sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pill or just me? Ah. I hate the snow. It sucks when you're out shopping and have to run to your car. It's been a very bad week. A co-worker mother was MURDERED on Monday at work. She was beaten to death by a co-worker (who they didn't arrest until Wednesday). So it was very sad in the office and hubby was upset as she's a good friend to us. We went to the funeral and both of us broke down and cried. It was so very emotional. I also had a super busy week at work, Friday I was nearly in tears I was so stressed out. Then I got the feeling my boss was thinking of firing me (paranoid me) ... because I've been so very uptight as of late. I kept saying "I have to much to do... I just can't get ahead." He still tried to shove stuff on my lap to do. So after work Friday I was so very upset and tired of it all that I just broke down and cried outside to hubby in the parking lot. I hate my job, I just hate the stress. I really can't take this stress any more. So I'm job hunting yet again. It's hard when Christmas is so close. I applied hubby to a job in Florida - right on the coast ... by Miami. And it's SO HIM. Automotive place and needs a designer. Erm. I also have been worrying about my health again and am going to see my doctor in January. I am depressed - and am trying to get over it. This past week has been so hard, and I can cry every day. Even husband noticed it and said I just have to relax. Easier said than done. Mom thinks I should get off my "pill" in January. I really ... don't want to. I wanted to start trying for a child maybe in February. But ... god knows ... I'm so worried about health, stress, etc. I also think I might have hypo-thyroidism. I've never been tested for it, and a friend of mine who has it, said I ought to get tested as lately I really am depressed, fatigued, forgetful and my hair does fall out/doesn't grow fast. I can't seem to lose weight though I really don't eat bad (well nix the past two days). So in January I'm going to ask my doctor about testing me for it and then am going to ask about my health in general - as I want to get off the pill. Though I wish, right now, I was on a depression pill. I really just feel depressed and the thought of going to work on Monday ... well I feel as if I could just cry about it. I have to paginate a new section on Monday. Bad enough is the woman who nearly got me fired (I am in her good graces again however) ... wants to sit next to me the whole time I lay it out. I told my boss that I really can't allow that, I don't know the system and am already so nervous and stressed about it. So many things! I also cried to husband that if we DO try for a baby, I can't be this stressed all the time, because ... I'll never conceive OR I'll fuck up the baby (stress affects the baby). So I just feel... AHhhh! We also --- bought a NEW sofa and loveseat today! I'm so VERY HAPPY ABOUT THIS. I hate his couches - they are old and look dingy ... yuck. So we bought them at penny's and also a clearance tv cabinet - that I got for $370. It's pretty snazzy - though I like the cabinets with doors on top to hide the tv ... but he whined about wanting a 40 some inch flat screen some day and it just wouldn't fit...blah blah blah. So ... yeah. So money worries too. I am to the point that I am considering waiting for a baby again. One day I want to start, the next I don't. A friend said there never is a "good" time and you can never prepare and never have enough money saved up. Well ... I want to at least get some odd things paid off. I know that I'll always be in debt ... but with a baby and me not wanting to go back to work right away and ME wanting to work part time... money will be so fucking tight. And us wanting to move in the WHOLE scheme of things. Argh. Can you see why I am stressed? Why I am anxiety ridden? Part of me says fuck yeah this is the pill affecting me ... I really think it is, with the different levels of hormones ... each week. Next week will be better, it's a lower dose. The first week back is the worst. I would get off if I didn't read so many times that the best time to conceive is the first month you're off. So I'm a ball of confusion. I just am DOING right now. Just trying to get some odd things done and really ... seriously try to get a lof of things that have been weighing on my mind ... DONE. As in finishing up this computer room in our house - with the million of holes in it (had paneling on the walls that we took off -- and found a huge hole in the wall that we just patched) ... we have to paint this room and put down new base board .... And the kitchen with a need for a fresh coat of paint, and the basement with another paint job on the floor and new baseboard -- yes it still leaks like a FUCK. I hate that basement - it leaks nearly ALL THE TIME! :( I can't wait for all the snow to melt to have the great flood.... Okay enough blabbing. I just need to chill out, I just find that I can never relax, so much is always on this mind of mine. All the time. I can't turn it off anymore. Can this be my pill? Or just me? 10:19 p.m. - 2007-12-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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