sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- nearly all better I had a nightmare last night. It was horrible, I woke up feeling as if my heart would explode. I felt like a child, I wanted to call out to someone to come comfort me, but no one was there. Sometimes living alone, doesn't have it's advantages. It was about my sister, in an odd dream where it was jokey at first, me trying to let her in my car to drive and not finding the button to open the door - a bear coming up behind her ... she gets in finally after I reach over and undo the door. The window is down nearly half way, and the bear at first sticks it's head in, she bats at it and I know that was wrong to do. As then it attacks and it's eyes, these strange brown eyes are suddenly on me and my sisters head is in it's mouth. I know in a moment the jaws will shut. I'm screaming to turn on the car, drive and know she can't and in my dream, I'm ... unable to move, do anything. I think I'm pregneat in the dream, the seat belt holds me in tight and I'm waiting for the blood spray. I wake up then. This dream - was connected with another dream - one I've had before. Where I'm at a deserted pool and jumping in means you're sucked under it into a different room. This time, I jump in --- before I didn't. In the room it's freezing cold and no room as you have to dig yourself out of this snow material, there is so much, that you know you can't do it. My dream ends as I start digging knowing that there is no way. Not sure what triggered my dreams, but so vivid they were and I was so afraid when I woke up, I wanted to call WG to come over. But knew that wasn't a good idea. I looked at my phone for a while, contemplating, feeling afraid to even move, I drifted off to sleep again. ********* It seems like this is the worst week I've had in recent history. Yesterday I learned they promoted that art director - who won't hire me - onto our office. The only two people who were willing to hire me, now have him as a "boss" or overseer. Something. I don't know, but usually the art director hirers. This, news, was my death warrant. It was terminal news. I read it and my brain went haywire. I called my WG at work and talked to him about it. He said to call his cell phone 5 mins later so he could go outside. It felt like break up ... you know when someone wants to talk to you in private? It felt like this, but I knew it was because the guy was sitting close to him at work and that he couldn't talk. So I called him and he was upset for me. And told me to calm down about it. I was upset 100% and he was upset that I was upset and upset about the news too and etc. We both said we needed new jobs. He said he can't just go get a new job - as what if it didn't work out ... he has a house payment. He said he told himself that next time he got married that he would do this - knowing his wife could pay the bills in case of troubles. I told him, honey if I did get in trouble, you know I'd be there. He laughed and said quietly, "I hope so." Regardless, I said in a tearful voice that I'm going to start looking for a new job and that I feel like I've wasted my time here. He told me not to jump the gun. As did my parents, who think it'll "work out" ... but to me, I already know. I told him, my parents to stop telling me to "calm down" and that it'll be "okay" because they aren't the ones in a job they are bored with, nothing creative and they aren't the ones barely making rent each month knowing they can make more. Sacrificing because for so long I THOUGHT I could move around in this company, now I hear the man who won't give me a chance has been hired on to this office. All this time wasted. All these dreams gone. And mostly, I'm so so tired of fighting That's all I've ever done here, fight. Now everyone tells me I should sit, wait and if he hires outside the office for the position I want, to fight yet again, but this time make it a gigantic fight. Which I would - involving, hr, the publisher and anyone else who'll join in the band I'm gonna form. But I teared up talking to my mom. I told myself not to cry. And hung up with her just feeling so very depressed about my job - depressed like when I went before for therapy. I reasoned with going back for some more cause for the past week this depression has been growing inside me again. Maybe I'm hiding it well. But I feel I'm about to break down from it. I'll be okay and just need this weekend to relax and re-energize. Especially with the hard period I had. I guess I just needed to vent. Tonight I see my darling WG and I'm going to try not to talk about work to much. Just have a good time. While talking to him yesterday - he emailed my ex telling him he couldn't go to games night for another month in a row. Ex wouldn't talk to him. My WG told him some lie .. about having to go with me somewhere for something. I asked why he just didn't tell the truth. And he said well he lies. But I said, but you don't and two wrongs don't make a right, etc. etc. It slightly bothers me that he couldn't just say, well I won't see Jen next weekend, so I'm going to see her tomorrow. Or whatever. He has his reasons for lying, I'll just leave it at that. I told him you know my ex thinks that he's the center of your life, not me, never me. But in a way, I can see why. Since my ex knew WG -- he's been single. Or went through the divorce, etc. and they had each other .. etc. And now WG has me and now rebuilding life and now happy and now ... You'd think Ex would be happy for him, but I think it's different since it's me. If I was anyone else, I'm sure that ex would be all over having WG's girlfriend out to dinner and all that bullshit. Still. I'm trying to forgive my ex for being an ass to me, but it's hard. When you've chosen a role for yourself, the bitter ex-girlfriend, it's hard to learn a new role. I'm trying to better myself, I know I have slip ups, and pray God understands. I don't know why I was the way I was before and still question some of things I do now. There are no answers I find, but just forgetting, getting over it and moving on. Sometimes I look at the conventions of marriage. The stereotypical housewife. And it's hard to imagine myself like this, cooking, cleaning for a man. Honey, get me a beer. Or honey let's have roast beef for dinner this week. The feminist in me says, get it yourself, make it yourself, clean up after yourself. Maybe I'm not cut out for such a life, but with WG it feels so right, so strong, and when I find myself setting the table for dinner, washing dishes, I half-way don't mind. My mom says that you'll want to do these things for your "man" ... but in a way, I've always been unconventional. I don't know anymore. There are these things I see and they scare me, when I should just go with the flow. Let the chips fall as they may. I need to relax. I thought this morning in the shower, about work and how shitty it is. I thought of that Chuck P. quote from his book, when you've lost everything, you're free to do anything. In a way, in the mood I've been in, this free to do anything ... hm. I'm contemplating writing again, something to take my mind off of things. Also thinking of rug hooking again - keep these hands busy. Right now, busy is what I need to do. These lay times, where it's me and my mind, it's not a good thing. How I fought tears yesterday. I'm trying not to cry anymore. Not to sob because the snob in me knows tomorrow how puffy my eyes will be and that everyone will know. Maybe WG is right, I'm the master of hiding away and secrets. Like that's a bad thing. He always feels that I am hiding things from him. Though I'm really not, only things that'll hurt him, everything else is free reign. Maybe he's right to feel this way. Still, I'm just happy with him right now. He cares, and sometimes to know that one person in this world, non-family, cares about you as if you were family, it makes it nearly all better. 9:49 a.m. - 2006-03-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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