sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I hope .... I can breathe easy now. For the time being. My alarm went off at 7:10, at 7:11 fireman called. We talked about what I had Im'ed him yesterday, I said I like what I have going with my boyfriend and I'm not letting anyone ruin it. He said he'd never do that to me. I said, but you said it, you thought it. He said he's never mess me up, and that's why he THOUGHT about doing it and didn't. He swore on his father's grave that he would never do that to me. I said fine. He made me promise to have dinner with him when he returns. I said...okay ... hestitantly. He said his son could go along as a "buffer." I said he didn't need to do that. I said maybe I could make him dinner. But then thought odd on that, because that's when I foresee myself getting into trouble. I thought about asking WG to come over just in case? But I don't want the two to meet up, but maybe say, "well he'll be here at 8, so you'll have to be gone." Right now, I feel a whole lot better about it. I know he needs a friend, but in a way, I think he wants more and though he hides it, when I talk about boyfriend he gets very uptight and snippy. I wish I wasn't like that, I wish my old self could just be thrown out, but she's still there, granted better, but I know myself that I'll always lay down for him ... for some reason, maybe I feel it's expected? Or that I enjoyed it so. And maybe that is what is so terrible about myself. That if I should have sex again with fireman, (note I told fireman this) that it would just be sex. Not for anything else. No, I won't do that --- don't even think about emailing me how stupid that would be. But the fact that I know I might, I probably could, is ... just annoying. But I was listening on the radio about men who stay faithful, even with all the temptation and simply they just either get away from it or "use the hand." I don't think it's the getting off part I enjoy, but pleasing someone else? I don't know. Either way, then June hits and fireman is in town, I ought to find myself busy and instead of dinner, have lunch - while I'm at work - so there is a time limit. Meet him at Chili's or something. That seems do-able, seems safe. Other than this, I really hate feeling as if I'm "cheating" or being "unfaithful" .... Ya know? I mean really ... simply talking to fireman, I just feels that way. I really don't like how I feel. I wish he wouldn't just taken my hint(s) and stayed away. I feel like either he really does want to be friends or feels like I'll fuck him again so he stays. And why not? I mean I put out for him every time I've ever seen him. Last time... lord we had sex ... 5 times... Sad thing is, I enjoyed it. I'm no ashamed that I did. I mean if I didn't maybe things would be different. Now when I think of him and me having sex again, I get a sick feeling in my stomach. I can't even think about anyone in me except for WG. Isn't it odd how things change? I went from fantasizing about fireman, cop and MG ... to now just basically WG. I guess I've changed a lot, and it's just others that haven't. I just do not want anything to mess up me and WG. Truly. Nothing. At least I entirely say NO to any advances from others, before with my ex, I would flirt and hint. Now, I don't even bother. Regardless. I looked up flights to Fort Myers -- and some didn't seem that expensive. I keep thinking about going and being in Florida a week or so. I think it would be lovely. Though I ought to check on my vacation days. I get 2 weeks, 3 personal days, 5 sick days and my b-day off. I think I've only used 4 vacation, 2 sick, 1 personal day up so far ... so that's pretty good. I don't know when we'll go. It's fun to think/talk about. I'll really have to save up for that trip. Actually SELL shit on ebay this time. Or ... I know, do some freelance graphic art --- I'm talkin' about contacting my friend who left this company and seeing. Anyway, tonight me and WG are going to the movies and I made him dinner. Last night I took the left over prime rib from my sisters wedding and cut it up with onions and made bbq. I also bought strawberrys and some shortcake and that's dessert. The side is a light cesar salad. Yum huh? I got some crusty buns from the bakery and some sharp cheddar too. mm. I hope it's better today, I forgot to add maple syrup to the bbq, so I put some on top and threw it in the fridge. I hope it all melded and I think today I'll take a lil taste. I'm trying to get back on diet. I feel bloated this week - though period has been tame. I feel better today than I have in the past four days. Not sure why? Maybe knowing that fireman isn't going to fuck me up. Maybe because I'm seeing WG today. Or maybe because my OLD GRAVY stuff shipped out yesterday!! :) I'm so frickin' happy about that. I mean it's in Ohio right now and has a "departure scan" ... meaning I'm thinking it should be on it's way to Indiana?? I'm praying I get it ... tomorrow? Friday??? Said four to seven days.... ugh!! I really need that sweater I ordered. Then I'm freaking cause I got a 3x and really I think I should've got a 2x. I always buy bigger and I really *shouldn't* because I can wear 2x and sometimes a 1x just fine. I guess it's just my mentality. So I'm watching UPS like a hawk. Anyway, my throat is hurting again, not sure why again. Hopefully it's just my period doing it. I really don't want to get sick again. Though this whole fireman thing has left a bad taste in my mouth. He did say, "Jen I know you're happy, why would I want to mess that up?" I dunno. I just know when I was single, it hurt to hear about others relationships ... so .... Okay back to work. And seeing WG tonight, and a movie and then back to my place. I can't wait. And then his parents this week. I'm trying to chill out about it, trying to visionize about it, etc. It's just so hard when I want to please them so much. And they want to please me so much. I think maybe we'll just like each other merely because we're both trying so hard to like one another? Does that make sense? I figure, I'm a sweet, friendly girl, their son adores me, and I do things for him all the time. So I think it'll be alright. I hope.... 8:43 a.m. - 2006-03-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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