sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- weekend I'm writing to just signify that today was the last time that I paid rent. That means in two weeks I'll be moving in with fiance. Which is odd to say the least and can I say I will miss my little apartment. However not miss paying $615 a month in rent. Which is high by many standards for a one bedroom apartment. They say it's cause we're by "Chicago" that cause inflated costs, however I think that's a load of hoo-ey. Anyway, other than this, same ol, same ol. I'm poor as hell still and am slightly worried about bouncing yet another check(s). I have been living off the money my mom gave me for the wedding ($1,000). Well only $500 since I put the payment down for the room. I will pay this back when I put down money for the photographer and the music. That's $400 right there. So...still I guess I'll be "poor" ... but not as poor as before. I mean saving $615 in rent, is just a dream come true. Now think of my cost of living as just paying all the extra bills, nipsco, cable, internet, phone and water. Um, anyway, our next goal is to pay off the ring and then my visa. It's hard to believe that all this talk of what I'm going to do when this day comes....well it's finally here. I mean to think next week I'm going to Michigan to visit my parents, the week after I move in. Yikes. But we just are happy to be starting "life." We're excited about getting married, and the price tag of this, shocks me and upsets me a little and leaves me wondering why I just didn't go away and get married in vegas and then come back and have a mini banquet someplace. Or pot luck or some ho-bo-ken shit. But I guess I do want a white wedding with a dress, flowers and cake. You only get married once and I guess you should go all out (well nearly all out) for the things you want. My pill is still messing with me inside. Had an odd night last night and wasn't very in the mood. Or I was, then I wasn't. Fiance seemed upset at this as he kept trying to touch me below and it mostly hurt and didn't feel good at all. Finally I said to just stop. He sighed and I think he felt bad. I finally got on top too, and didn't like that to much. I mean I couldn't move my legs as straddling him was hard and then trying to move and thrust and shit ... I mean I was like...this .... just is uncomfortable. So he started to thrust and I moved back and forth and just said, "are you even getting off?" He was, I could tell, but I wasn't ... I felt odd and said...this is just a trial run. After that, I was put off in a major way....yet still sex was still done and he didn't come and went limp....I think cause I didn't feel right after getting on top... it simply was not a good sex night. I ended up giving him a hand job, though he asked for sex again. This morning I sort of felt the same and he asked for a blow and I said no. I gave a hand job and didn't feel my usual horniness after I give a HJ ... more like felt ... blah. I think he feels like it's his fault but I blame my pill as I haven't had sexual desire as I have in the past? He kept asking if I was "satisfied" in what he does and if his "size" ... makes me happy or sad. I know he's insecure, but I told him I love his size and love what we do. I really do, but always this first week back on the pill, my emotions are jumbled and they change like the wind. Mostly I am bloated, want to lose weight and just feeling like I've slacked off so fucking much on it... I know I have. But I dont' mind the sex, etc. and showering together. I'm to the point where if he doesn't like it, then he can say something, but I know he never would and he says I look "fine" and that I'm not "fat." I am fat, I know this, and I will lose weight for my wedding. I dont' want to be unrealistic and claim that I'll be in a size 10 by then. I'll be happy in a size 18. That's a good limbo size. You can shop usually anywhere if that size is yours. But I'm a size 24 ... and tumbling down to a 22, then 20 then 18 ....that's the key. Not sure how much weight to lose, but I'd like to start off with 10 pounds, and ultimately lose a total of 50. I just need to sit down and plan out what I'll do. I know exercise is my key. So I'll start taking classes whenever I can.... Oh well. I'm not doing any fad diets, just cutting back, working on portion control and trying to cut out pop. No weight watchers or atkins...fuck that. Anyway folks ... I'm tired and waiting to leave from work. I really wish I could find a new job. Or at least win some money off this huge house raffle they have around here with a lot of prizes etc. My sister won $500 from it last year. If I win just $200 I'd be happy, if I win nothing, then on well the money I spent on it went to a good cause. ANYWAY, my life has gotten slightly hum-drum. It's odd to think of the changes I've gone through, dating a dick head, to moving out of my sisters into my apartment, then dating and being stupid for a few months, meeting WG/fiance in November and now engaged. It's odd to think that simply ... 9 months ago.... that I started dating my fiance ... and after ....7 months of dating I was engaged. Then in 2 years of dating we'll be married. Wow. Time is flying it seems. It's July 1st tomorrow, Fiance's birthday. And it's odd to think it's July, it's summer. And August and September and then October. Time is zooming and I can't wait until the fall when instead of saying a year and 3 months until our wedding it'll be a year or 12 months and odd days. I don't know, I guess I'm just lucky with all these changes. I don't know what I'd do without my fiance, my life would be shit without him. I think if he were to leave me I would die. Depression for a long time, something. I think we're soulmates. We're something, and maybe this is true love entirely. *Sigh* Oh well, I'm almost ready to leave work. Tomorrow will be busy, with getting my nails done, picking up his b-day cake, and doing whatever else, then finally dinner and such with friends and then cake....presents..... Good time this weekend. 4:27 p.m. - 2006-06-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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