sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- yikes? Feeling guilt about how I treated WG yesterday. I wonder why the boy puts up with me sometimes. Cause the way I treat him sometimes ... the things I say. I am cruel. I know I can be. Today I thought about him a lot. For some reason, and kept thinking how if he were to leave how broken I'd be. So it makes me wonder sometimes how you can just be so shitty to those who mean the most to you? This boy who says he'll be there for me, anything I ask for, he agrees to do. Things he doesn't want to, he does. And sometimes when I gripe and bitch and moan about the things he doesn't do, I don't think about all the things he does do. I tried to think if I redeemed myself in my shittiness last night. I'm not sure, but I think with all the things I do for him and the words and hands and touches I give, he forgives, forgets, understands. Last night we lay in bed cuddling and I really felt suddenly for him, just comfort and feeling love. His arms around me, like a drug now. I crave it. I crave HIM. Touches, kisses, caresses. He is right, and last night, said a lot when he said impatiently, "we've got to get this ball rolling." I think our relationship has staled in the fact that we're growing emotionally, however intimately, we're eager, yet physically we are battling colds and the flu. So waiting, due to ourselves, the bugs inside making us impatient. I told him last night I'd fuck him. We both laughed about it. He's right that we're there, eye contact, things. I want him. Still, I am at a loss for words when I think if he should ever leave me. My heart, would be entirely broken. Which is why I can't even think about cheating, not even an ounce of me wants to ever go down that path. I just can't now. Something has changed. ANYWAY PEOPLE! Guess what? I did my taxes and I'm finally FINALLY have good news about monay! I get back ... $1,014 from Fed. and $112 back from state!!!! I'm so happy about this. Finally a light at the end of a tunnel. That will pay off my VISA ENTIRELY. However, I will put half on Visa, rest in savings. I'm just JOYOUS about this. Granted I'm still quite the poor gal right now, still happy about my return. Also am playing the lotto *work pool* - there are 30 people at work - ala 30 numbers being played. WG is playing at his office too and also bought his own ticket. He said, if I won, I'd give you money. Aw. So my goals now: be nicer to wg and stop taking him for granted, etc. Though, I think I am very loving to him, he knows, must know how I feel when I can't keep my hands off of him. All I want is his happiness and sometimes I know I can create it. *Sigh* Oh is this love yet? I'm more worried about us messing around, but anymore it's not for getting off, but more for showing him how I feel physically about him. OH AND I got my bride's maid dress - tried on and it fit okay. I feel like a cow in it, but my sister says it gives me a shape - good shape - though they had to PIN my boob area yet again. :( And pull up the dress and I have larger thighs and it's SNUG. I paid off my alternations. :) So I am pretty much DONE, and now left to do is small things. Okay. Feeling better about life, but feeling upset with myself for getting mad at my guy for no reason. Will make do. Off to gym tomorrow, etc. I can't wait until Friday, yet again, to fuck around with him. Kiss him and be engulfed in those arms. Like a wave taking me under, we're heading someplace nice. I supposedly, will. Meet his parents next Saturday. He'll let me know tomorrow I think. Can you say, yikes? 10:09 p.m. - 2006-02-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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