sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- come back My horoscope says the 14th I'll have all my planets in line for excellent things to happen. Like the planets aline so I can get a new job or my boyfriend call tell me that he loves me. I did apply for a new job where I work - they opened up a position - and though I doubt I'll get it, I'm assuming that ... someone here will, then I can move into their job or whoever takes the job. It's like a chain of events when someone moves their job here. I have very little hope or "positiveness" with this whole job thing. I've been bent over and fucked way to many times. So hope is low, why even get excited when I'll end up getting kicked in the balls yet again. Feeling like shit cause I had hope in the first place. Like right now I'm hoping my bridesmaid dress fits me correctly - it's the last fitting on Saturday. So my fat ass has to squeeze into a girdle that's supposed to make me look smooth - smooth out the rolls - into my blue, cornflower encasing - dress. My shoes - my 2.5 inch heels of hell - haven't gotten any more comfy than the first time I put them on. Stupid me getting a thin heel, fat girls can't wear thin heels. I'm like a fat girl trying to carry a tiny purse. Just doesn't work. So I'm walking better in them, and my ankle hasn't given a lot of fuss yet with it. I'm getting a pair of slippers to wear after it. Feeling very just ... nervous about having to make a toast. It's just annoying and I'm annoyed I have to do it. Then realizing all the money I've spent on this. I just feel pissed. I bought her shit from crate and barrel for the shower - $40, then a lotion set for bachelorette party - $38 and getting her wedding present - a fabric collage I made - framed --- $150. My dress and shoes combined ... $360. Other things ... paper, ink, etc. etc. I don't even know. All I know is my bank account is dead and I'm worried about this. Not knowing how I'm going to pay for anything, yet knowing my parents will help me out. I feel like crying. Feeling like maybe if I prayed and wished hard enough I could get a new job here. Something. A raise to 28,000 a year would make me happier, 30,000 I'd be happy as a fucking clam. Still, I ought to also think of the bad karma I have from my past stupidity. It's bound to bite me in the ass at sometime. Then again, could I not believe in it and feel that nothing will happen? No. I believe what goes around, comes around. Everyone pays their dues. My period is bad again, it goes up and down and then fools me. Maybe this is payment for my stupidity before. Thinking I could be prego - but now certain I'm not. Yet knowing me and WG will have condomless sex, will I forever be thinking that I could be prego? I'm crankalishious today as well. Just pissed off. Feeling like in my job I'm taken for granted and shit on and not listened to. I foresaw a problem with a new thing in the paper - I know tomorrow shit will hit the fan - and me, I notified the person of it, even my boss and they just sort of poo-pooed it. Which is why tomorrow if it should go down, I will gloat like a mo-fo and say, you know what, I TOLD YOU ALL ABOUT THIS YESTERDAY. I'm hitting the gym tonight . At work they changed our reimbursement thing - that you must go 12 times a month to get a full reimbursement. That's fucking shit. I could barely make 8 before. Now ... 4 more times .... I see myself as doubling up on days. Just to be safe. I just feel so ... I don't know right now in my life. Praying for better times, have I paid my own dues at work enough to be considered a move? Or am I stuck? I told my mom, if they don't do anything and skim over me again, then there is no reason to stay here. If I can't move around, then what the fuck am I wasting my time for? I just feel upset right now. Work has been so hard this week. So busy. And me with these migraines - everyday this week - never had headaches this bad in my whole life. Right now I feel like I could cry. Hormones are haywire. My darling WG was worried about me. And when I told him about pooks wanting me to drive to get him a 10 pm in Chicago at the airport, WG said, you're not going. Part of me likes how he'll be so .... strict like that .... telling me no as if he owns me. Part of me hates it and hates feeling as if he owns me. But in feeling owned there, is a feeling of want, need and the like. He cares enough to say it. Yet in feeling owned, is a feeling being trapped or crowded. I thought of this the other day while I was in the bathroom sick as a dog and relishing living alone so I could suffer alone. How can I ever live with someone. When I love this alone time so much? All the time I want to shave legs and pluck eyebrows and take 10 minutes to put on make up ... all the time I need without someone up my ass wanting to get in there or asking me why I did this. Why did you break this dish, why didn't you do this. That. You spend to much money, etc. etc. etc. I guess I need my own space right now ... Not that WG is smothering me ... but I figured if I spent a lot more time with him ... I would feel that way. Still, the wedding, is in about three weeks now. I cannot believe this. I remember when it was like 6 months away. Like a long time ago. Now, I have such a short amount of time to get things done, I'm starting to stress ... badly. Am beginning my diet Monday. Figure that okay well should lose something in 3 weeks. My headache - etc. - is turning into a mild depression. My mom said I was bad yesterday with being cranky and today I'm weepy and just feeling sad and tired of everything in my life. Mostly I'm tired of worrying about bills. It's just so very very bad right now. I wish I could call off my hair appt. on the 21st. It's just so expensive to me right now. I'm already basing in ... my bills ... I'll get $518 .... -$110 cable, -$30 visa, -$20 phone, -50 cell phone, -$40 heat. $250 left to live on ... minus food, gas. $150. There is no way. I'm going to cancel my appointment - since I am trying to grow out my hair and it's only been about 2 months since I was there? Right now, I just can't. I also probably am not going to get that "spray tan" thing - unless there is a sale - my sister said there will be one Saturday - it's $30 just for a spray. I'm thinking, no way right now. Other thing I must get is nails. But that's my ONLY guilty pleasure. I only go once a month (every 3 weeks) to get them done. So okay. Yeah. My L-Word will end in April - I'm sure. I think there are 13 episodes and we're on episode ...9? Or 10? A month left ... so then I'll dump Showtime and save $16 a month. Ugh. I'm trying to think of other ways to cut corners. Right now, cable is the only way to go. If it comes down to it, I'll cut out DSL too and save $40 a month. Right now, I'm all about saving. It's a sad thing to have to do, but something knocked me out of the water? What was it??? Seriously. What did I buy that was so expensive that ate my bank account alive? Cost of living? This is one of those times I pray my parents would send me money ... though they funded me greatly for my sisters shower ... right now, I'm struggling in a way, where I wish they'd send something, yet happy they aren't so I can see how hard times really are. Sacrifice, I'm learning this now. And what is sad is this isn't really bad sacrifice, not what others have .... And thank god for my tax returns. That money, is so badly needed right now .... I'm just really sad about this ... I know I'll be okay if I live frugal for a while, but maybe this is my bad karma coming back since all my life I've been given everything, never worried about money. Now I am. Maybe this is my lesson, living without something you had before. How hard it is. I see the lesson. Oh good times, please, come back. 2:37 p.m. - 2006-03-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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