sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- for tomorrow. I'm mostly tired today. Woke up tired, went to bed tired. I'm at work ... tired. I really find days like this, just annoying. I'm thinking about going to the gym, yet feeling to tired. But then think of how my apartment needs to be dusted, vaccummed, cleaned and yet feeling just to fucking tired to do so. Must make dinner, etc. I am somewhat missing single life, where making dinner was just for me and a bowl of cream of wheat or bag of popcorn was OK. Now, it's cooking for two people, two people's messes. Yesterday WG and I went to his house (Okay, "our house") to clean up and mow the yard. I worked inside - washing the kitchen floor (disgusting) and then washing the closet floor in the master bedroom (more disgusting, finding even MORE hairs from ex-wife .. thinking diet pills she was on, must've been making her lose her hair. Such a disheartening thing to find, something to make it real.) That was gross too. I poured out the water in the tub and was grossed out by it. Back in the kitchen I filled the sink with sudzy water and cleaned the cabinets and microwave and anything else I could. I scrubbed the stove top down, which wasn't to bad. After that, I started carrying everything in from the living/dining into the spare bedroom as Saturday we have to move everything out of there. WG kind of freaked a lil, as if I tossed away his precisious toys or whatever the hell he had there. I told him in a pissy voice, "I'm not her, I'm not stupid, I wouldn't throw anything of yours away." However I did throw out old potpourri cause it was old and I dislike potpourri as I dislike the smelly scented candles he has (soon to be tossed)...he likes the smell of coffee, nut and apple/cinnamon candles. All candles I cannot stand the smell of. Especially "nut" candles. Yuck. Or cinnamon ... or coffee ... just fucking gross. I like fruit smells or ocean or clean linen. He likes....PUMPKIN. Gross. He's one of those people who buys those clearence candles, that you wonder who the fuck would ever buy. Yeah my loving, wonderfuly boyfriend. Mr. BrokenNose. Regardless, I worked my ass off moving everything and just felt pissed off yet again finding shit from Ex-Wife. Like all these plastic bags he's kept FOREVER. I mean THROW THE SHIT AWAY. You don't need a million plastic bags! Not like each week you can't get more at the store. I found bags from "Jones New York" and "Express" and I sat there thinking he doesn't shop there, and Jesus Christ, if she didn't have a job and he was supporting them ALL, why the fuck was SHE shopping there? Expensive stores, let me tell you. And Express is for thin girls and suddenly, in a flash I'm feeling really fat and wondering if I'm like twice her size and wondering if people are like, "boy he went down the line this time." I know tha'ts horrible to think, but it's things girls think of. You want to be better than the ex. And with my ex, I knew I was better than his ex. And I know how I treat Wg is better than she EVER did and how I love him more/appreciate him more than she ever fanthomed. However look wise, am I the downgraded fatty? I mean I sat there thinking, was he used to holding a thin girl, now me, the plus size girl? I know this doesn't matter. I know they didn't have sex for 7 months prior ... and ... etc. etc. Still it's hard to think on, etc. It eats you up to think of your loved one, loving someone else or someone else loving them. No one compares to you, you think. Or does it and ... I just shouldn't think of such things. Regardless, we took at shower at my apartment yesterday and he got to see more of me than any man ever has. I know he gets upset that I will not let him see me naked....however I'm self conscious. Sorry. We ended up having sex again, though he's back to being a minute man. I mean a true minute man. He got in, thrusted maybe 10 or less and then boom came. I was sort of let down, this is twice this week he's just come fast, or stopped when I was getting ready. I'm annoyed and yet happy that he's back in the saddle and over the going limp thing. I told that I was glad he was getting all the jollies and that I hadn't gotten mine since last Friday! He said something about going down and I said no. So then he fucked me and he came and I didn't. Yeah, thankssss. STILL, tonight we're slated to "try again" .... I am supposed to go to the gym tonight, I dont' think I'm going since I just feel so fucking tired. Like I could lay my head down and go to sleep. I think I did to much yesterday.... I think I need a rest. So I'm going to go home and try to ignore my much needed carpet that needs to be vaccumed and settle for scrubbed the sink ... when I make dinner - and will recruite WG to make rice or cook veggies - something. The other quandry is about tonight. I know before a pap you're technically not supposed to have sex. But I wasn't told this on the phone. And I read that it really doesn't matter/doctor can't tell/ it only affects 1, 2 cells in your body. I'm still slightly awkward about that, worried I might get a lil inflammed down there and tomorrow my gyn eyeing me saying in her India accent, "Jennifer, to much sex ... *softly* no no, not good." Then telling me I'm morbidly obese and that I need to lose weight. Which I want to reply, "What?! I'm overweight?! Wow no one has ever told me such things...lose weight? Okay!" If she says that, I might ask her to recommend a diet or something. I dunno ... I just feel blah today and just want to go home and sleep it all away. Okay back to work. Ah my back just cracked, what a lovely feeling. Damn that feels so good. Oh and I have to practice my breathing and relaxation tech. for tomorrow. 1:44 p.m. - 2006-05-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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