sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- you. I have an issue. It's been eating at me all day. Since fireman called saying, you know I was close to calling back and telling your boyfriend about your past and then telling him how to fuck you like you like it. I keep thinking about it, what if he DID somehow get a hold of my boyfriend and tell him a bunch of shit and lies and whatever? I just IM'ed him and said that we needed to talk because if we are to be friends, then I don't want to worry about him saying stupid SHIT to my boyfriend - and I said if he thinks that it's "getting back" then maybe we shouldn't be friends because boyfriend means A LOT TO ME. I just really do not want to worry about some fucking freak somehow talking to my boyfriend. The only way he would KNOW is maybe ... calling my place ... or ... contacting where I work. However I know he doesn't remember boyfriends name (mentioned it ONCE by accident) ... and not sure if he remembers that he works with me. Regardless, my boyfriend (WG) is the world to me and this BULL SHIT isn't what I need to be worrying about. Though I know he could never get a hold of him .. as WG never answers my phone - only did that day because I told him to. Fireman said, "what you can't have GUY friends?" I said, not friends like YOU. We have a past. I said, I wouldn't like Wg if he had friends that were girls around his age ... seriously. I know he's faithful and he knows I'm faithful ... but still .... The road to hell is paved in good intentions .... It's frustrating. It's like a murder plot almost. Fireman getting so pissed at me that he kills me. They'd find this diary and read it and everyone would shake their heads at me, the mysterious fireman, just WHO is he? His name is Chris -- and he's a fireman in Iraq --- that's just in case I end up missing/dead! I don't think he'd ever do that..... Anyway ... my cousins invited me and WG to stay at their condo in Florida - on the beach -- in bonita springs. I'm trying to find out info on it because that would be great - a luxury condo - FREE for a week! We'd just have to pay for air fare and rental car and food. (To rent it a week is like $2,000?) I mean that's great isn't it?? My mom thinks we should go in November/December time. WG said July. I'm kinda like July? That's so hot there. I guess it's just a matter of saving up money to go -- air fare --- $200 - $250 depending. Rental car -- $150-$200?? I dunno I'd like to save up about $500 for the trip. Still, things are going great with me and WG, I love him. I do. And I don't want it to change or end .... and having this fucking FIREMAN is like the skeleton in my closet that won't seem to GO AWAY. I know he couldn't really DO anything, and if he did get a hold of boyfriend (don't know HOW) I would say it's all lies because he's fucking NUTS. I just don't want this mess in my perfectly packaged life. Ya know? And I don't know HOW to get rid of the problem called fireman ... and sad to say I CreATeD this problem, only person to blame is me. I know fireman wants a relationship with me and maybe he thinks if WG is out of the picture then he could make his move, but I will never go for him. So I will try to just LET THIS GO for now. Wait until he calls me again and explain, if this is how it's going to be, then I don't want to be friends or anything. I can't LIVE worrying about this .... I know Wg wouldn't believe him anyway - and I'm sure he'd tell lies up the wa-zoo. It's just embarassing I guess? If he wants to be "friends" okay, then call me, but don't ask for anything more. I know he's alone, I understand this, there he has no one, just phone calls. He calls me and his son. That's it. He wants a girlfriend bad, and I lead him on, I know I did. Now I'm trying to sever this, and he just keeps on coming back and back. Guilt makes me stay and say it's okay and say I'll be there. Friendship, isn't an option because we always end up fucking. I don't know why, we just seem to. Pity fucks from me and from him, a moment of love and hope or something? Not anymore, I can't. Not to WG, I won't do that to him. I'm to the point, I'm scared to NOT be his friend, for things he'll do. He's psycho like that ... and maybe that is what is so fucking scary.... I hate this, what did I do? I've been clean and dry and loving WG as I should. Forgot my past and look only to WG for my love and happiness. Now the past is there asking where old Jenny went and wanting her back. I just can't ... do it again. I won't, not now. Wg is my life and losing him, is like losing myself. I refuse to do that, I will fight to the end for this relationship. And I'll fight anyone who tries to mess with us. Maybe, this is love. Finally, it's real. Or tangible or I can see it? And I wonder if WG knows it, or has known it. At the wedding, while I was eating dinner at the head table, the brides maid next to me motioned to WG and said, "oh Jen, isn't that sweet, look how he watches over you." 2:36 p.m. - 2006-03-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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