sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- really. Ah. My period came. So happy in the fact that I thought for a while I could be knocked up. I have a nasty sinus infection right now, I hate feeling congested and feeling like I'm in a bubble. My period is also coming - my boobs hurt yet again and with this cold, I am just one ball of sunshine. I also got my blood test results. My cholesterol is up. The "bad" one is up. I wondered if it had to do with my stint with low-carbing? So now I'm lowering that by ... simply cutting out fried foods and taking it easy on meat/cheese and sugar. Regardless, it's just been a big stress worrying about my health. I'm also iron def. once again. So I've also begun taking iron tablets. I do feel a whole lot better. I'm unsure WHY or HOW I get so deficient in iron. I've just always been - and no - I'm not anemic. Regardless, I feel plain ol' BLAH. I'm so very tired of feeling like I'm going to die the very next minute. I have become majorly hypocontriact (sp?) ... ever since my panic attack, I just seem to think I have EVERY thing wrong with me. I'm trying to stop this terrible thing, and have gotten better. Right now I'm stressing about having a baby. I have only two pill packs left and I am dreading ... now ... the after effects of being on the pill, then the waiting and wondering and worry of what if I can't get pregnant? I want to opt for ... just getting off the pill and just LIVING and not caring, however ... it's hard not to when I've always had irregular periods. So my plan of action right now is just to eat right and exercise. I hope to lose weight, I was losing before, but now ... lately ... it's been a bit of a struggle. At least I'm aware of it. Not like those people who eat bad (fast food ALL the time like those at WORK) ... and never exercise - and then bitch about not losing weight. No, I exercise and try to eat right and then bitch about it! Ha~ Anyway, I feel a whole lot better than I have been, I just am sick with stress anymore. It's hard to disengage yourself from worry sometimes. Ugh, I have the coughs now, I hate coughing, it's just so annoying. Also it's so disheartening that I cannot find another job to save my life. Seriously, it makes you think that maybe you're not as good as you THINK you are, or that ... you don't know the right people. I can't even think of what other career I'd want to go into. If I think of one, that entails going back to college. Money money money to get to a different career that I just might not like afterall, or one that might just pay the same. It's hard to know what you want to do with your life. I dont' know what I want anymore. Just out of where I'm at, something that doesn't have to do with all the SHIT politics where I work. Ala - today I got an ad for a Holiday page that DEADLINED IN NOVEMBER. Me as a boss, would say NO WAY. However this girls boss told me "well we have to make money...we aren't turning away money." I grumbled back, "yes, well thank GOD we keep to our deadlines." I wanted to say, fuck money, what about PRINCIPLE? Walk all over me, I'm used to it. This is why I get so darn nutty at work - all this last minute, "I forgot to do it, so YOU clean it up" stuff that just gets me every time. Everyone hates there job where I work. I simply agree with my co-worker. I will NEVER work for another newspaper. They don't pay. They don't care about you, it's all about money. Everyone pretends to totally LOVE YOU, and you're soooo great. But as I've seen, when you LEAVE the place, then they just don't care. Two-faced, and so very false. It disgusts me, and sadly there is nothing I can do about this ... I can't find another job anywhere. I can't even get secretary jobs. It's a sad state that my career has tumbled to. I mean it was SO PROMISING just merely a few years ago. And someone said to me..."you should've never left that ship." I agreed, except for the fact, then I wouldn't have met my husband. But anymore, I am at a LOSS for what to do with my career. I guess this is the part where you must settle on this bullshit. Accept that you're career has terminal cancer and just try to ride it out, or live it up, or quit and die this slow death of a career. Ah. My head is feeling fuzzy. It's nearly time for dose TWO of my lovely pills. It was funny last night, I went to bed and just was awake after I took some meds. I had a good time - as I talked hubby into "sick sex" because I knew we couldn't the rest of this week due to my period. It was quick and nice. Though now, he's been sneezing a lot, so ha, I hope he didn't catch my cold. THEN stupid me last night, getting up in the dark afterwards, fucking HURT MY ANKLE because I stepped odd on my clothes on the floor. How stupid is that?? I mean really. 7:54 p.m. - 2007-12-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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