sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- goodbye. To forgive yourself does not mean that you should forget what you did or said that might have injured another or caused yourself distress. To forgive yourself simply means you realize that you might have done something differently if you had known how. Forgiving yourself means you recognize that you didn't know how to do something differently and realize you have learned by your mistake. As someone once said, experience is what we get right after we need it. To forgive yourself means you are finally willing to accept yourself just as you were at the time you made the mistake you've been holding over your head. Today I won't lie to you all. Yesterday I spoke to MG for the first time, in a long time. I went home at lunch half way expecting him to be there. I felt sick inside, wondering why this was happening yet again, praying to God for strength and to help me figure out why I was finding myself in this all to familiar scene yet again. God seemed to have answered my prayer and MG didn't show up. I was happy and at that moment, I realized I need to cut fireman and MG loose. For certain, for real, forever. At work I've mulled about it. Not sure what to do and finally sending out two "Dear John" Im's to both of them. Saying I need to make my relationship work and them here, with temptations ALL THE TIME, I can't do this again. I won't do this again, I feel GUILT in the fact they I've spoken to them, when I should've cut them loose, and thought I had. I feel sick inside right now of what could've ALMOST happend today. And thankful God showed me the light and right now I don't care if they both hate me and right now, I told Fireman I'd be his friend, or maybe not if he can't get past seeing me as just some toy to be played with when he gets to visit. I can't do this anymore, no more. I was ready to forgive myself for my past deeds, but seeing as today almost was a replay ... I see this forgiveness needs work. I guess I've made steps in the right direction with telling them a solid NO MORE. And I expect a phone call from Fireman because he always seems to do that to me, as if he can bully me, guilt me back into saying I will. Not this time. I can't. No more. After reading that thing about that woman who was an adulterer ... and how she felt, and realizing, that maybe a part of me before wasn't ready to committ ... now ... I am fully to committ. I just CAN'T DO this anymore because of the guilt. I know I haven't done anything ... not since last time ... NOTHING, but still knowing that it COULD'VE happend today, it's eating me up inside. Thank God it didn't happen. I AM faithful. I just feel I need to make things right with God because....right now I just feel guilt and remorse for even having kept their company this long. I think God has been trying to tell me to do this the past few days..... And right now I think I'm on the road to forgiving myself, knowing this much at least, cutting them off, telling them how I feel that I can't do it any longer. I'm done with them, goodbye. 3:21 p.m. - 2006-02-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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