sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- do change. I have an upset stomach. I've had it about 2-3 days now. I don't know if it's stress or just from eating to much grease or the shit food where I work. I work at a casino, one of the largest in the nation. We have an employee cafeteria and I'm unsure if the food is "safe." It's kind of like old sometimes, leftovers or not taken care of as it should. I get soup and salad a lot (think about 3 days out of the week!!) and the salad is droopy sometimes or just plain ORANGE. I try to pick out the good pieces. Also ... the soups are total salt licks. I put in extras to make it taste good. You cannot beat the prices - for soup and salad it's only 75 cents. Pop and cereal and bagels are all free. Regardless, my stomach is quiet upset. Sometimes, probably each month, I always get the ... am I pregnant thoughts. Then I turn out not to be. Today I had a massive cramp - like MASSIVE - and wonder if I ovulated. My "chart" says I did on Wednesday, but my salvia tests said it was before then. I really don't know ... it's fucked up. I didn't keep track this month due to the issues we've had. I thought last night, wouldn't it be FUCKED UP if I did get pregnant this month??? Well the GOOD NEWS is... I was very worried that the job he interviewed for hadn't called him. We've been waiting and waiting. So hubby finally called them today and the guy called him back. They are still in the process of deciding what to do. So it's GOOD in the sense that hubby is still in the running. I just wish they'd make up there mind. But at least he didn't tell him to buzz off - as he easily could have. I really don't think they interviewed anyone else, they said they have to meet with other people to decide. So it looks good, but the waiting is KILLING ME. If he gets this job, it's literally a DREAM COME TRUE. It's close to home and pays more and just great. So I continue to pray and talk to God. And right now ... I really am feeling slightly scared about me. My cramping is bad - in my uterus. I'm scared that I have a cyst or something. I get this every month and wonder if I am ovulating or what. It scares me because the pain sometimes...like today at work ... is very intense. Like wow. And I'm very bloated - and VERY bloated in the sense my rings barely fit my fingers the other day. Probably the salt soup from work. :( Anyway -- if hubby gets this job, I think I'll cry my eyes out in joy. Then life can go back to a new type of normal and then the bills coming in and the other things won't be as bad. I bought my computer programs and once we get them in the mail, I can begin freelancing and then hopefully get on top of all these hospital bills and such ... and get ahead. Most importantly, start saving money. I realized today that I'm going to have to stay in this house a few more years. I guess in this whole bad time, I've learned a lot. Changed, grew up. The young girls I work with, though I have 5 years on them, I can see how I've changed. How I used to be like them. And now, I laugh at them. I too, once thought, I had a hold of life. I too, once thought I was so great and ready to take on the world and conquer and fight. Now, I just want a simple, quiet life, no BS, to relax, not rush and conquer. They have yet to see this. They have yet to feel need . To have bills coming that you have to budget for a long time or to wonder how the hell you're going to buy food that week or gas. I've learned just how hard life is, when that blind is taken from your eyes, I think that's when you become an adult. I've come into adulthood. Scary thought when for so long I've been so very blind. Now, I can totally see and empthaize with those in the same prediciments. Things change and people DO change. 9:24 p.m. - 2008-08-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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