sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- who knows It's been a crazy couple of last weeks. From a horrid panic attack, to showing emotion in public - crying in a doctors office - etc. I got tired of being stressed and got put on an upper - Wellbutrin - which causes a horrible panic attack - one where I was ready to go to the ER. I got off the pill and since then have felt really crappy and depressed. Since then I've had pins/needles feeling on the right side of my body. I see the doctor again on June 29th. Just to say, why do I have this pins/needles feeling? It just won't go away and suddenly I have anxiety attacks daily. So I'm blaming that pill. I'm blaming pms and stress. I just do not feel myself. I just feel like crying all the time. I lash out at fiance'. I figure I ought to be on something, but scared to be. All of that, I will tell my doctor. I really do not want to go though. I also just gave up caffenine. I had another bad attack two nights ago. I think it was cause of to much pop. I mean I'm "happy" in the sense - of getting married and I adore/love my fiance' to death. I really do not know what I would ever do without him. It's basically everything else that is bumming me out. No, not the wedding. I'm done with planning, buying things here and there for it. I'm not afraid to get married, my mom thought I was. I'm not. Though I'm not easy with, feeling afraid of -- having to be center of attention. That's kind of scary to me. I'll survive. Sorry to sound so bleak. I'm just tired of feeling like shit and wondering if I'm having a stroke or another "attack." I never had them in my LIFE and now booom it's all the time! I read that you should just worry one hour a day. I read that if you have an attack, to simply know you're OKAY and relax. Easier said than done when your heart feels like it's about to stop and you go numb on the right side of your body and you're breathing hard and shaking. So anyway, things are looking up I guess. With no caffenine I feel a lot better - though headachy. Also getting my period right now, so it's kind of PMS'y. Erm. Also we've been looking at houses. I cannot wait to move. The houses we look at, are nice. They are newer and really do not need a lot of fixing up. Some cans of paint, a fence built (in some cases) ... it's very exciting! I wish we could put our house up now. Also I just found a job to go for. After reading about it, I went ga-ga. It's for a part time court reporter for a legal news service. I know "part time" sounds scary, but the pay is 14 to 20 an hour. I would ask for $20 as then I would get paid what I get now! I'd take $18 even. It sounds interesting, and something that is in my alley! I just have to *groan* scan in two of my articles on the sly at work and email that and my resume and cover letter to this place. I just do not have any of my old articles on disk - never thought to keep them, I only have the clippings --- which at work we have a scanner that will copy text and put that into a text doc. Very cool. The other option is typing it all in myself (not fun). So that'll be my job tonight. Anyway, me and fiance' are thinking about buying an IMac. I'm so tired of my dinosaur Dell computer. I'm ready to move to MAC as at work that's all I use and feel comfortable with Macs enough. Other things was want to buy: xbox360, new entertainment center, new couch/loveseat, 2 chairs, new dining room chairs/set. A lotta money. And oh yeah a new bed - queen. I wish I could win a small lottery for these things. I will go on "gifts" and "sales/clearence" and ... uh ... luck? I'm good at finding sales and stuff. For our mattress, I'm going to macy's probably to one of those free shipping, free frame sales and get some good mattress on clearence. Yah! Our couches too, I will get on sale, though I want nice ones - lazyboy - with one of those forever warranties where they will replace the whole damn thing if it wears down. Anyway, my cramps are beginning to flair up. I'm thinking what article to send to the legal news service. I know the murder trial and maybe another --- erm. I'm wondering if I am "good" enough, it's been so very long. I guess all I can do is try. And then I wonder just how many would want such a job? PT and with legal things? Hm? Who knows. 10:12 a.m. - 2007-06-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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