This month it feels even lighter with only one day the nasty red stuff. Not to be gross, but I had a lot of clots. I see that and I'm like what the fuck is this? And why do I have so much of it? I guess I ought to read into what that means. I used to think it was the lining of the uterus, but my mom said it was old blood or something. I don't know, my body is fucked up to begin with. And sometimes I lay in bed at night wondering if I'll have troubles getting pregnet, wondering what'll happen when I stop taking my pill. Regardless, I am better today - nix yesterday my hormones were raging all over. Today I'm calmer. Still just feeling odd about WG (paranoia) ... I start my pill again Sunday. I'm wondering why he can't contact me during the week. He says he's busy at work, tired when he gets home, etc. Then the next moment saying how we don't spend enough time together. I don't understand it. Though I can see how sometimes I don't want to see him, talk to him, but because I need me time. I just dont' see how things will change anymore. I'm wondering when the L word is spoken. When sex is added in, if that is when we get closer and closer. I guess right now we're lacking in those things. And I'm sitting here thinking about how he didnt' wait this long before to have sex with a girl, and why he's waiting so much with me. Basically why must I pay for his past mistakes, pay for the girls that have fucked him over. Why must he take it slow with me, when I'm tired of this pace and tired of not feeling wanted intimately by him. I've never felt this way before, never have I not had a man wanting me. My ex, I knew wanted me, but in the middle and end, that need felt like it went away. My WG is coy. With it all and I wonder just what the other girls did, were they aggressive with it? Because I can't be that way really, not at first. I want to tell him, I'm not like the others. I told him before, what worked on them, won't work on me. Maybe that worried him when I said that. But I'm an unusual girl, with likes that go beyond the fluff of intimacy. I don't like stuffed animals, I dont' like country flowers and pink hearts, I don't read romance novels and collect Precious Moments. Those are the girls, I believe, he's had. I don't like fake flowers, flower patterns in curtains, I don't like cheap furniture and cermaic kittens. I don't go to arts and craft show to buy anything. There are no crosses, Mary's or bibles in my apartment. Wooden kids on swings that hang outside on trees, I haven't wanted a baby all my life. I wanted a career. I want the finer things in life. And in that, I don't think he's dated a girl like me before. He said that he likes that I'm classy. But does he understand this? He told me last week that I'm spoiled. More so than my sister. I never thought I was that badly spoiled, I've had to work for things all my life, but I still want the best for myself. If that's spoiled them call me spoiled. I'm not shopping at Walmart for my clothing. It's almost Friday and he hasn't talked to me nearly all week - no plans have been made for Friday. I'm not emailing or going to be the one to make the plans as I normally do this week. No emails, no calls. Let's see what happens. Anyway, I'm still slightly feeling blah about me having to wait and wait. Him having these fucking rules. He has this epiphany about wanting to go slow, and me having to abide by it. He has the control, I see of it all. And right now I'm considering playing hard to get, seeing how he reacts when I don't sit by him, and stay away from him. I know he gets upset when I'm not there next to him, or holding his hand. But now I'm getting upset with lack of intimacy. No wonder it's so easy to be tempted when what lacks in my relationship is the need of me. When I have MG or Fireman wanting me like that, I think to myself, I wish my WG wanted me like this. And that's what sad. I saw on the L-Word TV show - the same thing happening when the girl was tempted. She didn't do it, but said exactly what I say ... I wish he (she) wanted me like you do. That is the kicker. Will it get better? Will this change? He said he's shy with it ...but I wonder if there will be a point where he'll walk in and kiss me the way I want to be and do the things I want to? He said before when we get to that point, that that's probably all that we'll do. But in all this talk. These words. I just don't see it. Feel it ... I can't see him being agressive and stuff. Though he says he gets aggressive with sex, though he says he loves to mess around. I want to say, where? When? I just...don't see it. Feel it, certainly haven't tasted it. Not even when we've made out in this awkward moment where it feels like he's so nervous and scared, relax. I guess I'm getting slightly tired of this lil game he has going on. I don't want to just be some girl he comes over, sits on my couch and watches TV with. I'm tired of that, I'm tired of talking. Right now, I don't even know what I want. I just feel a part of me is getting hurt by him, though I know he's not aware of it. Maybe he is as last time he said we were working on our intimacy. I wanted to say, it shouldn't need to be worked on. Because you should WANT to do these things. I just am beginning to feel hurt inside. He doesn't know it, or maybe he sees it a little. But I'm not going to talk about it because how many times have we talked about us and sex and us and intimacy. If he doesn't know what I want by now, then he's just not paying attention. So what to do now. Play the cold shoulder. I think take a step back. I remember telling myself to keep my emotions in check and I think I let the flood gate open with them and now they are so scattered. I like him a lot, maybe I love him. Right now I feel hurt by him and I know we can work these things out, but he's the one that needs to work on this issue. Nothing I can say or do, will change it. But know this, everything has an expiration date. 9:04 a.m. - 2006-02-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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