sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- yourself? Things still haven't been looking up. Hubby had a job interview on Thursday morning, it was a long drive to get there. He thinks he did well, but I worry about this because A. it's a long drive and B. they want to start him out part time, then go to full time. I know a job is a job. BUT, I feel uneasy about the whole thing. We'll have to just sit and wait. Also his old job is rehiring for the job he was laid off from! His partner is changing jobs and now that job is open. You'd think they would hire back my hubby, but they are insane there. They never make the right decisions and the biotch who is running the show - does things for herself, not the good of the company. He applied - and I emailed his resume to all the big hitters there. I mean even the publisher! So I figure maybe there will be a few people asking the biotch about it and just possibly force her into really THINKING about hiring him back. At the very least giving him an interview would look like she actually did want to hire him. I have NO faith in the old company or the biotch. Other than this, I still am unsure if I ovulate. I have been using my clearblue easy fertility monitor ... and am on day 18 showing only "high fertility." I am set to ovulate today - or so said this prediction calendar I have. Also, we bought ONE viagra pill last night. Since my insurance doesn't cover it, we thought we'd try it. All I have to say is WOW. It does indeed work and we had very good sex last night. It was a first in a very long time of ... sorry TMI ... of having to work it up ... and it always losing it's hardness. So the V really did work and it was great. Too bad it's $19 bucks a pill! Regardless, today I have massive cramping on my left side. I don't know if it was from sex or that I am about to ovulate? I laid in bed last night sort of feeling blah about our sex life. I mean it's good, but ... there are things that need improving. I think his low testosterone has a lot to do with it. It just sucks when I lay there thinking of the other guys I was with prior ... verses him. In the foreplay department they all win hands down. Yes, I've tried to talk to him about it ... but I just don't think he gets it ... he says he does ... but most of the time when we are intimate ... he talks, laughs and jokes. So that kills my mood instantly. And yes I've told him to stop ... but he gets upset and then says "I'm trying to just a lil fun" and then we get into this argument! I sit there and wonder how come before, when we first started having sex, he didn't do these things and ... we had foreplay that was at least decent. Now ... I get maybe 3 minutes of above the waist fun and then that's done. I don't know, it really bothers me and I'm sure I'll talk to him about it ... and sure that he'll still do NOTHING about it. Again, I think the low testertone has something to do with this ... low libedo and erectile issues - those are key hallmarks for having that. Monday he goes in for a blood test and then two more sperm tests. Then hopefully SOME type of treatment will be sought. I just don't want to resent him ... if he does have an unfixable issue. From my stand point, a cold one if you will - from my shoes ... he has no job and doesn't please me like I want ... and can't get me pregnant. What good are you? I know that's horrible to say, but sometimes it just gets me. I work very very hard, I plain it all, I nearly run the show, I worry about bills/the future, I'm not getting any younger. I know I love him. I do. But very tired of this stress from ... only him. I know he didn't mean to get laid off - but at his first job he fucked around, mouthed off, played around ... I warned him so many times NOT to do this - he did and when the chopping block came, he was let go. His last job, I really don't think he was getting it, it was in sales and really going into a job you've never done, no training ... it was a lose-lose situation from the start. I guess I'm just tired of excuses and fighting and arguing. I'm tired of being the bread winner, the worker, the planner and thinker. It's very hard to talk to anyone about that, because it just leads to more fighting and you really can't change someone. You can either learn to accept them for who they are ... or leave. Yesterday at the salon - we both went for haircuts. My stylist was walking me to the hair washing station and said, "you really have a great husband." "I know" I said. I wish, sometimes, I could see just him for who he is and not try to change him and just accept and move around these obstacles. I guess I just have always thought of men as like my father - who is very smart, take charge, fixes everything, thinks and just does. My whole family is like that. His family are slackers, living off the government and blames everyone else for their own faults - digs there own graves and very very selfish. I guess ... that's just how it is. I just am having a mid-life ... marriage thing. I love him ... but did I ever think about these other issues ... will the rest of my life be on this teeter-todder that he's built? I've never had such uncertainty in my life before and moreover, I am embarrassed about most of the things that have taken place in it. How do I overcome? Taking a cold, hard look at my current life ... is an understatement. Who do you cling to, when the only mainstay in your life ... is yourself? 8:03 a.m. - 2008-11-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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