sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- with him. It's odd when your relationship takes a very quick and much needed turn. This morning I didn't bother to cover two hicky's on my neck, which I dislike entirely - though sort of laugh at because I'm the least likely girl to have them - I didn't bother to crack open my scar covering make up. The one on the side of my neck has faded almost completely. Just a ghost of last weekend. Something that says it really happend. The other one, right in the middle of my throat looks sort of like a rash, or a scratch. It's light. Not noticeable unless you're really looking for them. Unless you're really looking at me, closely. But who does that? Regardless, WG called yesterday and told me his mom really liked me. Liked my honesty when she asked a question on the bible and I said I didn't go to church and didn't know much about it. His sister said I was "quiet" ... though she barely spoke a complete sentence throughout. The father felt bad he didn't really talk to me. His mom was impressed I brought her flowers - 20 white tulips - that I got at the florist. She told WG that his ex never did that and that I'm nothing like her. I said, don't compare me. Though, I've compared him to my ex, my parents have only said once - a comparison of him and my ex .... I dislike that, I told WG, I'm not her. And after asking him about her, he said he hates to talk about her and doesn't want to anymore. I felt bad, and stopped asking about her. Still I did a bit to much pressure this past weekend with marriage and engagement. Not sure WHY I'm pushing for this suddenly? I miss the L-Word and unsure why he hasn't said it, when we both obviously feel it. My guy friend said it's probably because his ex fucked him over and he's scared. I dont' think that's it. Not sure what. All I know is I'm tired of the "I like you a lot Jen .... I REALLY like you a lot...." I let out a laugh and say, I like you A LOT too. It's stupid, I know. But my sister said I can't come out and say, "why can't you say you love me?" Cause then that's pressure to say it and then I'd never know if he's meant to say it or just saying it to appease me. So I'm just going to let it lay low. Though it's hard to be with a man who tells you in one breath how he wants to marry you, for you to have his children, to grow old together, but not able to tell me that he loves me. Regardless, things come in time. We both realized we've been dating 7 months now. Before I counted directly from our first date, but now we just go by the month. We started dating in October. Lord, to think, I am past ... my ex in length in dating. IN fact this Friday is when, last year, I broke up with my ex. Not sure why I remember that date, April 7th ... that's the day. I'm going to celebrate the occassion by hopefully making love again with WG. Though, this weekend I'm thinking of condom useage as it's my ovalation time -- I've been using a fertility calculator so that I know when we should probably use condoms. However I'm not sure ... it's odd cause when it comes to sex, I easily will say, no condom. Especially as he goes limp if he doesn't get in fast enough. And condoms ... ugh ... are expensive. It's just odd, I mean with birth control they say it's 98% safe, but then you hear all this shit. And there I am thinking now, is the time, that an accident ... could happen. This weekend of egg droppin' is just the easiest time to have an "accident." It's funny as I wonder ... what about this past weekend or the weekend after? I mean are women only given a few days a month to get knocked up? If that's true, couldn't someone just count their days and use that method? I read that some do. Still, it's an odd subject. It's like high school thinking, like thinking I'm never going to die. It's like thinking, I'm never going to get prego ... just like riding in a car thinking if you wear your seatbelt you're safe. Nothing is fail proof. So I guess it's risk. And consequence. WG said if I got knocked up, he'd move me in. I felt scared and felt just odd when he said it. There are times where I'm feeling like lord I would love to have his kids. But not before marriage. No. Oh I dunno I'm thinking to much again. This weekend I'm unsure what we're doing. Undoubtedly sex again. And we showered together and nearly did it in there too. It's odd to go from nothing, to a heavy make out session to now unable to keep our hands off each other. If we're not holding hands or touching, then it just doesn't feel right. I just love when he whispers ... Jen you don't know what you do to me. Or the way he breathes or gets excited when we mess around. He says I'm the best he's been with ... though is that just talk since he hasn't been with anyone in 2+ years? I did feel bad for him at first with sex. Then the second night I was completely annoyed. I tried to be understanding, but truthfully to get him back to being hard, I had to blow him. Not that I don't like blowing. But not ... every time he goes limp. I mean seriously.... I've never given so many blows as I did in the past week. Though I know what he likes, entirely enough to do it quick. But still ... I was very annoyed that a 5 minute blow, only lasted him being hard for like 3 minutes. I know frustration ... probably made him go limp quicker. I don't hold it against him and I told him we had forever to do this, to tweak it, to learn how to do it and soon we'll have it down pat. That calmed him down and then, that's when we got it right. Though, I didn't particulary enjoy it as I was unsure if he was even IN me ... then I knew, and by then, minutes later he was coming. Still it's odd to lay there and see my WG on me ... in me. Ya know? I mean ... it's like I've WAITED for this point. And ... there he is thrusting. And I'm laying there unable to enjoy because I'm not sure if he's in until he thrusts hard. Uhhh...... I dunno I'm not complaining. I mean I'm happy it was completed cause afterwards he was happy as hell that he did it ... full fruitation fucking. He couldn't sleep this past weekend, as he had a lil cough and took some dayquil --- etc. So he was awake and laughed cause I was the tired one for once. He said before I fell asleep I said "hold me" .... though I do not remember saying that. He said he lay there, looking at me sleep, which creeped me out and he went to reach for me and he fell asleep too ... ha. Other things ... I quit that diet program I was on. I just am not committed right now. I thought about lying and stuff, but I didn't and said I would return probably one day, but right now I'm not giving my 100% and it's unfair to waste my time and theirs. I said I was a loner and just really ... didn't need to answer to someone about my weight loss. The woman was good about it and supportive, etc. Also this saves me $40 a month. I figured, at least I could pay off my credit card. I have $900 on it ... granted that's below $1,000.... Still I feel uncomfortable with that much on it. I'm going to pay it off slowly. Think $50 a month, maybe $100? My savings has dwindled - but that's because I put $450 on my visa to get it down to $900. I get paid on Thursday and I'm thinking ... okay at least I paid a lot of my bills this month already. And for the next few months, my rent is due when I'm getting my second pay check --- so I won't be short all the time. May I get rid of my high cable bill and hopefully my energy bill will be down with the higher temps. Then my b-day - ala - asking for money from my parents. Want to pay off visa still ... have a better savings ... eventually buy a new couch. Though hoping WG asks me to move in, though I'd miss my freedom, at least ... my money would be going towards something ... ya know? Though I wonder how much I'd pay or if we'd share an account ... etc. etc.? Maybe that's to soon, upcoming features in my relationship. All I know is I miss seeing him a lot anymore. Though I spend Monday with him, it's Wednesday and I know it's a day away before Friday, Saturday and Sunday with him. 8:49 a.m. - 2006-04-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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