sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- anytime soon It really sucks at work when someone bitches about something, so your department goes and has to change shit for ONE person. See I don't get my Sunday "dummy" (papers that signify where ads go in the paper) until around 11 ish on Thursdays. Well since the Adv. Reps can't get their shit together they, well one has complained that "if we got the list earlier, then they would better know if their ads would be killed or needed to be moved. When in fact their graphic artists SHOULD be the ones contacting them to let them know of any ads that could run late/be moved. So how does it affect me? My boss had to stay late yesterday to finish up Sunday's paper (she worked at least 12 hours yesterday) ... so I came in at 8:15 to get out this fucking list by 8:45. So the list is out and I'm sitting here wondering if anyone except the one BITCH that complained is even looking at it. I'm sitting here because my boss still has to put in the overlay's for my templates. I have no paper work telling me how many pages are running, etc. So all I did basically was come in at 8:15 to put together the pages, and type out the list of ads/full pages running. It's like ... why am I here? It just frustrates me cause it's like no one appreciates this extra work. I applied for a job yesterday in the area - a graphic artist position for this brush place near where I live. I am doubtful to even gain an interview. I always thought having worked for Dizz-ney (just in case) ... that people would be like, wow hard company to work for, hard to get hired and wow this girl ran a print shop ONBOARD a fucking ship. But alas, that's peanuts next to ... ah ... well the STrAIGhT from college student. -- Still boggled by that one. Whatever. I just feel like my career has taken a pitch straight down, an inverted spike. A really, shitty time in my life where I make no money and do nothing creative when I know I can do it, and am even better than some of the graphic artists here. My only option is to work in Chicago. Which would mean more money, however, more stress for driving to train station, parking in the boonies, getting to Chicago, off the train and walking through the underground and without getting lost or mugged, get to street level, where God knows how far I'll have to walk. Or else drive, and stress out due to traffic, use up a lot of gas and wear/tear on car ... not to mention driving home - which is sitting in traffic for probably an hour. (Been in that traffice before). It's just not worth it. Maybe if I lived near the train station, maybe IF I still lived in Hammond. Maybe I would. I always wanted to move near the city if I got a job there. I feel trapped suddenly. I have a lease now. I have no means to pick up and move now. Not like before where I could go to Indy in a whim, or Florida. I guess I've "settled down" in a way. And I see WG and think, settled down. Think tied down. Think, freedom lost. I see my sister taking care of her fiance's kid a lot, and I see her very tied down, not able to do the things she wants. Since he moved in, she's been tied down. And sometimes I wonder, if that isn't what I'm afraid of. Tied down in my career, but now, feeling tied down in my personal life. Love life. Tied. Down. Maybe that's why -- I did what I did before. I read that if you cheat, etc. that means part of you isn't ready to committ. That you're still out there. I think maybe I was that way before. Now...I want to committ, I really do and part of me has, but still a lil part of me is twisting in the wind scared of feeling like if I give myself to this person, will I be losing out on someone else? Or maybe if I give myself to this person, will he leave me suddenly for something else? I can never see WG just leaving me, suddenly. We're getting comfortable with each other. I felt it last time as we lay in bed and talked. Then both fell asleep. I just knew it, felt it. And when I was sleeping - sick - and woke up and he asked if I was okay. I knew it then. So I'm about 80% comfortable sleeping with him now. I don't know what that means, I can see the intimacy in this, I guess knowing I feel safe sleeping beside him is the key. It's just an odd transition and maybe then is when I committed more of myself, more into him and me. Regardless ... I had an odd dream last night. I dreamt I was very sick. Not sure what I had, but it was serious. Something like cancer, but not cancer. Something internal that made me take pills, and the pills made me so tired. I remember my mom saying, "she's going to take that pill and go to sleep I just know it." She was saying it all rude. I was sickly to say the least, and thin - not in a good way. All I remember is looking at a bed after taking the pill, and not wanting to sleep so I could be with my mom, but felt so tired I could curl up and sleep. Anyway, I dislike dreams like that - they scare the fuck out of me because I've always had a feeling I would die young. Other than this, I'm psyched still about VDay. I don't know why. I've never been this excited about VDay before because I usually HATE Vday. I don't know if I'm more excited about giving WG my gift, or the possibility of fucking around or just pleasing him. I adore the card I got him, it's wonderful. I love it. I'm going to make a brownie for him, and put a dollop of cool whip - vanilla on it. I'm going to look for a heart cookie cutter and cut out the brownie with it. But if I can't find it, I think a plain ol' square is okay. I'm sure he wont' complain! I figure...hmmm cool whip....hee hee. I also can't wait to light candles in my apt. I mean they are brand NEW candles - never lit! I've been having a itch to burn them - there is something about burning new candles that is so satifiying. It's like taking something un-used and something so perfect and destroying it. The match, taking the wicks virginity. I've slightly a sick feeling in my stomach that WG will get coy/shy which makes me nervous and I'll get upset inside about nothing happening. I hate when I get like that, cause then I get pissed at WG. I need to realize it's not his fault entirely. I need to relax. Anyway my parents come in today. I'm excited to see them. I like that I'll see this this month and next month for my sisters wedding. After this ... nothing! I'm not sure what to do with myself after this wedding. God knows how much I've done for it and stuff. I'm still hurting for cash. It's gotten very bad. I don't know what quiet to do anymore. Other than thinking about cutting out my DSL and am going to lower my cable box to basic. That ought to save at least $50. See I get paid today, and have $500 to live on for about a month. Note the $500 also goes to all my bills. And I have to buy food, gas, pay on visa. I'm already waiting 3 weeks for my nails to get done - ala get them done once a month - my only guilty pleasure. My following check goes to rent. Then again, a check, and so on. I know I should probably find a new "career" write again? Something. I don't know. It's sad I could be a secretary and get paid more than what I make here. And Wg talking about getting married, kids, on his salary we couldn't survive. I'd have to work and I'd want to work, but he wouldn't want me to. Life, I feel for me, is about to get pretty... interesting. I feel like saying, watch my upcoming year and next year, and see just how my life changes. And how it's on this trend of change - as it has been for about two years now. I have a feeling it's not stopping anytime soon. 8:54 a.m. - 2006-02-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||