sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- to cling to I'm typing with an injured finger. See I let my nails grow to long sometimes, and that's when shit happens. Ala eating and the knife slips and my nail crashes doww on the plate, my nail gets hurt. Not broke, but bruised ala the pull of nail from nail bed hurtness. Well, I didn't get any of the jobs I applied for. The one seemed so promising, but I should've known, that old game they play on me here at work. They fooled me again, thinking I could do it, that excitement, only to be told they are hiring someone with more experience. Being told I was simply unlucky, I will never forget that. I've been semi-depressed about my job and fiance's job, and how the job market sucks and feeling stuck, etc. It sucks. Really, being in a bind. However I am lucky to be able to apply to a lot of different jobs, while fiance is only bound to graphic artist or graphic designer. Other than that, there isn't much. While I go for production coordinator or production artist or desktop publisher, or any combo of those. I am multi-tasking, multi-talented, and still can't find a friggin job. So yesterday, at work mind you, I applied to at least 10 jobs. From Chicago to Indiana ... my resume hit the road and electronically has been whoring around trying to find a nice, new trick. Regardless, I also go for shit secretary jobs - yeah - it's better than what I do now. And it's sad that I go for these shit jobs. Makes me feel like, no one believes in me, or that I'm not good enough, maybe I think to highly of myself. Anyway, I do have a tinge of depressing lately. With Christmas and lack of money. I got fiance's gift - well the majority of it - and my parents are sending me money to buy him something (I'll have to throw in some money for it too). So it's kind of ... upsetting ... to be broke all the time. Pay check to pay check. It's just very ... depressing this time of year when I think that I can't buy what I used to buy or the things that I want. I have to look at a new shirt as, well this could buy gas for a week? But the engagement ring will be paid off ... well now. Only one last payment due! Finally! No more crappy APR ... of ...20%! I mean that alone.... think 20% of $2,000 .... and there ya go. Think of that monthly. So I'm happy we chose to buy the ring early, and pay it off quick. Granted it's been many months ... hell ... since summer that we bought it, still now we have to pay on the wedding bands and getting my visa lowered. I figured that by probably July that might be accomplished. Then ... what? I know we're going to start paying on the flowers, but not sure when. I told the ladies that in January we'd put a deposit of $100 down. Ugh. Me and promises. At least the dog is done with his monthly fucking shots. That was $50 to $70 a pop! He goes in Saturday for his final shot - $15. Not to bad I guess. But seeing as he's an extra buck to spend, sometimes I wish I would've waited to get him .... He'll be six months in two weeks. Also I have to think upon buying my sister a baby shower gift and throwing the party! Fuck! I know my gift will be something small. Which I know is selfish, but why couldn't she wait until after my wedding? She should know how it's so hard to live and then pay for your wedding ... and now I have THIS expense of baby shower AND a fucking GIFT! Regardless, I have to get my ass in gear and buy things for my own wedding. Ala' tiara and veil and undergarmets, and oodles of things. Personally I am kicking myself thinking why didn't I just go to Hawaii to get married? Seriously, I should've. This whole planning thing, and the whole "who's invited" thing, is what is worse. Yesterday my sister was asking how many I thought for my bridal shower. I'm like, I don't know........ I really don't even know anymore about who's coming to the wedding. I read that you're supposed to make out your list 6 months before hand. Before I wanted a lot of people to come, at least 60, now I'm like, fuck this shit I'll settle for 50, even 45. I don't need a big ass gig. That'll save money. I guess when you're as broke as I often am, cutting corners just becomes second nature and I really hate that. My boss left for the day and now I have to do her job. I'm so fucking tired of training and being a trainer ... and then filling in for everyone and then not even doing these jobs well because I do not do them enough or have enough knowledge.... Maybe if I were paid better I wouldn't mind as much, but ... I don't even get compensated for training, filling in, and everything else. This is why lately I'm depressed. After my dentist told me that he loves going to work, never dreaded it, that keeps coming into my mind. I simply dread coming into work ... which is why lately I think I've been depressed. I lost the job I thought I would get, and now I'm back to where I started. So it's disheartening to say the least. And dont' think that I'm not trying to get out. Believe me, I am. I look daily, weekly on all the career boards, I look in the paper, I look everywhere. Anymore, I want to just move out of here. I already told fiance that I think we'd be better off someplace that has jobs ... I'm thinking West Lafyette, Indiana or if we do work in Chicago, move closer. I'm thinking maybe Michigan. My dream? Working back in Florida, but would they even hire me there - back to the mouse land where I once set foot on? I don't think fiance could handle the heat of Florida, the winter that never comes, the lizards, snakes and palmetto bugs that are so abundant. So in those dreams is a reality that nothing will ever change and me wishing to be out of here by Christman is just ... nothing more than a fading thought. I'm trying to be happy, etc. But when you hate your job and repeatedly shit on ... and finding no other jobs to jump to, it can't be more than just a little depressing. Anyway, the good thing as of late - is that my mom has sent me money to start at the gym. $60 bucks to start, I'll get $30 back from work if I go 8 times a month. At least I can get started on that ... and then I want to start on weight wat c he r s --- c o re pro gram. Not sure ... how I'll do on it. I was thinking maybe trying out the p o int program and then trying the other? I don't know, but cutting back, now, after the holidays. Christmas will be slightly upsetting as my parents aren't coming down. I'm planning on a trip to visit them before Christmas. At least bring up their gifts? I don't know ... anyway, back to work for me. I just feel so stepped on right now. I know get in a better mood, like I always say, I won't be here forever, something will come up, at least I HAD interviews, at least they THOUGHT I could do the job. Maybe that's something to cling to. 9:14 a.m. - 2006-11-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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