sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- covers Well. It's been a week. I'm very tired from work. We're starting a lot of new things and it makes me feel like I just started working there. My stress level has been beyond toxic. I'm literally feeling depressed. I.e. I feel hopeless, fatigued and like I can cry at every moment. This is all due to work. I also didn't get that job, though I was the "runner up" and that upset me too. Fiance is very upset I didn't get that job, he's more upset than I am. I told him it's just not in God's plan for me. I know that's a line ... but in some cosmic sense, it's just not in the cards. My wedding is 2 weeks away. That too, is stressing me out. I literally feel ill with all this pent up craziness. I slept lousy last night too. I woke up at 3 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep. So I didn't go exercise today either. Right now I just feel down right ... craptacular. Regardless, thankfully all the wedding stuff will be over soon. Then a week in Florida. I'm praying that it won't A. rain or B. be TO hot. Plus I'm hoping on my wedding day it doesn't rain or be windy or overcast. I'm to the point, I'm letting it all roll off my back if things DO go wrong. Screw it. I am getting worried about my health. I worry about diabetes and stuff. I know I'm a hypochondriac. But when I don't eat well nor exercise, I just worry especially now with all this stress. Again I feel like I could just cry my eyes out all day and just lay on the couch. Erm. I ate a slim fast bar today, some quench snack bar. It actually works and didn't taste to bad. Though expensive -- 6 bars for $4 something, nearly $5 for this small box. Regardless, I feel very depressed though I'm hiding it. I just can't seem to take all this stress. Work, home, wedding. My dog is being a fuck and won't be good anymore. The neighbors blare there bass and radio and squeal there tires 24/7. One house down they fix race cars -- like demolish /derby shit. They rev the engine all the way until midnight. Now just a "rrrr" it's like "RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR" for 5 minutes. The people across the street and the rev' people both have bass and blare there shitty music and there bass is so hard that it shakes the windows. This happens all night. This morning someone started up there loud engine and then blared there radio.... at 4:30 a.m. It was crazy, I hate living here, I hate my job. Anymore it's like what do I have? Here? I told fiance we just have to move, get out of this area. He hates his job, I hate mine, what is keeping us here???? The dog is also acting very bad. He cries for NO reason. It's annoying. I've spanked him a million times alone. But he'll walk around crying and then look at me. Or he wants more treats and doesn't want to eat his food, just wants treats. More crying. Or him shedding all over the house. I'm so ready to get rid of him, I'm sooo tired of it all. Which is why I can't wait to go away. I just feel very disappointed with how my career has lead me. I was on a very promising path, then I got to where I work now and it's just...stalled and seemingly dead .. as if I'm stuck in some kind of purgatory. I just can't get out. I can't get a lower job, I'm over qualified and then under qualified for other things. I just hate where I'm at, I can be doing so much more than this. I applied for a job in Florida tonight. To a park there ... you get the picture. It's for a graphic design er person. Who knows, I'd love to get it and then go to work and say you can't hire me for your shitty jobs, but look who will. I'm so taken for granted at my job, all they see me as, is something to do some boring, un-creative work though I've won two awards since I've been in the position - which has been LESS THAN A YEAR. Some people have worked there years and never won anything. So I'm contemplating working in Florida or lower Indiana. Illinois is to expensive - they talk of Cook Co. raising there taxes to 11%. That's insane. So other than this, everything is on track for the wedding. Writing out checks and getting things ready ... it's good to know something hasn't fallen off track. I also decided to do a first dance at the wedding though we aren't having a dance floor DJ -- just a violinist and pianist.... everyone just fucking INSISTS we have a first dance. I dont' know why. I figure it'll be to AT LAST by etta james because that's our song. I just hope I don't A. look foolish or B. look like a jackass. Eh. I don't care anymore. I'm so very happy I won't have to TAN anymore. I so fucking HATE TANNING. Burnt skin and worrying about the bed BREAKING or bulbs exploding. I go tomorrow. So all in all, I have ... 5 more times to go. Sorry for this bleak post, I'm just so crazy anymore, I'm getting tired of this feeling. There is only so much someone can take, I'm to that point where something has to give. I thought if I get TO bad I'll take a sick day so I can relax. I think if I have a good cry I'd be OK. I just can't bring myself to actually have that cry. Having to explain to fiance why I look like hell and my face and eyes are all red. I'd rather just ... leave it be and just go put my head under the covers. 7:58 p.m. - 2007-10-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||