sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- soon It's been a super long day. I mean I've gotten to the point in my life, where I kind of .. .just don't wanna work anymore. Not that I'm wanting some motherhood shit, but simply tired of long hours, shit pay and shitty attitudes/babysitting co-workers who make more than you and are complete morons. I'm opting into thinking about mediocre positions where they could be fulfilling in some ways such as ease and less stress, however the whole I-went-to-college-and-make-shit thing really bugs me. Spend the first part of my life in school with the promise that college buys you this superb life. Whereas, I have yet to find that lifestyle where I say to myself "thank God I went to college." The job I have now ... didn't require college. The job I applied for - mind you pays more - but is less important, doesn't require college. So ... might I ask you why the FUCK I went to college? Just some pretty line on my once, kick ass resume, that says I wasted time and money way back when I thought I could be something. I know I'm sour grapes today, but seeing the graphic artists here make more than me and me more talented, burns me up. I've been thinking .... About going for a writing position or copy editing position. Something new, but then I think of perhaps trying for a new career field, trying to go back to college, blah blah blah. Then I think, hell why don't I learn some cool trade and just do whatever and make monay on the side! But all of these are just skiddering thoughts. Thoughts that belonged once to my youthful self and now grown up self I see my disillusioned self .... all new. And right now, I cringe to think that I've planned out - having children, etc. And seeing that I can't go to job to job and move and be so free as I was before. I shutter to say that I feel nearly STUCK in some ways. Stuck by a ring on m finger, a promise, plans and it's okay to everyone else.... However I figure I DO still have plans and can change if I wanted ... a new job, etc. I mean ... shit happens. Isn't what I want still important? Oh I know it is, but I guess I miss ... having hope to one day get a job I really loved. I miss writing and stuff, but that type of career, around here is a laugh. But eh...I'll just sort of continue on, what can I say, I found the man I am meant to marry here where I work. It took a while, but it happend, and at least it did happen. I did pay my dues, for years upon years I have. And maybe he did too. Married a bitch - and in their whole marriage of a year or two? They had sex only 5 times and she broke shit in her madness and never cleaned (evident in the layer of dust) ... and was trash, complete fucking trash. Fiance gets upset talking about it and maybe I punish him for now going on his second marriage and me my first and last. And me saying thank GOD he didn't have a kid w/ her or adopt the one she had. And mostly I'm praying for the day we move out of that HOUSE they shared. I hate living there knowing that's where THEY lived at first and HIM saying they never, ever had sex there. Never consumated the marriag in fact. And me thinking, why didn't you tell the lawyer this? Me thinking why didn't you see this was a big big problem and she must've been cheating the whole time. Sounds like she hated him, just used him as a tool to get out of her parents house, some dumb white boy paying her way, he worked, and paid for her college. She never worked, or quit blaming it on racism (she was a mexican) ... and ... then me finding bags from expensive stores -- Express, Jones New York, etc. She didn't work. And me thinking, no fucking wonder he went bankrupt on credit cards - she took them out, he never knew. How could he be so fucking stupid? And I think how dumb I was with my ex ... but that didn't even last 1/2 a year, more like 4-5 months. I knew, and that's why I ended up, wasn't happy at all. And me thinking, wtf was he ever happy with her? She flipped out all the time, he said. She was on diet pills and her hair was falling out, I know, I still find long black strands. I still find pictures that the little girl drew. I still find myself thinking, why could'nt I find myself a man with a clean slate such as my own? I still find myself thinking, when will I stop finding these mini reminders of HIS past. Where my past isn't locked up into hair strands and letters that come in the mail for her, or insurance forms or a worry when we get married if there will be anything odd. I found out 2 weeks ago her name was still on the house insurance. I flipped. If the house went up, she'd get it all from it. He got it changed, but these little incidentals ... these things where my things would become hers somehow, it just isn't just a "mistake" the insurance company made ... but a fucking disaster. So anymore when he yells at the past, I say at least you don't keep FINDING the past. A picture, hair, things from the past, handwriting on boxes that you aren't quite sure if it's his mom's or hers. It's just annoying and most people say, well just forget that part of his life. But it's hard to forget when questions can never be answered. He just says he was stupid. In a way you want to say, well are you being stupid with me too? Can I walk all over him like she did? And now, am I watched more closely? Him ready to pounce to say that I too could cheat or lie or whatever? I don't know. I envy those with men whose slate is clean. Granted I am not bawking as he never had kids with her ... but still ... the fact ... the whole fact. And certainly why am I so bitter about it? When we talk about marriage and I say, let me get my way, you should've done what you wanted the first time. I don't know, right now my mind is going through something. Working on something. I don't feel myself anymore and just need some peace and calm and quiet. I don't know if it's my pills. The hormones making me wacky again. It certainly feels like it anymore. I have this ... weriodness about me. I punishing fiancee over things and then feel bad and then try to love him more and more...but then feel like I need to be alone for a bit, to rest and rekindle myself. Maybe it's me who has change ... or can't change? I don't know. Maybe I'll figure it out soon. 4:06 p.m. - 2006-08-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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