sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- to much info I'm thinking of ways to make extra money. Suddenly. I know ebay is my friend, but I'm feeling unmotivated to do it. I know I SHOULD, but ... photographic and then explaining, - a clothing lot - ugh. Takes forever. Then boxing it up, sending it. I hate doing that shit. I think right now, I'm better off to sell my rug hooking kit that I bought off ebay so many moons ago - and sell that. I should get $100 for it at least. I paid $80 for it, then had to order extra wool for it. so.... Still I hate to put it up, as I always meant to finish it off. Regardless, I'm not THAT hard up - I mean I'm still high on getting my tax return. My letters sit in the mail box right now - and will until tomorrow - since it's Prez. Day. I figure by Mid-March to get my lovely return of $1,028 and then my $112. Yay. Right now though, I'm living pay check to pay check.... With $112 cable bill still sitting on my counter, with $475 in savings, and $100 in checking....next check goes to rent, the following I get on March 9th goes to bills. So I'm contemplating writing and sending a check for that on March 7th. :) They'll get it - before the due date - postmarked at least. Uh.. Sly me. Fucking cable. $112! Jesus H. Christ. I know I put two movies on it and $16 for showtime - is what drove it up. But damn that tv show - the L-Word for sucking me in, or else I would get rid of it. I'm looking on the net for places to download the WHOLE shows to - so I could get rid of showtime - and just watch em on the net. I'm still lookin'. Anyway ---- WG Called me ... last night. I was pretty upset/pissy because I thought we were supposed to do something Sunday. After 3 I was like, he's not calling and I suddenly was not caring as much. I don't know what that meant, but I was slightly hurt and decided to take a nap. I also over-ate way to much Sat/Sunday. Really bad. Like emotional eating! I fell asleep and my mom called and pissed me off by waking me up - and then being all cheery on the phone. I know. SO we talked briefly and I went and played a game on the computer and that's when WG called - around 7:30 - 8 ish. He told me he was feeling better and I think he just needed this down time. He didn't go to games night (my Ex runs that) and I guess he dropped off some paper at my ex's and the ex got mad at him for not saying and my lovely, fantastic boyfriend said, he didn't feel well ... and then said....(gawd I think I love him now) .... "I didn't even get to spend time with my girlfriend." *Sigh* I guess ex was pissy and my boyfriend was pissy cause ex was being a dick. I told my lovely man that ex is a selfish fuck, and what did he expect. Supposedly they might've postponed it. Which I feel like a dog with it's scruff all up because this Saturday me and WG have made plans. *arf* I will bare my teeth if suddenly WG asks if we can postpone Saturday. I know he won't, cause .... yesterday he said he was sorry we didn't get to see each other Sat/Sun and if we could go out Wednesday night and then Friday and he could spend the night Saturday night. I think WG has the guilts? Or something. I don't know, I know he didn't feel well and know it's not his fault. I think maybe me flipping out on Friday night cause he was sick, did that to him. Sorta scared him. Scared him into thinking HE is the wrong one or let me down? When in fact it doesn't matter. I was just hot and wanted to fuck around, he was sick and couldn't, so I got pissed. That's it in a nutshell. Sooo Anyway I said ... awkwardly .... Wednesday ...it's cool to hang out..... He wanted to see a movie and I said..."on a school night?" (well work night) and he said, oh well Friday we can see a movie and wed. we can do whatever. I get the distinct feeling, Wednesday ... he might have a lil .... fuck around time --- hinted? I didn't say anything other than, okay Wed. we'll do something. Cause he knows this week is my horny - week before period week. And Wedneday usually IS the day I begin wanting it bad. Today, I feel ... really nothing. So I don't know. I felt just ... awkward about the sudden - let's hang out Wednesday. I guess cause it varies from our normal routine...? It makes me laugh ... that whole conversation, I was like ... "uh...Wednesday....why? We dont' need to ... uhh okay ... that's fine ... let's ... uh do...something." Ha.... He was like confused. I guess I DO run hot and cold a lot. And in a way sometimes I feel like he thinks this is it and he gets upset when I say things that vary from us - forever, to us - ending at some point. It's hard to be entirely - oh we'll be together foreverrr. I'm just wary now from my past things. They always ended, and I knew they would. WG and I, are different, and in a way my heart will break undoubtedly if we broke up. What's that mean? I don't know. Right now I'd rather not think on it. While talking to him, I said on Sat/Sun I just felt SO alone. I mean really alone for the first time. I was lonely. My sister came over for a bit Sunday and I spent most of the day with her Saturday, but after she left, I just was lonely!! He said he felt the same way Saturday - and then joked how come I didn't call him when I knew he was sick. I barked that I thought he was at games night. He said he was laying on his couch with my blanket covering him and feeling lonely and called out my name. I died laughing, picturing my lil man all sickly, "Jennnnn." Ha.... I also joked about how I wasn't going to touch him anymore. He just about killed me. He loves it when I'm there - and touchy feely. He said his favorite is the morning when I know he's awake and I give him a morning hug with a goood morninggggggg. ha.... He said I could touch him as he sleeps - like my arms on him - etc. I know it does feel good to have someone reach for you and hug you up. It's just funny how in the beginning he felt so uncomfortable with me even close to him. And NOW if I'm not there next to him, he gets all upset and shit. WTF is that?? So I guess I got the boy hook, line and sinker and maybe he's got me in that way too. I know he tries really hard to please me and I try to be sane for him. I know I'm wacky, I'm eccentric. I KNOW this. Odd ideas and views. I told him I keep him on his toes. And he realizes I'm unlike his other bitches. Erm. Anyway. I told him I love when he spends the night. I really do. Sometimes waking up next to him, having someone there, I don't know. It's just a nice feeling. Though he snores, it doesnt' bother me. However when he breathes on me...EW. I hate that. Or gets TO close to me at night - like ON me -- I'm not used to that. But in a way, him getting close to me and me allowing it - we've both changed somehow. He says we've gotten comfortable again. Hm. I don't know. But feel odd about impending period. This week I always feel ODD, like nutty - wacky in a good way. Still him hinting Wednesday/Friday ... it shocked me a lil. Whoa. Erm. I feel sorta ... nervous again. It might be PMS though. But....eh. I'll deal and sure as rain will be so hot by Wed/Friday ... I think I'll get over it. Will update - though NOT getting hopes up for fucking around cause of Friday's let down. Still ... eh ... we're good to go. I don't know, I just feel comfortable again, a warm comfort with him. We can be evil to each other, argue and still feel the same about one another. Ugh. Okay. And I'm contemplating our sex, first time, condomless. I am on birth control afterall. And they said one time - sex - is 30% chance of pregnancy (this is w/o birth control) ... so my odds are pretty good. However, there is a slight chance I could get knocked up, if the birth control failed somehow, I could ... but it's a remote chance. Look at fireman who came in me 4 times - vascetomy granted - but still could produce live ones. I dunno. I plan on calling my gyn and asking her once we go down this road. In June is my pap smear, etc. Yikes. At least when they use the spectum - I should be stretched out more than last time - last time I'd only had sex with my ex which ... really .... didn't uh ... "rip" it as much as it should've. It's fully open now with cop, fireman, MG ... yeah. Gross to think about. Ooh. Okay. To much INFO. 9:33 a.m. - 2006-02-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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