sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- vacation from my life. Finally! Right?! Finally! That counter is working on my website, enough to tell me that I have 11 months and some odd days and minutes, throw in some moments too, until that day, that moment, that time known as the wedding day. Somehow, the sheer thought of it ruffles my feathers slightly, the largeness, that big committment to tell someone that I'm theres and truthfully will always be. To tell God this and somehow in his prescence tell the world, that indeed we're "one" now. Or realistic, an overpriced, generic day that involves large quantities of frilly shit. Regardless, things are going well and still this mini part of me feels afraid of the big committment, though I know I want no one else, and would dread having to go back out there. No....I also love him and just can't imagine living without him. So things are going okay, nix my money issues. This morning the hall called and asked rudely what time my ceremony was and all this shit because someone else wants to use the room next to mine. It ended with me saying, "look I booked his room MONTHS ago and what's a half hour, and just because someone ELSE decides they want THIS or that, I WAS BOOKED FIRST." So bride-zilla - Jen. Hello. Not nice to meet you. Also I didn't sleep to well, and a call at work - my work line, mind you - was not the Foldgers morning happiness I wanted. It kind of was A. don't call me at work and B. don't act like I can so easily bend my plans for someone else. Just a big ol' F-you. Regardless, It's very cold at work. We're upstairs now in newly renovated area, new desks, chairs, everything. They've spent 3.5 million or billion on this paper...this year. And it left the majority, if not all of us asking, what about a nice fucking raise? That's what was on everyone's mind. Mine too, as I've applied to a few jobs recently. And put my fiance's resume up on career build er. Mine's on there too. So I applied for a job in Chicago and one in Hammond (where I live) and then one here where I work. My phone has been to quiet, and it leaves me feeling ... well not caring. Where before I questioned myself and my work ... now I just figure it's hitting at the right time and with all the friends of friends getting hired or inner office hiring, etc. I do not feel so bad. I applied for a job - for fiance' working in Wal gre ens. Doing something ... with graphics. I dont' know, but seemingly feels like a nice paying job. Though it's sort of a drive, and we'd have to move there eventually. Still a nice change, would be nice. But lately I'm in no hurry, mostly just tired of being broke, and upset about it a lot anymore. I know it's life and others have it much worse. There is light at the end of the tunnel, but still it's upsetting ... in many ways, different levels, money problems never really do go away. Well unless there is hirer pay ... that'd be very nice. And I'm happy to see him apply for a job, just one if that, is something. He doesn't seem to like change.... Anyway... We're having issues in the bed too. And I welcome anyone with a similiar issue or thought on it, to email me. It seems like ... we just can't do it anymore. He gets slightly ... hard ... but when he goes to go inside, he's hard for a bit then gone. Then I get him ready again, and again he fails. Then I start up again, and 2 seconds in, slightly hard, he just comes. We're both blogged and I'm frankly tired of it. I mean it's been this way for a month now (almost) ... and I'm just... so frustrated. Jack-offs take time and then having to redo it, then then redo it and redo ... makes me feel like he doesn't desire me or I'm not turning him on. I told him how I felt and he said that's not it and that it was stress and like before, we'll manage and come through it. I said let me know when you're unstressed. I was very bitter about it last night and just so turned off. I get so so very turned off by it all. It's like I'm ready and he's not and can't but then does. He said we'd work though it as something simular happend before, but now I'm frustrated entirely. I know it's a little thing, but it annoys me greatly. And I know he feels very bad about it. And I'm angry about it and it's like just fix it. I told him the last month of sex has been shit. Not good one bit ... and he got upset even more. I'm not lying about this one, I'm sorry. It's like I'm almost turned off to even mess around. And that's not me. We're trying again tonight and I'm trying to keep an open mind and keep positive and not say anything bad. If I need it, there are other ways, toys around this I figure for now. Though it's annoying in itself to do it yourself. I'm going to Michigan this weekend, just me and sister. It's a nice getaway, for a day, just to ... go and relax. A small vacation from my life. 10:52 a.m. - 2006-10-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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