sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- not a gambling girl. Sorry I haven't updated much. Times are crazy, all the time anymore. This weekend I ran around - and am getting ready for Christmas. I got a very bad cold, in the middle of everything. It really knocked me out - and my period was heavy - to boot! I didn't exercise and really felt pretty bad, I'm still blowing my nose and have a headache that will not go away. I'm also feeling very at odds lately. I'm contemplating getting off of my birth control. I started a new pack today - my first week back on this pill - I always feel depressed and like crap. I have only ONE more pack after this one. Then I have to re-order. Husband doesn't want me to, and wants to begin trying for a child. So many thoughts run through this mind of mine. Such as what if I have problems or what if we can't afford this? We're putting our house up for sale and what IF we have to move when I'm 8 months along? SO many questions and no answers. I'm tired of waiting, I've been waiting my whole LIFE - for my LIFE to simply begin. I'm also 30, and not getting any younger. Also the housing market is horrid and it's doubtful that we'll even sell.... Also what IF I have problems conceiving? I'd like to know NOW instead of a year down the road, when I could be doing SOMETHING about it. So it's a mess. Also my birth control pills is really knocking me on my ass. It just occurred to me that I've been having very bad side-effects with it. Mainly: anxiety, depression and very bad headaches all the time that just never seem to go away. Other things are lack of concentration and sleeplessness. I took sleeping pills for nearly a month. I also have mini panic attacks - a lot it seems. And OVER WORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING. I was talking to hubby today and realized I'm NOT the person I used to be - not since I began these fucking pills. I used to be a nice, easy going gal. NEVER had a panic attack. I never let things get to me. Now I'm a violent, raging angry person. Getting mad for no reason at all. I never noticed this before, but with what happend at work and just how MAD I get, seemingly ALL THE TIME, I think this has to be the pill. Work is stressful, but not THIS stressful where I snap so much..... Everyone must think I'm nuts. So anyway, it's a hard thing to do, thinking about getting off your "protection." I'm thinking about ... stopping and not seriously TRYING for a child, but ... just going about life as I did before. No fanfare or taking my basal temp. every morning...etc. Yet even then, I feel... ARGH as if I should! Sorry dear reader - I know I'm a bundle of stress and just crazy stuff! I'm back on my pill for the first day after being off for a week. I am so tired...so very tired of feeling this way, this ANXIETY that never leaves. Is always creeping in the background and this ANGER that I feel is a demon inside. I dont' know how husband deals with it all, I can't help it most of the time. Yet that thing that makes me this way, I'm scared to stop. All these WHAT if's. I wish I had an answer for it all, but with that, I know I'd have more questions and in the end, maybe knowing isn't what I want. I think I just need a nudge of ... yes you're thinking clearly or not. No one will tell me, everyone says I have to make up my own mind - OUR own minds, but sometimes, I just wish I KNEW or had some epiphany of what is the right thing to do. Everything seems like the right thing to do when it comes down to it. It's only after that you realize that it could be all wrong. It's all a gamble - and I'm not a gambling girl. 8:19 p.m. - 2007-12-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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