sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- right? It was a sort of long weekend. We finally closed fiance's bank account and now he's entirely in my bank account. It wasn't to hard. We went grocery shopping and got food for the next week. Then I flipped out about money as my paycheck? Yes. Spent already on lingering bills and the like. I did get my rent check back - $320! So I do have "money" but I'm giving $200 of that to him for the payment on the ring. $100 I'm putting in savings. He also got a check for $542 from his mortgage for escrowe? Something like that. He's not sure what to do with that money, he wants to put it back in the house and just keep $100 of it. I said "put it on the ring" ... but he's thinking of putting it in a CD. Or something. I dunno. I'm kind of like, well that's be nice to save it that long, however putting it all on the ring would certainly expedite the process. See our plan is the pay off the ring, then pay off my visa, then save money for the wedding. How that'll go, I'm unsure. If I planned it all out right, by Nov/Dec the ring will be paid off. Then by March my Visa shall be paid off. I guess it's not TO bad, just putting $400 dollar payments on one thing or the other. The ring: $1,900 is owed. My visa? $2,050 is owed. Yeah, say "ouch" with me. Granted my visa is the barer of "house renovation costs" and "sisters wedding" costs - ala dress at - in total $400? Yeah my wedding dress -- $100. Now that's fucked up. Regardless, I'm trying not to worry on money, but I often do because yesterday had to buy my mom her birthday present and spent a total of $60 yesterday. I know that's not a lot, but to me it is when you only have like $140 to live on for two weeks. Gas is $40 for the next two weeks, food? Unsure. Going to really stretch this out hopefully. I also need to buy birth control ($15) ... and ugh ... nevermind. At least I have that $100 for backup. But like I said, I'm trying to save and so is he. So we're trying not to spend on stupid things. AND I GOT overtime at work - so next check will be a bit more.... I got 5 hrs of overtime - that's time and a half, so that's like maybe nearly $100 extra? Maybe $80 extra?? Regardless!!! Everything is going okay I guess. I know I flip out a lot about money and stuff. I'm trying not to. Trying also to let go of his past because when I think about it, I get really angry. And for what reason? The past is just that ... the past. I also am so trying to lose weight but just cannot seem to. I figure it's just not the right time to begin. My life is crazy with work and I'm tired and this week is period week. I've not had any pregnancy "scares" as of late. For a while. However this time around, I'm just waiting for my period to start. Not sure why? We've cut back drastically on sex. But this is due to stress and being tired. Or we work/walk around all day and just pooped. Last night we were supposed to, but he worked in the yard all day, his back hurt and I just really didn't feel like it because I had cramps. We both said last night, we just need to start having sex again because we both miss it. I mean last week, we had sex on Friday night? And I think we had it Wednesday too. Before that, I can't remember, maybe had it on Saturday night??? Before it was like every other day or we skipped two days.... I dunno. He tends to blame it on the new mattress we got - not new new, but my sisters old one that is better than our old mattress, which is now in the "guest room" so my parents can stay with us when they visit. :) I told him, if he wanted, we could use the old mattress again, I think he'd like to, in a way, because the newmattress is very very tall. I mean it comes to - no joking - my waist. The bed already is very high (old bed) and with the mattresses, it makes it 10 times higher than the old mattress. So I'm just waiting it out and he's getting comfortable on it now, yet still bitches at how tall it is and how he has to struggle to get on it - as do I - I figure we'll get more flexible that way. Anyway, we went to his parents yesterday and it was nice - we didn't stay to long and his mom hugged me when I left and said that soon she'll be my mom too. I stupidly said, not sure why I said it, but I said, "oh you'll be better than my mom." I didn't mean it like that and not sure what I was trying to say, but she said, no I'm sure your mom is nice and I said, yeah you're just like her ... etc. etc. I felt bad after I said it, I really didn't mean it that way, but was trying to say something nice and ended up saying something ... odd. I mean I love my mom, she's great, and no one could ever replace her.... I chalk it up to not thinking about what I was saying....etc. Argh!!! I know everyone has forgotten it ... and I told my mom what I did and she was like....oh she probably didn't even pay a second thought to it, but it bothers me for some reason!??! Maybe I'm pms'ing over this. Anyway ... I went for another job at work ... it's copy editing/designer for feat ures. I'm not sure if I'll get it at all. I've always been let down by jobs, for some reason I really really want this one though. But feel pigeoned holed a bit by my own job here. The good thing is, this is newsroom stuff, not advertising. So newsroom doesn't really know what I do. I'm hoping that works for me ... as when I go for jobs in advertising, that always works against me. Regardless, I am going to the bookstore to start to study editing. I know there are editing tests here, and have taken them before, never knowing how well I did? I dont' know ... I do just OK in editing, more like I just do not have the confidence in my own skillz. I guess I'll have to see how it goes, the ad is in the paper too and I'm sure someone will come in with a thousand years experience and I'll be told the same ol' fucking thing. I'm so tired of all of this shit, but that's how it is anymore. I wish I went for a straight forward career. A nurse or legal something or teacher or HR something. I mean I always see jobs in that. I feel like a complete failure, before I felt some hope in my career, now ... I just feel like ... what's the point? I work and work and try and try and still stay the same? Very grinding on the soul. I'm trying not to think of the wedding, but just realized the other day that now we have a year and two months. Seems like time is flying. We just bought our program booklets at Target - on clearence! Yay. It's this heavy paper that you print on your own. Very snazzy - a sage green design on ivory paper. Sort of fall-ish - but elegant. I'm thinking I'm going to print the text inside on ivory paper and stick it in it. I think that'll look nice. I bought 4 - 25 page packes at $1.98 each. Originally they cost $8 each, then went down to $3.99 each, then final clearance - I bought the last of what they had. They had other invites there, and I sort of kick myself now ... shouldn't bought them for my bridal shower! Shit! Oh well, I also found out - that my ex - that asshole from last year - is getting married on 7-7-07. I ran into mutual friends of his. I don't really care .... BUT. I also heard he might come back to wOrK here. I really dread that, I really do not care about him anymore, but seeing him and having to interact with that is just annoying. My fiance isn't to happy with that, not that he doesn't trust me, but he thinks he'll "hit" on me for some reason or be weriod or something. I said I really do not think he would, but then again, he seems the type that thinks that he sort of "owns" you in a way that he claimed you once and that you'd always been waiting for him. Like he's some catch. Lord knows, he's the worst man I've ever dated. He didn't even get me off, I mean seriously, when I think back, there are no good times. I think back to fireman or cop even married guy and can think of some woo woo moments.....with that ex....I really cannot? I mean seriously if I wasn't spending money or driving out to see him or PLEASE him then I was depressed. I mean that only lasted 4 months? And it was the worst 4 months of my life. I now know what the term "loser" means. I mean I dont' hate him, I just am like what was I thinking? He's also not over his now ex-wife. He never will be either. So his new current "fiance" can enjoy that all her life and a life of serving his selfish self. So I'm happy that's over, very very happy. I should've went for my fiance boy the whole time, but I guess sometimes you have to walk through shit to get to the green pasture. Or what's that saying? Even flowers grow through the dirt or something like that. I learned my lesson(s), paid my dues and now am with a wonderful man. I truely adore him in every sense of the word. I guess that's what real love is? I know, for certain that I'd probably die without him. I just can't see my life without him being in it. I guess that's why you get married? I've never felt so positive about anything before. When it comes to him, I know without a doubt ..... Anyway, this upcoming year is going to be very interesting I feel. I really wish he could start working back here where I'm at. Save on gas and stuff because we could go to work together. Ah, oh well, I best get back to work. I really can't wait until my vacation in the end of September. Sept. will be hell for me as I have to do my bosses job for two weeks, and that means I'll get some major overtime again. I guess I shouldn't bitch about it, embrace that good overtime and enjoy that extra money for a while. Hm. I guess the whole "stressed out" and that ol "tired everyday" thing gets to me? Oh well work calls, and I'm thinking of when to start back at the gym. :( Just do it, right? 9:55 a.m. - 2006-08-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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