sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- times like this It's been a long day. A bad day too, but I'm unsure if it's by my own accords or my surroundings. This morning I got in a "fight" with fiance. Wasn't really a fight, but I was pissed. The setup -- he keeps the a/c on 70 degrees. So most of the time I'm pretty much - cold. I go to bed cold, wake up cold, watch tv cold, get out of the shower ... cold. So this morning I said in a sweet voice after waking him up ... "honey, we need to turn down the a/c because I'm tired of being cold.... I...." That's when he threw his tantrum and saying, "how can you be cold? I'm not cold? I don't get it." I said, well at least put it on 71 ... degrees because... So he blows up again, "what's one degree going to do? You have to go down 5 degrees to make any difference" blah blah blah rant, tantrum. I said Jesus Christ he didn't have to flip out. So I stopped talking to him and wouldn't talk to him as I got dressed. Then got pissed because he didn't even notice. So I got my stuff and went to the door (I always kiss him goodbye). I quickly unlocked it and opened the door, locking the door behind me. I heard "Baby?" I was halfway out and I heard BABY! and I slammed the door. I walked down the steps quickly and heard him hurry to unlock the door (I felt pretty sly for locking it behind me, but it's out of habit) and I hear "JEN! JEN!" So I didn't bother to turn around. I heard him fumble for shoes and I was at my car already and not even looking I sped off. I don't know if he watched me drive away. But I was mad and of course fighting by tears. I got to work, feeling like shit. And sitting there fuming that if he doesn't call to apologize, then I will blow up. But he emailed me at working asking what he did that made me so mad and I told him and he said he didn't even get that mad. I said he did and he was very disrespectful. A moment later he called me at work on his cell phone and said he was sorry and didn't know he got like that, etc. I said OK. Well ... I have to get back to work, I'll see you after work. So after that I started crying (yet again at my desk) ... and calmed myself down. Though today I've been a weep fest. I'm depressed. I hate when I get like this - and I know the culprit is my birthcontrol. The first week back on, always makes me like this. Sometimes I'm okay and then times like this I could cry all day and think about death and dying and how my life will never be just how I wanted it to be. Anyway. I'm wondering if I should get tested for hypothyriodizm. Because lately - I just feel like shit. Tired a lot, cold a lot, depressed, can't lose weight. I dont know, maybe that's a short term - blame because I can't seem to control my fucking life anymore. And now, it's like I have a child, my fiance whom I cook and clean for and now have to care for. Today is a day where I'd like to just go home and lay in bed and be left alone. Just let me watch TV and order take out food and just veg. Unwind, unworry and just relax and sort things out in my mind. However I have a feeling more drama is to ensue when fiance gets home and suddenly it's "I'm so sorry honey/baby. I thought about you all day. I feel so bad. I didn't mean to. I didn't like what happend" BLAH BLAH BLAH. And uncomfortable and then the "it's okay" and then some make up kisses with sex to follow or something in that manner. Isn't that how these things work? No. I'd rather go home, flop in bed and stop thinking. I contemplate ... obtaining my sisters day bed, so sleep on during times like this. 2:55 p.m. - 2006-07-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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