sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- vacation from life Ugh. I'm going nuts in a quiet way. We went to the realtor today to see how much of a house we can afford. We can get $180 to 160,000 house. We're looking in Hobart, Indiana. Which is a bit ho-bunkin', a little bit country, stump jumper-y. But good schools, good houses - think brand new for $180. Or 2-5 yrs old for $170. Regardless, the though of selling and buying and mortgages. All to much right now. We plan to sell after we wed. Regardless, I'm just plain tired. Wedding, work, stress, exercise. I'm burnt out and lashing out and today flipped out in the car and just bawled and got in a fight with fiance' and I bawled that I'll have to work full time all the time and my babies will be raised by trash. I cried and bawled. Maybe that was hormones. We went to borders and I calmed down. But still feel very upset about just plain EVERYTHING. I think about the wedding and am so very SCARED about walking down the isle and being center of attention and being over emotional and not crying. I just really, really need to see my doctor. I go friday and am asking/requesting/pleading to be placed on xanax - not daily doses, but whenever doses. Sometimes I feel good and OK, but days like today I am bitting at the bit, feeling crazed. IN a bad way. Also so so so tired of everyone, EVERYONE being a fucking expert in EVERYTHING! Weddings, buying/selling houses. Do this, wait and no do it now. EVERYONE contradicts everyone else. My sister is barking for me to "meet with her" to go over "wedding plans." I say "I DO NOT HAVE TIME." She says, well we have to meet. I want to say WHERE WERE YOU 4 MONTHS AGO? I say, "it's all done, planned out." She says no about the shower, everything. I just said "Okay." So stressed, when will this existence end? Can you see, 3 months until the wedding? Maybe right now, is my "easy time" after we get married, it's going to be nuts. I'm just so very tired of it all, always being busy, always planning and talking things out. I really just need a vacation from my life. 6:03 p.m. - 2007-06-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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