sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- what you really have. It's amazing how many shake and bake relationships are out there. You see people moving in, really quick and relationships turn into marriages and then divorces. See. My WG moved in - last week - Wednesday. I left for the weekend and now ... it's nearly Thursday and now it's just hitting me ... that ... I'll never have alone time again. This morning I was laying there thinking that the only time to myself is when I get home from work and he's still at work. Not that I'm complaining, however, it's just hitting me now, all the TIME we spend together. And how I get grumpy sometimes and how he irritates me for no reason ... and how I can't say anything. Yesterday we went to Ikea in Bolingbrook, IL ... a 40 min drive -- not really near Chicago, but horrid road construction. It was a good time, we both agreed Ikea has lost it's luster...not longer do you walk around saying "I want that, I want that...." Now it's like, boy this furniture looks cheap. In fact, everything here looks cheap. We feasted on Swedish Meatballs and I played up that I'm Swedish, and hoped he got sick of it, as I'm SICK OF HIS FAMILY playing up their Italian hertiage. For fucks sake, I think sometimes, little things like that, is the only thing you can hold on to. The mom, isn't EVEN fully italian, she's fucking POLISH. And yet whenever my darling, lover says something off handedly, it's because he's got that "italian blood." So I told WG ... "when we have kids, we aren't doing this Italian bull shit." Or else I'll start playing up the GERMAN AND SWEDISH sides of my family. Which is odd, we're like mostly that, I think I might have a drop of irish in me, and I heard some french. But regardless, my great grandfather came direct from Sweden, my other great grandparents came direct from Germany, however you do NOT SEE ME SAYING, well that temper of mine, that's my SWEDISH SIDE. Or whatever. It's like no... I am American. I was born here, I don't give a fuck what other "blood" is in me. I'm AMERICAN. Anyway, I've been feeling blue this week. Think it's the birth control - and antibotics leaving my system. My period was bad and hormones messed up. Yesterday and the day before I had major depression symptoms. I am feeling slightly better today, but for the past two days I could've just cried at the drop of a hat and was feeling pretty ... crummy. Regardless, WG and I are doing good. He's kinda pushing a lil hard as for Mother's Day he wants me to go see his mom with him and sign the card and help get the gift for her. I'm like, that's all nice and all, but the fact is, she's not my mom. So I'm not going to sign the card, but will say the flowers we're going to get her, are from both of us. The framed photo of us, will be from WG. I'm feeling needy for my parents again. Not sure why. I think all this business of moving out and moving in and engagements and money and everything, is very hard to deal with right now. I have zero free time anymore and I work like a dog on the weekends at WG's house. I am just working to hard and I know I'm pushing him too. And all because I want it to look nice when my parents get here in two weeks. Argh. It's just... really stressful right now and wg is right now when he says ... that the time flies and that we haven't done anything really fun in a while. We haven't had sex in a while either - not since Sunday - due to being tired. And things now, are flattening out and nitty gritty relationship is upon us or here. WG said it best, "it's like we're married already." We're supposed to go ring shopping on Sunday. I never bring up when I want to go ring shopping. He always does. I cannot help it as it worried me and scared me ... I think he doesn't have the money for this, and yet must produce some ring that is a status statement of our love and wealth and all of the bullshit that goes into these traditions of marriage. Still I think, me married? And everyone says ... oh he must love you, he loves you so much ... etc. etc. etc. I still have that single girl apprehension. I don't know why. Just sometimes you wonder when it'll end cause in the past all the good things in your life have ended. So now ... wow, we've been dating 8 months and already moving in, marriage talk and baby talk. Just so so much to contend with ... and think upon. I looked at wedding dresses even, favors for the table, centerpieces. I just wish my life would slow down a bit, if only ... I know I need to slow down on redoing his house. But it's so bad in some areas. I'm happy for Saturday when he'll drop me off there while he runs errands. I am going to scrub his bathroom down ... and then begin on the kitchen (maybe). I know already we'll be beat ... from Saturday. That's what sucks the big one. Okay enough bitching, I got what I asked for and should'nt complain. It's just odd cause I know he loves me in a way ... that no one else has ever loved me. So it's special. It's hard when life clouds your perception of what you really have. 4:01 p.m. - 2006-05-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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