sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- things change Let me say it's really a bitch living on a shoe string,ala' check to check. And it's Thursday and you usually get your money deposited (though you're not really "paid" until Friday) ... oh yeah and it's not YET deposited. And you have to go grocery shopping and gas up your car and ... other things. You have $160 in savings, $17 in checking. Hm. It sucks, let me say again, living pay check to pay check. And at work, I'm looking around thinking all these people make more than me and I'm feeling pissy. I'm just a crank today. I did not sleep well at all last night, was up from 2:30 to 5:30 ... laying there thinking why can't I fucking sleep? I had a can of coke yesterday, maybe that was it? I'm just upset today about this whole no monay thing. It's really annoying when I put all my bills together and see that I just can't save money and only depend on money for my birthday, Christmas or tax refunds to "get ahead." Times like this, I wish I could move in with WG. Just feeling that safety net, would be nice. But that's for the WRONG reasons ... you know for moving in?? Though I know if I did get into trouble, I could go to my parents. Though ... I have a credit card that I could toss things on if need be. UGH. I try not to think about my money issues cause it upsets me a lot. It'll be OKAY ... I keep telling myself that. Though anymore, I know ... my situation hasn't changed one bit. And I know this is how a lot of people live and have it far worse than me .... Sometimes it's just easier to see how many people have it better than you, that you forget about the things you DO have. I'll just try to be smarter and cut corners where I can, etc. Sooner or later I'll get ahead again. I did enter a raffle for a house, the tickets were expensive, but there are 86 cash prizes and my sister won 2 yrs ago. I pray I win something in it ... if not ... then I guess I'm just a good samaritan giving to a good cause. Though my own cause, is something good, that I wish others would give to. :) Oh well ... I talked to WG a lil yesterday. We both were invited to a surprise party for a friend of mine. And I'd like to go, however it's the night of this other party I said I would go to. I know, what a busy gal I am. Regardless, he couldn't sleep at all last time he was over. And he went on the couch for a bit, that worried me as I used to do that to my ex, but it was because I was upset and just wanting to get away from him. And I hoped WG wasn't thinking that way too. Though I know it's something when you can't sleep and the other person is sleeping ... and it's like.... you get .... pissy? Still I woke up when he came back to bed, not sure how long he was out there. He did keep waking me up though, but I was so tired I just fell back asleep. He did come in though and I asked if he was okay and he seemed upset that he couldn't sleep well. Then, he started smooching me ... and we made out briefly and then layed together and he finally fell asleep and so did I. It was odd though cause I woke up and fought to stay awake and kissing ... it was like ... odd thing to do, at like 4 a.m. But I know his drive has really revved up and maybe he has those cravings for messing around - like I did - when I first met my ex. I just wanted it ALL the time. This week, I'm just off again. Not really wanting it and just kind of blah. I keep wondering what I'd do if my bc failed and I thought about it last night and wanted to cry if that DID happen. It would just...suck. Shot gun wedding and all that shit. Regardless I'm making WG dinner Saturday. A whole she-bang of things ... thankfully I can freeze some of it, live off of it for a bit. I joked and said we could then take a nap "without expectations" which is code for sex. He think says "winK" and winks at me ... we're fruity, I know. Still he seemed excited about the aspects and seemingly sex is now a part of our weekends, though only last weekend it started. Today I'm NOT in the mood, I hope I change by tomorrow. I have noticed and am worried about - me not being able to finish with him. I get very close, but right now I think my body is fucked up. WG is right, I used to do "self love" and only in the front (never insert) ... so my body got USED to that way of finishing. WG goes inside and a lil outside. But my body is confused by it and gets so close to coming but then chickens out. Last night I did self love - the first time in about 2 weeks? It was even hard for me to finish. Because now it's kinda used to having fingers in me and a lil on top. So my body is like "make up your mind Jen." Ugh. We're still working on it and when I tell him I didn't finish I feel SO bad. I'm ready to say I did finish just to make him happy. Ya know? But I think his joy and excitment makes me happy. I mean I've never felt anyone really enjoy me before. I mean for REAL enjoy. Like I know he cares? And yeah. He tells me I'm the best kisser and best at everything. And yesterday telling me I'm the only one that he wants, blah blah blah. Sometimes it's just odd to think about ... me and Wg having sex and talking about marriage. It's scary, exciting and now I crave for him to tell me that he loves me. It's coming, I know it. But I know we've moved very fast recently and the l-word is the last hump. I think after that, then other things will move faster and marriage and shit. I do, enjoy him though. I thought as a lover he would suck, he started out kissing sooo bad. Now I love it. It's funny how things change. 9:48 a.m. - 2006-04-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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