sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- love him Where I work, now is a friggin germ infested place. Everyone is sick. The sickness has been spread. There isn't 5 minutes that goes by where someone isn't coughing or blowing their nose. I'm sitting here thinking, how will this plague end? No one cleans their desks, their phones, keyboards, door knobs. It's all neglected and therefore the sickness is uncontrolled. And dare I say that no one really washes their hands, and more so that the soap given to us to use isn't anti-bacterial. We're all set up to fail. I see it now, maybe this is a way to eat up our sick days, so when spring comes we won't be tempted to be "sick" in a way where we go out shopping or sleep in. Regardless, I am feeling okay today. The girl I'm supposed to train called and said couldn't we wait until next week? She doesn't want my cold. I really hate the fact that people feel the right to treat you like shit cause you're sick. The girl was like, well I don't want to get sick .... I said, but I'm nearly over it, just a runny nose and cough .... She says, but my allergies.... I say, I cleaned my desked with Clorox ... she says, I was going to ask but didn't want to seem bitchy. To late. Anyway, I'm hoping WG didn't get this cold. It's so bad, I've had it now two weeks and it's nearly the middle of the week and I'm still getting stuff up and a runny nose. Though I'm kissable cause it's not constant. Yay for me. Though I am worried about him - I can foresee him with this cold for two friggin weeks, missing VDay and stuff. Ugh. I know it's not that important, but it's hard doing anything when someone is sick. They are grouchy and they don't feel like doing anything. WG was so grouchy on Friday. The looks he gave me, etc. I was sort of freaked cause of how short he was acting with me. "Geez honeyyyy" I cooed. I went to Walmart last night and made him a desk kit. I thought it'd be cute, I got a mini bottle of aspirin, some immodium, a picture frame w/ my pic in it, candy, some post its with a pen, a lil hulk toy (he loves hulk) and I got him a card. It's a Valentine's Card with a cool tattoo in it, I wrote in the card something like here are some things for your desk, and put that tattoo somewhere and show it to me. I didn't know what to write and wondered if he would think this was a lame thing to do. I thought it'd be fun, as I did the same thing for my ex - well when he got a new job. It's sweet. And I wish that WG and I would say that we loved each other as buying cards, gifts ... with love on them - is easier than finding neutral cards/gifts without the L word. Everyone says he already loves me. Without him saying it. But still, last time when he said about the L word meaning that we're "serious, serious" ... and something that we aren't to that point yet, I wondered if maybe he really doesn't yet love me, or maybe he does but not ready to say it? I'm not sure. I was hoping on VDay he might say it, but I'm not going to really pray on it because I don't want a let down. The L-word is a serious thing, and I don't want him to say it until he's ready to. And the same for me. It's saying it and hoping the other person feels the same, that is so scary. I also wonder what he's getting me as he asked me the other day if I liked gold or silver better. Hm. I said silver, I hate gold. Now I'm wondering, am I getting jewelry for Vday? Earrings maybe? A bracelet? Necklace? Or getting a DVD? My mom says I'm the worst person to buy for. I don't see how. My mom also says I'm the pickiest girl and wants only the best, and it's either my way or the highway. I don't know why I'm like that, I know I do have to many "rules" to things ala "we can only kiss in the dark, and with the shades drawn, no candles..." etc. Though I bend these so called "rules" so much so that you really can't say that I completely sick to the things I say. Oh well, I don't know. I wish I could enjoy things, not think so much on them. It would be fantastic to accept and learn and just be with so many things concerning WG. Just be happy that he's there. Still I feel at odds with my past. I don't know why it's bothering me suddenly. I wish I could let that go entirely. And just learn to live. I keep wondering if God is going to punish me somehow if maybe if this IS my punishment. That's what I wonder on, or if God has forgotten me and given up on me that I am left to my own devices. Or I pray for God to give me understanding as to why I did a lot of things and so much strength to not do what I did before. I have a wonderful guy, what more can I want, need or ask for? I did read on some religious site about a married woman who cheated on her husband due to lack of intimacy. She tried and tried to get him to care, make time for her, love, etc. She finally gave up, and found a lover. Now, I wonder sometimes if this adulterist woman isn't fully to blame? When she's tried and tried, seeking this intimacy, this love and not getting it? I mean she did wrong, there is no discussion on that, however isn't he partly to blame? She came to her senses and stopped seeing her lover after realizing that it could end her marriage - which she didn't want, however her husband found out and flipped out - it said he ripped up their wedding album and flung out their wedding picture on the front lawn, made her pack one suitcase and sent her on her way. She realized all the things she lost in her mistake - and soon he took her back. I wondered though, about how strong intimacy is. If I was cold, and never gave love or intimacy to my lover, is it any wonder that he would go off someplace else to find this? And in that, I know it's wrong, but in a way, it's sort of ... I don't know ... okay. Not saying cheating is OK, but in a way, what you don't get from someone you look to others for. So in a way, are we always "cheating" on those we love? Not sexually, but in other ways? Fireman still calls me, is that a form of cheating? I really don't know. I don't want to talk to him anymore, a lot of the time I wish he would stop talking to me - though he averages a call once a month - still. I feel guilty about him, he has nothing in his life and sometimes I feel like I'm the only bright spot in it. We're just friends - granted given our past. I don't wany anything with him, no relationship, nothing, just friendship. And sometimes I don't think he can fanthom that, and sometimes I realize, why should he? Given what we'd done, how can you go back? However in his talks, he seems to think that when he visits in June, that ... somehow I'll be his. As if I would toss away WG ... for him. I know I have to cut this man free...in June when he gets here, I can't see him. Or if I do meet him in a public place. I'm not ruining my relationship with WG ... for him. I don't want him. I only want WG. Anymore I think I need to get back to realizing I'm in a relationship and I don't want anything to ruin it. Nothing that will cause him to leave me. If we break up, it' will be mutual, not because of something stupid I've done. I have already fended off advances of dudes on the net - I know that's stupid - but before when I was single that was my bread and butter. My dates, purely I relied on the net. Now, I tell them, hey I've got a boyfriend. I just feel maybe this is God's punishment, me feeling guilty suddenly about my past. Why is is coming up now? Is it cause I feel more serious about WG? Something, that everyone knows about us and adores that we're dating, my parents love him? That now....I find myself depending on him and caring what he thinks about me? I think that's it, and finally feeling that he really indeed cares and wants me. I think all of this, suddenly. I feel, I don't deserve this from him ... I hate my past, wish I could forget and maybe this it the final thing before I release these thoughts and let myself become entirely WG's? I don't know. I stopped feeling scared about our relationship ... and now in this transition ... I don't know how I feel, I want to be with him, I know it in my heart. But our relationship now, I just feel ... deeply about. Just talking to him, I just ... maybe am feeling how he does and on his wave length ... and in that I'm confused by these things I'm feeling. No words to describe. Just feeling something and knowing that in my way I'm learning to love him. 8:50 a.m. - 2006-02-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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