sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- happy. I must not have shut down my explorer yesterday - as I only seem to update this diary at work - on the lay times where I'm sorta bored and wanna look as if I'm working. So yeah I keep a link to diaryland on my computer, but I call it "dairy" in my links folder. No one knows I am the sourgurl77. Sometimes I think of going back to my ol' screen name on here, but the hassle and heartache it caused before, but prying eyes and uncooth dealings with people whom I said "if you find it, promise you won't read it..." ah, I don't want to deal with such things again. Regardless, if WG read this diary, I would be upset, but not overly pissy cause I know I do not A. cheat or B. flirt with other guys, as I did prior ... with other .... men/dates/ex-boyfriends. I'm pure, unconcentrated, faithful and in love Jen. It's odd to say, but it finally happend and marriage on the way, etc. etc. I'm not scared anymore, but more slightly annoyed that I can't hide the fact that A. I'm poor two weeks out of the month. B. I spend to much time doing my hair/makeup/lotion .. etc. C. I buy to many clothes, D. That I really *do* use the bathroom and E. I have a major sweet tooth/addiction to pop. Anyway, it's not so bad, and I prefer this life than my old single life of "when will Mr. Right come?" Now it's like, "when will he ask me to marry him?" Oh, he said in December. ;) We're going ring shopping this week sometime. Though that scares me equally as much. It's okay, at least he'll have a price in mind to save, etc. etc. Hell he has alotta months to save for it. We'll get married in Oct/Nov of next year. It's odd for me to think, good lord, next year, I could be hitched. The year after...knocked up. Yikes. The american girls dream of a ring and a veil and lil house and loving husband and then on comes baby. Though in my life, the wrenches thrown into that mix, is still unknown. Maybe we just always knew we'd end up together, all those times at work we felt the glow but ignored it, saying He/She probably wouldn't date me....now look at us. Anyway, we had a weriod time yesterday, went to Target for some things and saw a co-worker from work who obviously did not know we were dating. He looked at us and smiled evilishly saying "what are you guys doing?" WG was kind of stand offish all night and said he was upset about his parents - as he couldn't get a hold of them. He was weriod. And it upset me a lil to see him all stand offish like that. We went to bed at 10:30 and made love (I call it SEX or Fucking but he prefers "making love.") And he finally came in me. It was a weriod, nice change and I didn't finish because in the middle he went limp - which was the time I was starting to get close. Regardless, I was happy he came and I think he entirely let go of EVERYTHING and just DID IT. Cause he really got into it, suddenly - and really thrusted in a new way - very odd. And I actually felt him come ... which is a weriod feeling. I kind of .... last night ... it was just ODD. I've been thinking and thinkin' about my appointment on Friday. I know I stress to much over these things. But I'm worried about the pain, the pain I felt last time was really crappy. And to lay there and let it happen, made it worse. I know I need to do breathing and relaxation techiques to calm myself. Last time I started to count the stucko in the wall ... and usually that'll help me a lot. Like when I got my shot, I read the whole certificate of whatever on the wall at the doctors office. It kind of takes my mind off of it ... but it's hard to read stucko ceilings. Other than this, a finger in doesn't bother me much. Go for it, nothin' new to me. Press on me, do whatever, but that fucking spectulum is the killar! Not sure why - maybe with all the activity downstairs, I should be okay. I did read that 3 normal pap smears - you can start going every couple of years ... I'm going to ask my doctor about it. Anyway ... I'm going to try to RELAX about this all. At least I'm getting it over with. Then on Monday I go to the dentist - praying for no cavities - never have had one and hope to keep it that way. (Though two of my teeth have been achy and so have my wisdom teeth). Ugh. Regardless, I'm still happy WG finally got his groove back. Somewhat confidence back - sexually. I know he'll have to do this a few more times for it to go back to "normal" ... and me thinking, shit, now I have to really take my pill on time all the time. Oh well, I'm happy, though very broke right now. I did go to the gym last night. Ah. But all in all. I'm happy. 3:35 p.m. - 2006-05-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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