sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the rain Yay. Went to the gym two days in a row. I rock don't I? I did the ellipitical for 30 minutes then lifted some weights. Really dislike how busy the gym gets, fighting for a machine, if I could leave this gym I would. But I'm under contract until October. That's shit right? SO I'm lifting weights and notice this trainer training this fat girl. I really admire those type of people who go gun-ho into weight loss. Anyway she was smaller than I and had one of those "okay" fat bodies - like Lane Bryant "fat" model bodies. She was dressed nicely, cute hair. She was one of those people I strive to be. However my hair anymore is hardly cute (cut TO short, in another transition into growing long again) and my body isn't Lane Bryant friendly, need to lose 50 pounds to feel in that way. But still I feel sort of empowered by the fact that you dont' need to be SUPER thin anymore. Sorry, but I think girls in a 16/18/20 --- have "okay" bodies. These thin girls who're a size 0 - it just looks unhealthy. Especially those who STRIVE for that size. Please don't. Regardless ... I picked up a brochure/hand out on a new program my gym has on eating. You meet once a week and talk and weigh-in's, you get to plan your own menus on the net - it follows HEALTHY eating and eating what you like. Not like WW where you must count points, etc. This gym is run by a hospital, so it has to be healthy right?? ;) So I'm going to call about it sometime this week maybe - get the prices. I'm very low on cash and can't afford some crazy priced program (ala' WW crazy ASS DUES ... WTF IS THAT??!!!) Regardless, I wish it were free, and maybe it will be low like $10 a month or something. Dreaming? Anyway, tonight I see WG. And let me tell you what went down yesterday. See this doofus - newly hired BOY - where my loving boyfriend works ... completely disregards the "rules" of the job. He's supposed to notify me of late ads, when they are expected, etc. But since working he has *never* notified me. *Never* checks my emails sent of late ads (send out a lot during the day) ... and plainly doesn't give a fuck. Yesterday was the last straw as I called and he was supposed to refile an ad (I was about to kill it) and I didn't, calling up to find it - and he filed it wrong in the morning, I'd sent out three emails, now four ... and he didn't refile it still. So I did it on my own. Found it and filed it for him. That's taboo for my job, a major no no. It's NOT my job entirely. So I got pissed, vented to boyfriend about how this boy doesn't do his job - and my loving?? boyfriend tells me to calm the F down ... that they told him to refile. I got pissed because obviously he didn't see or understand my frustration dealing with this BOY for two weeks now. OBVIOUSLY it's not getting knocked into this thick fucking skull that I'm not fucking around. So I email back my lovely, "whatever, I'll take care of it." As I did, with an email to the "boss" out there with how he needs to talk to his staff about late list procedures as well as the new BOY as I've having issues with him. So yes, I know. I HAVE PMS. I won't lie. I've had bad headaches (today borders on migraine) ... yesterday was grease cravings. Sun/Mon overeating. Now obsession that WG might be mad, will he break up with me? I know he won't. Wouldn't. I know today we'll talk and he'll forgotten yesterday hijinxs. And tonight he'll come over and it'll be okay. Though, guess who contacted me? Remember me saying fireman said he sent a Vday card? I finally got it. It said in it: THANK YOU!! Every time I see you, you continually surprize me. I value our friendship and like what we have. It was something like that - not word for word. I felt odd reading it. I feel sort guilty, but he knows I have a boyfriend. HE KNOWS how I feel towards boyfriend. So I emailed a thank you for his card and quickly hid it away. Later that night, he called and said he wanted to just say hi. And asked if I threw out the card. I said ... no....I kept it.... He asked why. I didn't know why. I said because I kept all my cards. He was sort of "down" because he asked about seeing me when he gets back and I said I didn't know, and wasn't sure...very passive. He said something in the manner of ... why not me? I said ... hmm who to choose? A man who loves me or a man who only comes home every 6 months? He said, "who said I didn't love you?" Me: um.... no....I mean, you know what I mean. I was half heartedly stunned and felt like saying, don't have hope for me. Even if I was single again, I'd never date him. So it's upsetting to say the least when you have this guy who has HOPE for you and him to work. When I say I think I love my boyfriend, that I think I'll marry him. He still has hope. I guess you can't knock him for that. Still I feel a twinge of guilt concerning him, but I also feel that I TELL him enough times my feelings for WG and the no future for me and him. We have always been just sex, nothing else. We began "dating" with a night of fucking. You just can't make a relationship out of that, it works backwards then, and that just doesn't work. Still, I'm faithful. And still have no desire to cheat on my boyfriend. I think just the thought of getting caught - and us ending - is enough for me not the cheat. Though I'm sure WG would never find out, my conscience would know and it'd tear me up. Anyway, I do have pms this week. Not sure why it's so bad this time around but like I said symptoms are here, even obsessing about gyn appt. in June. Like it's around the corner. Though I know I am going to go early in June - ala June 1st and get it over with. I'm nervous, but at the same time ... am going to buy some herbal meds so I calm down. Thinking I will call off the full day because of how tramatic it is. I found it on some herbal website - though I'm going to look in Walgreens for something. Regardless, I know the whole procedure downstairs with the spect/finger thing takes maybe 5 minutes total. I figure 5 mins is long enough. Ugh, I'm also breaking out again, in small doses on my body. I'm wondering if going back to the gym has flared up my skin - ala rubbing on certain areas. My face is clear, but sometimes near my bra area I'll get a lil something. Not to bad - but still annoying. My goal I think now is to lose weight entirely. Not even that, but tone up. Something. Ugh. I wish these pms symptoms would cease. I still feel slightly paranoid today - feeling WG is going to be pissed from yesterday. But my defense is he doesn't know my job nor know what I go through on a daily basis. I ought to not talk about this with him in fear of ripping off his fucking head. *AHem* Okay chill. I'm making chicken with rice for dinner. Will make up some veggies for the side. A sort of healthy dinner for us. I don't know if I'll get any play tonight, not expecting it. I barely made my bed even. Usually I'll make it perfect if I think I might get some play, but with WG I ... ugh ... just have been let down a few to many times. This week, I'm not as horny as I have been in the past. Not sure what is going on. I think I've put to much into it lately and tired of getting nothing. It's hard when you want to mess around and he's sick or I'm sick. Still I don't feel exactly like asking tonight if he wants to adjourn to my bedroom or the uncomfortable, awkward couch where I can't get comfortable with him on, and then he'll get all upset cause I'll stop and move. SO it's a turn off. Yes. PMS is here and I'm trying to shake it, but I have the anger porition, uneventual talk and blame to WG. But if he pushes my buttons tonight, can he share the blame? Okay I will keep myself in check. I think I need to start this because since Monday I think I've gotten in a few fights for no reason at work. It was funny, we talked so lovely yesterday on the phone, me and WG ... so cute and loving and relationship-y. Then raging Jen comes out to play and suddenly the skies turn dark. I can't seem to get out of the rain right now. 9:09 a.m. - 2006-02-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||