sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- unhappy I thought I would add a quickie. I'm tired from the day. It seems anymore I am stressed - I'm constantly either stressed or upset or depressed. I wish husband could find a job. One that fits him, a forever job. For now, we wait and wait. We are waiting to hear from the place he interviewed to on Monday. Seemingly the interview went very well, they said they'd get back to him "Wednesday, Thursday or the latest Friday." Well hello. It's nearly Friday. So I'm upset on the inside because - from my own personal experience, when an employer wants to hire you, you call right away. My mom said to keep positive, that they could be interviewing others or something could be going on. But in my own experience, I've never had more than 2 days when I got a job. I was called the NEXT day. I guess I am very happy/blessed/thankful that I DO have a good job. I'm making around $1,000 a check, but they won't start taking the medical stuff until September. That's $100 or so. I upped my 401k because ... I didn't know he would be laid off. We also got ... a bill for $800. We have more on the way. And no job for him. The medical bills, so far, I think will total $2,000. I really am racking my brain. How the FUCK am I going to pay for these? It burns me up... because... I'm sorry this is ALL HIS FAULT. HE's the one that got the boil or whatever it was on his stomach and did NOT take care of it. THEN waited and waited. THEN it got so bad, had to have surgery. THEN got laid off. I know he couldn't help it, but I know if I were still where he worked, I would BE THERE because I was indispensable. I worked my ass off. I want to cry because I work SO hard and try to save SO much and then he's so fucking careless about his health. So careless about his job. He's not as smart as me, not as good as me design wise. I want to cry because I am the bread-winner. I want a man who can take charge or be my equal. I don't feel this and really, I feel like I'm poisoned with all of this inside rage. I feel like I AM THE ONE PAYING for his stupidity. I keep thinking if I were laid off, how much easier it would be for me to get a job, with my various job experience and the fact I'm a good interviewer and equally good worker. I got 4 hours of overtime this pay check and am happy about that. I guess I can begin paying off our debt to the hospital. I am thinking about what I can sell on Ebay. In fact my VISA is lowered now thanks to canceling the trip to Florida. But because I need new creative programs - to Freelance - I have to spend around $400 for it. But the joys of freelance, I dislike doing it, but I will as some jobs pay up to $1,000. I simply would need one of those jobs to ease my mind. I also think about other ways to make money. Again, I feel upset because I feel like I AM the only one doing this. Really, at times, I think...I did not sign up for this type of life. I know my vow was ... for richer or for poorer....but right now ... the stress of this ALL, I can't say that I don't just want to pick up and move back into my old apartment and start over. I know that sounds horrible. It's the stress and stress of it all. I constantly wonder when this nightmare will be over. I thought his surgery was bad, but this... this is worse. It's like ... thanks for laying off my husband after surgery. I mean the bills coming from this hospital stay is crazy. I just want to cry. I just want to rewind life to when I complained about how "poor" we were, when in fact we lived like kings and had money to do things and I was paying off bills easily ... and now I see I was careless with money ... and spending and never saving. So... argh. Sorry for this somber entry. I'm just a ball of unhappiness right now. I haven't been married a year ... and I can say for the past month I've never been so unhappy. 7:31 p.m. - 2008-08-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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