sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- tired Am so tired of being busy all the time. The bright side is I move into fiance's house (our house) ... on Friday. What the shit part is, is I'm trying to load up everything in my apartment into his car, my car, just trying to ease the move into a few pieces of furniture, no boxes full of shit. However, today I just packed up another load of dishes/pots, crap from kitchen. It's amazing, it's like when I feel like I've gotten it all under control, I realize, oh FUCK I still have to pack my fish, my plants, my clothes ... bathroom stuff (including curtain and towels) and this and that....this and that.... I mean it's gotten BETTER, but still I'm very stressed that it all won't be finished. What is worse, what is the whole shitter is my sister. She keeps calling and bitching for me to get the stuff out of her basement ... my stuff from when I was in school. Think dolls upon dolls and stupid shit. The majority of which can be tossed .... however won't be until it's moved ... to fiance's garage. My sister calls me and says "be here Thursday to move these boxes upstairs...." I'm like, well I still have shit in my apartment. She says, "STILL?" As if I've been sitting on my hands. So I'm just a bit frazzled and stressed and just feeling like I could cry. Tonight I'm going to load up my car AND fiance's car and take a monster load over. LIKE A MONSTER load - we both have ford focus' ... he has a four door hatch and I only have a two door hatch, however both our seats lay down and have that room too. Oh well ... a friend at work wants to do weight wa t c her s with me. Not go to meetings (which I think are a rip off) ... but do a sort of at home/update weekly type of dealio. I'm cool with it, but not keen on writing down my points. I hate writing down shit, but I know that's the KEY to it all. Plus me getting my arse back to the F'ing GYM! And yeah, slow down on my pop consumption. Cause in my veins, the blood has dried up and now I live in fucking Coca Cola or Pepsi or RC ... Uh, RC is like Coke and Pepsi for you non-Midwesterners. It's "Royal Crown" ... just like how 50/50 - is like Sprite .... Pooks adores that pop. I had one the other day and was like hmmm this is pretty good. They don't really sell it in the South, where Pooks now lives. Fucking South, don't have no 50/50 or RC, then fuck em! Just kidding. I do hope I can lose some weight. Mostly I just feel weak anymore. Now powerful - like when you do pilates for a week or go on the elliptical 3 times a week - like you feel strong. No, I just feel like a bowl of jello, all lazy and jiggly. Erm. Anyway. I haven't made any more wedding plans recently. Just been way to busy. But am thinking about stuff like registry and my dress and lil things like that. I'm opting to now allow my parents to buy anything for the wedding anymore - not like my sisters whereas my mom bought the majority -- favors and shit. No. I vowed to do all of this on my own and me being a graphic artist along with my fiance' ... I know we can create a lot of things (i.e. hang tags for the favors) and stuff. Simple, easy things. Regardless, my darlin' fiance ... is quite happy about the move in on Friday and about the future. He wants me to get off the pill soon after we marry and I said maybe we could wait a while. I really hate to think of this, I know I want a family, but that quick after a wedding, I just don't feel right with. Maybe I'm also scared and worried about having a child. Scared that my body won't allow it - not the extra weight that I carry, but the fact that I have irregular periods. However, I do not have PCOS - was "tested" in a way --- and found everything to be "normal." I guess weight loss will and should help me out. And then worried about money and surviving with a newborn and me working and working all of this out. Oh and the pain of it all, the humilation of stirrups and big(ger) bellies and breast milk and all of those things. Suddenly not able to see feet/tie shoes .... :) I'll be all right. Regardless, my next feat is attempting of getting a new job. However this is an ongoing goal ... but anymore I've come to terms with career - being over. I feel like once I have a family, which seems to be coming up, that I'll be suddenly in the "administrative" arena. Oh well, we'll see in the future. I've never quite pictured myself the "mother" that woman that stays at home ... however "career mom" seems like hard words to chew. Somewhere in the middle, as staying home all day, just doesn't seem like my cup o' tea. Unless I'm watching other kids, ala .... Jenny's at-home daycare kaboose. I dunno, I'll see, but right now I just feel blah and unmotivated in my shit shit career. Like I've gone to far down this shit ridden path to obtain any such career as I desire. Maybe I should write again, something, anything. Or draw or paint or something for extra fundage? How does one make extra money these days? Seems like everything has been done. Or things can be bought cheaper than whatever you could create. I dunno, I should learn to sew, make quilts and sell them at crap(ft) fairs. Oh well, enough odd talk. I just want to relax and I know I can't this week. At least I'll see my parents again, I miss them a lot of the time anymore and feel guilty when they slip me money. I wish I could say no, but I can't, I'm broke once more because of paying rent last time, and now paying out $200 this check and $200 next check for booking rooms. Goodness....will I ever get ahead?? All I know is fiance is upset - quietly - about me not being able to "finish" or "climax" during sex - it's been a month or two now. I think it's the stress, but anymore, I sometimes feel like ....okay climb on top of me and do your deed, now get off. Kind of like ... now leave me alone, you got your jollies. Then go clean up and then he wants to cuddle, me - the man - wants to go to sleep. I love our sex life, but sometimes it's like ... hard to explain. My hormones kick in and how I once felt like I couldn't get enough sex, now I feel like I've gotten more than enough and sometimes it just feels like a chore. I know that's terrible to say ..... I think it's stress, hormones ... wishing for a release, but in the end obtaining more stress and baggage. Still he enjoys it, that boy going from a sexless marriage, to two years of no sex, then to me ... sex all the time Jen. So I think he's making up for lost time with me. We average out of 7 days ... maybe 5 sex days. And I enjoy it, but sometimes miss sleeping alone and being alone. But when he's gone I miss him a lot. Is this how every woman feels? Maybe I'm just tired. 2:43 p.m. - 2006-07-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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