sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- this way. It's been a while. I know. Life has been sort of back to normal. My big "issue" is I'm cooking for Thanksgiving and my parents and sister and her husband all are coming over. So I've been cleaning up the house a lot. Erm. And buying stuff. Other than this, it's been quiet. We're talking about when to have a baby. We're thinking about me getting off my pill in Jan or March. It's scary to think of, but I'm worried that I'll have problems, so I thought ... why not start now??? Regardless, I can't say that I don't feel uneasy about the whole "let's have a baby" thing. It's hard to try to predict the future, when you have so many questions and what if ... and maybe and hopefully-ies. I just don't know anymore. I guess you have to just TRY or DO IT and then see what to do? Anyway I've been trying to lose weight. Low-carbing though I am very tired of it all right now. I made cookies tonight and we had pizza for dinner. Not exactly on the plan - but we DO get one carb meal a day, so...uh. I've cut back a lot and am now going back to the gym. I like it. But I still am getting mini-panic/anxiety attacks. I had a very bad one last night, after watching my sisters kid, who threw a tantrum, I was so frazzled by work and then watching him and thinking about Thanksgiving and worrying about my blood check -- I just freaked out when I went to bed. I didn't sleep well either last night. And yes, today I had my blood checked/taken at work - a free health screening. I am 42% fat. And my blood pressure is good. And big surprise, I'm overweight. I wont' know my blood results for up to two weeks. It screens you for everything - cholesterol and diabetes, heart, etc. So at least I shall KNOW if something is going haywire within my body. Anyway where the woman took blood, I have a bruise and my arm is aching something terrible. I'm not sure why, maybe I was to tense or maybe my vein is bruised too. I don't know. So I feel another panic/anxiety attack coming. I really dont' know why I get these -- see this is how it goes. I go to lay down and watch TV. I fall asleep and turn off TV. Then suddenly I wake up and my eyes are all weriod - the light is SO bright or things look like they are zooming up on me. Then my heart beats fast. Then I have to go the bathroom where I go potty and sometimes have an upset stomach, THEN I get HORRIBLE chills. Like I cannot get warm again. After this, I am either OKAY, or I am extremely awake and my thoughs race. I do not know what this is, other than my body reacting to stress/anxiety. It used to be scary, but now I find it very annoying and somewhat scary. I dislike my heart beating so ... hard, but it lasts only a few moments and then I mentally calm myself. OH and when husband is around, like lays with me, it ALL pretty much goes away. I don't know why? Still, I feel sometimes that I wish I was dead ... I know it sounds crazy, but the thought goes through my head and I cannot stand all the pain in the world and knowing that one day, any day, I could just die...and feel that PAIN of my body shutting down. I guess I am terrified of PAIN. Not headaches or muscle aches, but internal pain, when you feel your heart beating to fast sometimes or when your stomach hurts so much that you KNOW it's more than just a stomach ache. These things roll around in my head, ever since I had my first panic attack, where I thought if life was going to be like this, then I didn't want to be a part of it. Now, I feel the same ... I know if I told this to a therapist I'd be in some ward ... but I'm not wanting to kill myself, but merely afraid of feeling ... out of control. So I dont' know. I guess you can chalk up my crazy talk to all the stress from today. Work was so very stressful and then stressing over my blood test. Sometimes I wish I could be doped up all the time on some pill. Or simply just stay home all day. Most of the time I'm tired of being BOTHERED. Perhaps that is why I miss my ol' apartment sometimes and day dream about life there. I know financially it wasn't easy and I did get lonely, but then there were times where I relished the fact that I was alone and it was just me. I love my husband, but often times wish I had that apartment to go to. I figure when I have a panic attack I should picture myself there - where I never had these problems - and just relax. My living room, with it's gray carpet, all the white walls, my uber-comfortable bed that was just mine. Hearing people outside my apartment, running upstairs or doors shutting, it never bothered me much. I guess the sound of it comforted me that I knew I wasn't REALLY alone. I don't know, I think about these things sometimes, and most of the time day dream about finally moving from the house we're in now and having a child and getting a good job. Sometimes, parts of me wants to just be alone. I hope I'm not the only one that feels this way. 9:47 p.m. - 2007-11-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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