sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- let it go. Man, I'm still suffering from the effects of the wedding. It's Monday and my back hurts, my head hurts and the top of my legs hurt. I think this all due to a pair of pretty 2.5 inch heels (thin heels not block) that killed my feet. My dad noticed I kept shifting my weight on them. The photographer said, girl I know your feet hurt. I will post pictures as soon as I get them. I took a great pic with Pooks and one with my darling WG. Pooks is coming over tonight and will give me pics he took at the wedding. I still am upset, slightly, by WG. Also note I'm having PMS and my time is acting up - cramps, etc. So prior I was told I would meet WG's parents on Saturday. So we were talking about it, and suddenly Saturday is also "games night" with my ex. And my WG says, well we can meet my parents on Friday then. I say, WHAT so you're changing the schedule for fucking GAMES NIGHT. I'm so happy you can change the schedule for him. So he's like, no I'll tell him that you're going to meet my parents and not go. He says, oh this will be ending soon anyway once he gets married. At this point. I blew up. I looked at him and said, do you really think that once he gets married this will end? He fucking masterbates to games night!! Do you REALLY think that he'll stop this once he's married, cause hell who KNOWS IF HE'S EVEN GETTING MARRIED. WG says, well when he's married he'll spend more time with his wife. I shot back, he doesn't spend time with her NOW, what makes you think once he's married that he will? So Wg says that's true ... and I say this shit will never end, I don't give a fuck what you do. Go to games night, I don't care. So he's like no no I'll tell him I can't go. AND goes by me and tries to hug me. So I say, well WHY NOT cause next week you WILL have to go, or the week after. SO GO. I don't care what you do. I was livid and WG is saying that ex's going to quit games night cause he wants to start up a new hobby - paintball. I said whatever .. and he came over and kept hugging me and trying to kiss me and I'm just pisssssssed. He said before that if he went to games night with anyone else, would I care? I didn't answer, but this is gay, I mean really. Get a life. I mean start up paint ball - that's what the ex wants to do --- I said, well ... then you'll be practicing two times a month on Saturday ... and then games night is the third ... so I'll see him once a month. I told him if that happens I'll break up. Rar. I just am mad, I'm so tired of changing my plans for that ass. I know it was PMS and tiredness/stress talking, but at that point, I'm so fed up with it. It's like, you know that I HATE that you go over there. I told him, you know my ex LIVES with his girlfriend and so does the other guy, I said, you know that ... I ONLY see you on weekends. So I just realized that he wants to see me Thursday. So does that mean that he's going to GO to games night on Saturday? Appease me by seeing me Thursday and Friday --- so Saturday he can go THERE? What an asshole, if he did that, I'm going to blow up again. That's bull shit. Changing plans for HIM. Don't want to piss HIM off. I need to chill out, I just feel crazy about that. I still hate my ex and wish he would just go the fuck AWAY. And yes, if it was anybody else I wouldn't care, because my ex is an ASSHOLE and his other friends are better and nicer. I wouldn't mind, but not with that fuck. But the I say if I was going out with your ex, wouldn't you have issues? I just feel pissed off about the whole thing. I mean I know I don't OWN him, but don't make plans to do something, then suddenly you can't go cause of some stupid ass games night ... I mean WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT TO YOU? I still feel crazy. I can't help it. I ordered him new jeans last night from Old Navy and a tee-shirt. Right now I'm regretting this because of his stupidity. I told my mom and she said men don't think like us. And that when he was trying to hug and kiss me he was trying to comfort me. I said NO he was trying to smooth it over. But I did let him hug and kiss me and then we talked about our trip to Illinois and I wanted to say now isn't the time to talk about it, cause now I just want to push you off my balcony. But I was like whatevery and said we could go in ... October, but we'd talk about it later...etc. We seem to make out more often now. In the light. That morning we layed in bed and made out for ... the longest time. It was odd cause we just kept on going. And in the LIGHT we never kiss in the light, but seem to now. Now it's a hi - small kiss, then another small kiss, pause, then rarrrr tongue. Still it was my favorite when we went upstairs at the wedding into that small dark room and made out. It was just hot. He thinks we're on the verge of having sex. Though from Sunday's conversation I don't want him to even touch me still, but I'll chill out and see how things play out. My mom said when I left to drive home the drunk brides maid - he looks worried and kept watching for me. And when I was eating dinner he kept watching me then too. So I know he cares and cares. I told fireman to stop calling and he said he would - and wanted to know if he should delete me from his Yahoo messanger. I didn't reply and clicked delete. Odd that fireman is gone, poof, out of my life. No more worries about June, etc. He's just ... gone. Mg still hangs around, but at least he never wanted a relationship from me. Fireman, always did, and that was uncomfortable. And the last straw was when he called and WG answered, he should've hung up. He should've just stayed away. What did he expect? Regardless, why do I feel a slight fear of getting rid of these past mistakes? I guess they were my "fall backs" ... those whom I could run to, to help lick my wounds if WG dumped me. Now I don't care, I don't want them, not even their touch, not their voices or the sweet lies they told me just to get me into bed. None of that. Kissing anyone but my WG doesn't do it now, maybe that's love or faithfulness? I just do not want anyone else, no one at all. Maybe it's our closeness, but maybe my mom said it best. He's like family now. He's already a part of our family. And to me, family - you don't mess around with, you dont' cheat or lie to. So maybe he's my family now and in that, I can't do anything to upset that, or ruin it, etc. Something changed in our dynamic. Not sure what. But whatever it is, it feels good and scary, but we're brave enough to continue on. No turning back? I don't know. The fact of now, that it's just simply a waiting game. Waiting on love and waiting for those words talking of marriage. Where we're headed, etc. etc. Right now, I'm just tired from the weekend and needing to relax and stop stressing this week. Let it go. Let it go. 9:53 a.m. - 2006-03-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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