sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- so. Man. I thought this was spring? I'm tired of being cold. Just like the end of summer where you get tired of being hot all the time, right now, I'm tired of getting goose bumps, pulling on my sweater at work, remembering that I forgot my coat at home. Well. WG "moved in" with me...finally. Such an odd thing to say. We talked about the whole thing and how my mom gets worried about the what if's .... I can understand. I told WG about it and he got upset saying, look Jen ... I'm here 4 days out of the week already, and we're doing fine ... if I had any inkling of troubles, I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't have asked you to move in. This conversation lead to moving into a different house, then what we'll do when we have kids. So scary to have KIDS. Because it's like ... I want to move out - and then want to work ... and with a baby, it's hard to do those things. I know I'll go to working part time ... but ... quitting? I can't .... not in this economy. Unless he gets a hell of a raise ... or a new job ... then I will just work part time. He wanted me to quit until the kid is in pre school ... I said ... even then ... I couldn't because what if we have a second child, then a third? So we said, OKAY no more talk of this, we don't know the future, and it's no point in getting all upset. He said, let's just get married first. We pulled up his carpet in his second bedroom yesterday. The wood underneath was in great condition and we're excited to pull up the carpet now in the hallway and living/dining. It's just very very hard to take out that bulky carpet, and then ... the worst ... is pulling up all the million nails and STAPLES where it held down this carpet. I mean that took us FOREVER to do. I mean it went fast, but your back and legs and ass from sitting on the hard floor ... is what did it. I also demanded he put up the screens in his windows - he has no screens and no open windows and me coughing at the dust from the carpet, I was getting pissy. Anyway, we .... attempted sex again. He did the same thing, goes limp within a few thrusts. Yet gets hard - contiually when I give a hand job/blow. I told him that we need to stop with the hand jobs and blows cause I think his body is used to that. And also I said your subconscious is doing this to you, worried about -- before coming in me and then hurting me, now stressing about staying hard, etc. etc. etc. So we tried one last time - just kissing passionately, and closely (got a lil rough, which kind of made me feel...eh....like he was getting out of control?) ... he got extremely hard and we ended up having sex ... however he goes sooo long because he's still messed up in the head about it .. that he did a lil orgasim ... and that was it. He said he didn't feel like he was done and sort of asked for a BJ ... I helped him out, but probably shouldn't have ... but ... still ... uh ... I dunno he's just got to chill out. I said he could do it. I KNOW he has it in him, it's just that crazy thought pattern that is fucking him up. I think we're going to try again tonight, and it's hard sometimes to be very understanding when you're ready and he's going limp. So I said, don't worry, and he's upset ... and last night felt as if I'd leave him if he didn't perform well. I told him he's more than that to me ... and I wouldn't leave him for anything. So we're still working on this "issue" he's building confidence again, I could see last night. It was really hard to kiss so passionate, I was tired from the day and ... he was so grabby and pulling me into him, it was hot but I think I shouldn't have tried again, I felt just so tired! That sucked!!! Regardless, I still came, but it took me a while to finish, I didn't think I would, but I did. And have the past few times with sex. It's just odd, to have somewhat of an "issue" with this when before he was fine? It has to be a mental thing, he's to young to be going limp for no reason, yet staying hard when I do that manually. I feel so sorry for him when he wants to really bad, but then has issues...etc. So tonight we're going to try again ... and I'd never tell him this, but in a way, it's a turn off when he can't keep it up and I'm sitting there trying to help him ... knowing that it probably won't work again. Last night I barely felt him inside me. I thought he'd fallen out, I'm not sure ... what is going on. All I know is I don't like it, but am trying to be understanding. Ugh. Okay, I'm really tired right now. Went to bed at 1 a.m. and woke up at 7 to take my pill. I really have to concentrate on taking my pill RIGHT now. Now that we're using the pill again as the conception. We're going to start ring shopping too, whenever ... which scares me a lil but I'm happy to go. We also are going to Ikea tomorrow on my day off from work. He didn't want to go and I'm all like "YOU'RE GOING." Ha. We have a long list of things we need for his house, our house. It gets annoying sometimes to think of the money I've spent already on it and the future money spent. I'm low low low on cash as always. And I'm like YOU PAY FOR THESE THINGS NOW....well for the next two weeks at least. Ugh ... I could put my head down on my desk and take a snooze. I've been so unbelieveably TIRED the past three weeks, was sick, had my perod...etc. It still took it's toll on my body. I pray I'm not getting sick, but right now, I am freezing... at work. Goosebumps galore and I'm dreading that walk to my car to go at lunch time. *Sigh* It's funny I wanted a boyfriend, all this before, and now I have it and my life ... is complicated, I'm busy all the time, I have NO time anymore. But I'm happy - about it all, in love and no place else I'd rather be. Sometimes you can understand why Juliet and Romeo died because they thought they lost one another. I think I'd pretty much die if WG died or got hurt or left me. I can't imagine it, not at all. I adore him so. 10:19 a.m. - 2006-05-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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