sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- to hurt. My body is pissed off at me. I have strep throat. I'm thinking. All day today, my throat has been raw, lymph nodes are huge - causing ears to hurt. Feeling like shit. I'm crying right now, cause I'm sure I gave my WG strep throat. He spent the night Friday, Saturday - both nights we made out a lil heavy. Today he kissed me here and there. Me, knowing ... that I probably gave it to him and him telling me he can't afford to get sick.... Nor can I. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow, a doctor who I don't know because my doctor left. So weigh me, and put me up for a fucking strep test. A strep test involves a large nurse sticking a long swab in the back of my throat. Which makes me gag and cough. The nurse laughs, "oh honey sorry." She's thinking that I must'nt be a swallower. I think she takes joy in this gagging of me. She says, "I didn't get enough" and goes back in for another gag and cough from me. I swear she likes it. So tomorrow I'll get a cotton swab shot in my throat and probably a doctor telling me I'm to fat. Regardless I'm saying, give me cheap treatment, no crazy tests, and some good meds. Of course. This comes on the curtails - that - Friday WG and I were going to take our relationship "A step further." Meaning - possible sex - and him saying he was planning on going "down town" on me. Eep. I had my period a long time and Saturday night it still was there. Friday night, he said something so hurtful I cried into my pillow. We kissed - deeply and I asked why he didn't touch my boobs when we kissed. He didn't say why. I asked again later and he said, well because your boobs are small and it's hard to get my hand there. I brushed his hand off of me. I said, that is bullshit. He then puts his hand on my boob and starts rubbing. I slapped it off of me and said don't touch me. I didn't talk anymore and moments later he said, "what are you doing?" I said, trying to sleep. I went to sleep then, but cried into my pillow a little bit. I woke up, still mildly upset. Things just felt different. He was leaving and hugged me and said, "Jen...last night ... I'm sorry. I was a complete asshole. I didn't mean it like that." I don't remember what I said, but I started to tear up and hugged him tighter wondering how I could hide tears from him. He left - to go home and come back later in the day. He left, and I cried and cried and told myself how can someone who cares for me so much, say something so hurtful? He'd hurt me. I told him from the beginning, never say anything about my body. He knew I was sensitive about my breast size. I kept thinking, how he could supposedly be so in "like" with me, that he said something, no past man ever dreamed of saying. Blaming me, for him not touching me. I showered, crying and livid and upset and thinking so many things. I asked my sister about it and she said, you know he didn't mean it like that, he likes you and ... everyone says stupid things by accident. I realized I could dwell on it and not talk to him, or I could forgive and let it go. I also felt like I didn't want to see him or him even TOUCH me on Saturday. I fought that notion, and tried to let it go. I saw him when I came home and he was looking shit faced - knowing he was in the dog house. He knew he'd hurt me and suddenly wanted to hug and touch me and kiss my lips and cheeks, to smooth it over. The hurt was done and I was being sour still with him, trying to forgive yet still upset. We drove out to the mall and we talked about it. I told him how I felt and he said he's been upset since Friday night. He said he didn't sleep Friday to well - though I did. He said when he left, he kicked his car cause he knew he's fucked up. He said he kept thinking I would think he's like all the other boys. He tries to say he's "not like them." I think, knowing he got upset and apologized was enough for me. But still knowing, that you hurt someone - especially me -- the girlfriend. I'm sure he ... was upset. But I was upset too because it was a low blow - and I told him while driving home ... that I couldn't understand why when I'd always said never to say anything about my body, did he? Still. It hurt and I've nearly gotten over it. All the hugs and kisses, couldn't cover up how I felt. Not to mention how shitty I felt as I was getting this strep throat. Ending my period, stress, etc. I went to bed early Sat. night - well took a nap. Should've known I was getting sick, never get that tired. Told WG to just chill in the living room as I went to lay down -- 11:30 and didn't wake up until 1:00. I dragged him to bed and we made out a lil. At first I didn't feel right about it. I kissed him and he touched my boob a lil bit and I tried to act like it didn't bother me anymore. I was okay and we both fell asleep, both said next Friday we'd step it up. He said it was time we did. He wants to step this up now. We decided to use condoms sometimes, other times, to not. Though Friday, if I'm up to messing around - we will use one - if we do decide to. It's still odd to think, with him, I could get pregnant. It's a weirod feeling - still - eh .... Still uneasy feeling about him going down on me. Don't like thighs and feel odd about my crotch - and his face in it. Those SOUNDS, I know I ought to relax. He loves to go down. I'll try it, though not sure ... if Friday is the day. lol It's every fucking guys right of passage to go down on a girl. Like, it's so they feel like a MAN. Though making someone get off, is fun in it's own way. HM. I said when we go to Michigan, we're going to stay in Traverse a night. I said it'd be my treat - because I need some treats .... We both laughed and he wrapped his arm around me. I think that flatters him in some form. His idea was we could go on some picnic and mess around. I was like ... where? ;) I said, well we'll steal some moments away I'm sure. Ha. I think he almost said he loved me. I said something like, God I love when you do that. He started to talk and stopped and said, whoa I almost said something. We both were quiet. I think we both knew. We also got his outfit for the wedding. I picked out a nice tie, pants and he found the shirt. I felt bad as the pants cost $50 - and I didn't realize this. I said, well if we find other pants, we can return these. I felt really....eh about it. He said it was okay and that ... now he had dress pants and that I shouldn't worry...etc. He said he should probably buy a new outfit with every check. I said no...that for every holiday I was going to help rebuild his wardrobe. I'm still upset about my lack of money. It's gotten bad again - gassed up my car for $28 bucks. Spent $25 at target - had clearance and got drapes for my bedroom - YES $6 for curtains and $6 for rod. The rod wasn't long enough, so I have a ghetto looking curtain. I said I didn't care, it did the job. I get paid Thursday. Then I have some major bills to pay. Then have to live poor still. I'm so tired of living poor. So fucking tired. I'll survive, and am counting days when my L-Word ends - April? And then get rid of ShowTime, unless next episode sucks dick - which the last few have. Ugh. Anyway. I feel like shit still, feeling unable to sleep. Feeling like I'm sorta hungry, but scared to swallow cause I know it's going to hurt. 10:01 p.m. - 2006-03-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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