sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- about it A quick update. Just because. I have to train some girl today at around 10, and not sure how long I'll train her and if I'll have ample time to update. As this past weekend was a whirlwind. Had my sisters bridal shower. Saw WG Friday/Sat/Sun. Lots of things discussed yet again. Everyone at the shower asking if we'll be planning another one of these soon. My mom telling my hairstylist (also hers too) that after 4 months, I was talking about moving in with WG. I never said that, only that people have ASKED if I was. He hasn't asked, so now that's explaining to do in March when I get hair cut. Really dislike mom making up stories, telling other people, and asking if I think we'll be planning a wedding soon. No. WG was sick this weekend - a cold - and overall not well. He's fighting something. I didn't push to make out, or anything. I didn't let him kiss me. I took care of him and we basically puttered about Friday night. I can't remember even what we did. Saturday I reinjured my ankle - the one I sprained so many months ago. It's stronger, but still easily aggravated. And aggravated by the shoes I wore, and being on my foot all day, carrying and running up and down stairs. My exercise for that day - yeah - I wish I wore a pedometer. The shower went by fast and like I said, I didn't really get to enjoy it much. The work we did was crazy, but everyone said it was fantastic. It started at 1:00 and WG was supposed to be there at 2. He didn't show up until 3. I had gone back to my apt to get my vaccume and was fuming as to WHY he wasn't there, I looked out the window and saw him pull up. I stopped my insanity and quickly changed from my nice shirt to a tshirt so I could clean comfortably, I let him in and he carried out the vaccume for me and apologized for being late. I didn't care and we both went to clean up. My mom says now, the way he looks at me, watches me, he takes care of me. I noticed this too - this watching he always watches me, as if I'm some movie, something that's about to do something interesting. It gets on my nerves sometimes when I'm trying to do something and he's sitting there watching over me as if I'm a child. I know my mom calls that "protecting" me. Regardless, we cleaned up and went back to my apt where we did nothing for the reminder of the night. He showed me this car he wants to buy now - thankfully a 2003 car - not the 1980 car he was looking at. After it all I layed on the love seat in my apt with a blanket over me (cold again) and he sat on my other couch. I layed there and said anything that came into my mind (a lil off the wall), I poked my fingers through the holes in the blanket and said, "why haven't I met your parents, yet?" He sighed and said, "Jen ...." So I went on, "are you ashamed of me, do you ever talk to your parents about me and what we do?" I wasn't being to off the wall, but just curious because I feel ODD not meeting them yet. He said, "Of course I talk about you, I always do. And I just talked to my mom and she said my dad was feeling a lot better and maybe not this week, but next week...." "Oh" ... I layed there feeling ... at least happy that he asked about it, and wants them to meet me. We got in a heated discussion later in the night, bordering on fight - about work. He was a complete asshole about it, insensitive and I flipped out yelling OH I guess YOU KNOW MY JOB, you just know it FUCKING ALL. After that, he back pedeled a lot because of his being nuts about something that he doesn't know. I hate when he gets in this mood where he thinks he is right, even when he doesn't know all the sides of something and he just will NOT listen. We both fumed and in the end, I just shut down and was like fuck off. Maybe he was sick and I was tired and that mix doensn't work. I took a shower and relaxed a little while he watched TV and got on the internet. We calmed down and talked and went to bed sort of early since I was so tired. I layed there in the dark talking to him. I can't look at him when I ask important things, when I make statements. We talked yet again about sex - intimacy. I told him yet again how he never reaches for me. I explained it to him, for him to be in my shoes. If he had to always reach out to me, ask for kisses, for hands to hold, for hugs and such. He said he understood now, but also that I need to understand where he's coming from - feeling like he's lost his mojo, not messing around for 3 years ... etc. I said I understood, and that I want to go at his pace and for him not to feel pressured by me. He said, if you want me to make moves ... I will. I said, quietly, are you attracted to me, because it doesn't feel like you are. He got upset and said of course I am, Jen ... if I wasn't I wouldn't be here.... So I said again, but you make me feel like you don't ..... It was quiet and I rolled over (he was on his side - back to me) and I put my arm around him and said quietly into his arm you know ... I'll never deny you.... I felt him inhale and say equally as quiet ... that is really good to know ... really good to know...... He didn't say it sarcastically, but in a way, I think before, he felt maybe I would, maybe worried I would say no to him. Rejection. We both fell asleep and he didn't sleep that well - him waking up a lot during the night. He had a dirty dream about me he said, and I laughed it off. I wanted to say, I think I saw our future as the other night - because it was one of those dreams that felt so real. Our first time - having sex - it wasn't a dirty dream, but emotional? I could see it - slow and heart felt. I felt something odd I guess. Something WG entirely put his finger on as he told me how last time we both were nervous kissing each other. He said, that's the special part ... if it was anyone else, just some one night stand, you wouldn't be nervous or care. He said that nervousness, is the care we have for each other and I could understand that. Regardless, we both agree that it's great we can talk about these things. I'm trying to be careful with what I say, but needing for him to know, that often times I really don't feel like he's attracted if it's always me asking to mess around. I know he's gone up to me for kisses, but he says his style is to never ask, but to look for cues for ... making out. So we both agree we have different styles, but in that, we're still learning and progressing. We are. At least we can talk about these things, when before we could not. Anyway, maybe something changed in him from this conversation - that morning he wrapped his arm around me, and layed (spooned) a lil ... his arm gracing over me, it was nice to feel - at the very least. So he is coming around ... and I'm patient and yet trying to get him to take a stand. He is -- and I'm trying not to rush or pressure. So tomorrow, is Valentine's Day - and he said he'd be better by then. He told me that I had better save up my energy ... and that I'd better like my present - which I know he got me a box of Trinidads ... and something made for me ... I think a candle, or something. I don't mind. I made his brownie last night - and am going to clean up a lil tonight and shave and stuff and perfume up. The outfit is I'm unsure of. Hm. I just bought a new bra - so nice - so we'll see tomorrow. I feel slightly nervous. Still I am going to relax and just enjoy it. Though I do feel nervous a lot ... geez ... I feel so ... stupid. Ha. Oh well good times, will update about it. 9:20 a.m. - 2006-02-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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