sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- said. Okay I made a special visit to diaryland Help Section because I always forget how to LINK and stuff. I mean I know HTML ... but my memory ... with that ... sucks. ANYWAY, here is my engagement announcement - Announcement Lovely! Right! No. One woman said I would "model." And another was like, you look beautiful. It's sort of like the thing to say, the fashion of announcements, everyone looks "beautiful" and "happy". I think it looks all right. Eh. I don't like pictures of myself I guess, it's kind of like, "do I really look like that?" I've been mighty cranky this whole week(end) ... and I know it's PMS. The dog has been driving me bonkers. Picture Sunday morning, trying to get ready for church (we're trying to join it, so we have a preacher for our wedding and have been to one class already) ... so we HAVE To GO SUNDAY....just because it looks good. So we get up and I realize the PUPPY has yet AGAIN eaten his shit ... I know this because as I walk into the living room it STINKS and into the kitchen stronger STINK, open the crate and NO poo ... and the dog waggin' his tail. So as I'm looking in the crate and pulling out his blanket and inspecting a once pile of pootie .. now just a smudge on his towel, I get an eerie feeling. So I get up off the floor and say...."Roscoe...?" Once in the living room I come to find he has throw up his poo ... in the living room....in his dog bed. It's a lot and I let out a "FUCK" .... So I grab up the bed, which is now dripping on the carpet ... and throw it outside and I'm watery eyed and feeling like I am going to barf ..... So blah blah, we come back in, and I'm yelling at fiance' and notice the dog is gagging/throw up sounds and I tell fiance' to MOVE cause he's in my way to grab the dog. Stupid fiance' is standing there, "what? why".... I'm like "WILL YOU FUCKING MOVE!? THE DOG IS GOING TO...." Yeah he throws up again ... this time on my oriental, antique, carpet that was my grandma's and I scream FUCKING SHIT, WHY DIDN"T YOU FUCKING MOVE!!!!! I fumed and cleaned up the mess - and just was so very PISSED OFF to the point I was ready to cry. So afterward, the day went on, we made it to church. At home I cleaned up the entire house ... and fiance' started taking the ugly paneling off the wall in the back bedroom/office/one-day baby room. We find....someone has smashed a hole in the wall. Fiance is saying, "let's just put the paneling back up" and I'm like no, we'll fix it. We're both scared to take off the rest of the paneling - hoping there are no more holes...... And then we have to tear up the 1970's carpet.... which there is a lovely stain under the one end, looking like something was thrown against the wall, or that someone tinkled in the corner. The wood isn't to damaged, it's in the corner as well. So I calmed down, watched Bridezilla's and was OK. Fiance felt sick as we went to bed and messed around a bit and then went to bed. The dog, again, did the same thing this morning. However he didn't puke ... just chowed. But then went outside and did something much worse. Some fucking animal shit in the yard and yes, my dog tried to roll in it. So there I am at 8:30, throwing the dog in the tub and tossing off my shirt to wash him and cursing and ready to cry. And fiance is just WATCHING and I'm screaming that this has got to stop because I can't deal with this and that it was a mistake to get a dog while planning a wedding and working and church and etc. etc. I fumed. Ready to cry yet again, I yelled at everything. I chalk this up to hormones ... I'm on my placebo pill right now. It sucks, I'm on low-dose ... and they said with that you get like 3 day periods. HELLO I BEG to differ! Sometimes I get short periods, but also sometimes I get big mama, you're bleeding to death periods - but those are sort of rare or when I'm to stressed out (happened a while back, was very bad). I hope it's ... a short, sweet one. :( ANYWAY. So at work, I'm calming down, but so tired, just so many things to do...I mean this week and next week, I'm so tired of having so many things .... Plus we're running low on cash, I mean we have 180 in there to live on for a week and some days, and we have $80 in there as a backup, but still I'm pissy because we have to go grocery shopping, I get my nails done, the dog needs his shots, he needs gas ... that's all $180 plus some. So the good news? Semi good? I have a job interview. Well maybe. Let's just say they called and want to talk to me about a possible job interview. The catch? It's "project basis" ... work. Not sure what that means, as in, they hire me off an on? To which I cannot work such as that, I need full time, all the time. Not 9 months, then out on my ear. But the guy has yet to call me back and I'll try to call again today. Maybe he's super busy or whatever. I also found out the job at the paper I went for... a while back and didn't get, is open again. It's a copy editor, designer, sometimes writer job. I would love to do it, though my editing isn't really great, but my design/writing is.... Plus if I don't know or think something looks wrong, I figure I could look it up. I mean my eyes will not be the only eyes on the copy. I dont' know. The hiring person, knows me, but unsure of how she hirers, etc. I mean I can do it, it's all about the giving a chance thing that breaks or makes it. So I'm hoping she'll toss a bone at me. If not, I'm still looking for jobs BIG TIME right now. I'm fed up at my job, so unhappy, etc. Upset all the time, very very unsatisfied. It's time. And I prayed to God on Friday for a new job and then got a message from that one place for a job interview, very odd. Still even if I don't interview, I am happy I was thought of, as a possible fit for it. Where I work now, they make me feel as if I'm not even fit to be a secretary ... which is why I wish to leave. So I guess it's good and bad and neutral news anymore. I just want to get past this week ... and into next where I'll have Friday off and then ... onto a mini trip to Indy. I am having fiance' go to the doctor to be looked at. He has allergies I think. And ... well ... might have ED. It's purely mental, not physical, but our sex life, has lacked for more than a month .. not that we dont' want to do it, but ... when it comes time, it's gone...if you know what I mean. It's very difficult for me, as I feel like I"m not being a good lover, as if he doesn't desire me or that I'm not turning him on. He's told me that it's not me and that he wants me a lot, but ... something ... stress maybe that has brought this on. So after another night of un-love making, I flipped out and said mean things and ... we finally agreed to see a doctor about it. I'm going in there with him, and I said, well maybe it'll be cleared up by then. I get my period this week, and I do not think after last night the situation has improved. So it's embarassing to talk about to the doctor, but something that must be because ... sex is an important part and I know he feels bad and I feel bad ... and confidence is low, etc. It's hard to deal with I guess? So I'm just a stress ball right now...a new job sounds very good and a better salary. I know if I got either position I mentioned previously, that would mean a raise. The one - project basis job - might ... be quite a raise..... Oh well, I'm not going just for money, but still, right now, would be very very nice. I'm not holding any hope, because I've been disappointed before, so I'm trying not to fret. It's just nice to day dream about it I guess. Infatuation with a career move. A new "love" in my life career wise? I guess that's what you call it. Anyway, I dread to go home at lunch and be with the dog. I'm so tired of taking care of it and it always wants to be by me and cries when I go out of the room. It's like, just leave me alone and start doing things right and stop fucking up. He'll be 5 months old this Sunday, shouldn't he know better by then? By now? I know 6 months signifies the growing up stage, a teenager of sorts and when he should be "potty trained" and "listens"... it's just hard to imagine that. A time where I can do shit without having to worry about what this dog is ruining, chewing on or pissing on, I just can't comprehend that. I told fiance if we ever get another dog it's going to be older, no more puppies. Fuck this shit. I am to stressed out with everything, I hope I do not become the next bridezilla, I doubt I will be, but some of those stories, it's all about how you deal with stress. Which is probably why I'm overweight, maybe I eat myself de-stressed. I don't know. Ugh, not even going to think about ... what I just said. 11:20 a.m. - 2006-11-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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