sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- thing. Happy Thanksgiving everyone. We had a lovely meal, it was pretty good, but after whirling around and cooking and stirring and boiling and baking, when it was finally time to sit down and eat, I really wasn't too hungry. We were alone this holiday, no family to be had. Everyone was on their proverbial "own." Hubby and I got in a few fights peppered throughout the day. I think I have PMS ... or hormonal something or other. I just feel bitter. Of all the emotions I feel and have felt, bitterness is the one that I'm beginning to know well. I never really knew it well before, but now I know ALL so well. I suppose it's due to the whole no job for hubby thing and then the whole no baby thing. It's still up in the air about him and his fertility. He had blood tests done and right now I'm trying to get the results to give to MY gyn. You see she won't treat me until she sees that HE is treatable. It does make sense, but it makes me angry. I do realize I don't think I ovulate each month. I'm not sure why, but I think it's been this way since the day I began getting my period. It's never really been right. But after a few months without a really good period, I'd suddenly have a massive period. I think those massive period months is when I did ovulate. Regardless, right now, I'm feeling very depressed about the whole thing. I've told hubby that this has been the most unhappiest year I've ever had. He gets laid off twice and now this. Laid off during the holidays is crazy. I keep wondering how the hell I'll pay for gifts. Everyone says don't get them anything, but they do expect it. They say they won't mind if I don't them anything, but when Christmas comes and that look of disappointment wanders across their face, then I'll feel guilt. Still, I'm not quite sure what I'm more upset about anymore. I hate how the whole thing hinges on a blood test ... and he HAS to get his two sperm tests again. I pray they suddenly show SOME sperm. I just can't go through with infertility treatment ... I mean IVF for us if there is a problem and that's expensive. Sometimes I daydream about just finding a man who looks like him and having an affair. I know that's wrong. Still.... What kind of man, cannot give me a baby and is laid off - I'm the only one working and he's on MY insurance. I know I'm cold to say these things, but really ... we have to pay for viagra now because he does have ED. I know his testosterone is very low and his prolactin is up. So hopefully they can TREAT this, but we must begin going to the doctor again to get the final answer and then my gyn might start listening to me. All of these upcoming things make me very tired. Also our court case is upcoming in January. So many things. RIght now, I just really .... stress and holidays and money and sex and babies and weight loss and exercise and jobs jobs jobs. I feel like I'm going to crack sometimes. I don't know sometimes who to turn to, what to do, how to act. I feel like I'm coming unglued sometimes. I do hide it well. It's funny because my mom said when I was a child I would hide my feelings. My sister wore her heart on her sleeve. I was blank. I'm overwhelmed. Again and again. Is this marriage? I was happier before this, when we dated and I lived on my own, before all this I do, and for better or worses ... I was so much happier. I asked husband if maybe we are curses and maybe should just get divorced and go back to dating. He didn't like that idea. I think sometimes I need to get back on some depression pills. At least then I would be in a fog all day, like last time. Foggy and everything was so very unclear. I felt numb. That's the perfect word. Numb. I was there, but I wasn't. I didn't care about anything because I was too busy trying to figure out things that were foggy in my mind - a catch 22. If it wasn't for getting addicted to those pills, I think I would get on them again. I got off of them before I was addicted - thankfully. Oh well I'm suddenly drained. I'm going to shower and hit the sack. Tomorrow I'm going to look for deals for Christmas, I have a lot of the shopping done. When you're poor you do things so so early because at least you know you have the money for it now. The future... I'm not sure anymore. Really ... if he doesn't get a job soon, I just don't know. I feel like I'll combust. I can't take this that much longer. I don't know what'll happen when I break into a million pieces. I really don't know what'll happen ... all I know is the outcome will not be a good thing. 8:36 p.m. - 2008-11-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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